Heartbroken

[dramaqueenforlife]

I’m new on this but need advice.

I’m 42 years old and very single. A few years ago I feel head over heels for a colleague of mine. We have became great friends and know everything about each other. At the time I fell for him he was married (I know please do not judge) however it was a very very un happy one. He was in a toxic marriage but trying to stick at it for the sake of his children. I also told him a couple of years ago that how I felt about him. He told me that even though not happy he was married and somehow our friendship continued, if anything we got closer. Nothing every happened between us sexually. Not even a snog. Anyway earlier this year his wife decided to end it and it’s been up and down for him. He went through a bad patch emotionally and had to take time off work etc. I’ve been there through everything with him. Last week we had our Xmas party and basically towards the end of the night we ended up kissing and disappeared. He ended up coming back to mine and stayed the night. Obviously we knew what was going to happen. Also at the grand old age of 42 I am a virgin. He did not know this. Anyway I really badly wanted this to happen but sadly he could not perform (mix of alcohol/stress/etc). However we were intimate in other ways. Anyway ffwd to next morning we tried again and same thing happened. However we stayed in bed for a couple of hours and slept on and off and chatted a bit about stuff. No awkwardness or anything. Then he left to go to pick his kids up. Work Monday morning and no awkwardness however we didn’t speak about anything till yesterday. He is quite an ostrich and likes to stick his head in the sand and the only reason we had a chat was because he made an off hand comment at work (won’t go into) and I heard it which angered and upset me. So have had been off with him. Anyway he has told me that he just sees me as a friend. Which was like a blow to the stomach. I’m so upset and angry. He knew how I felt about him yet decided to come back to mine to stay knowing full well where it was leading too but says he doesn’t regret it but I feel devastated. The really sad thing is he is actually a really nice person. He said that he doesn’t want to lose our friendship as that is the most important thing for him. I’ve put years of heart into this and we work together and I don’t know what to do or feel to be honest. I feel like such a school girl.

There's a lot to unpick here. Why do you think you've remained so devoted to him all these years when it was not reciprocated? Is it perhaps he was a safe option to invest yourself in?

That’s the thing aquamarine. He is reciprocated. He has invested in me as well. I admit I do a lot more for him but he has been a shoulder and a rock. He had helped me out with a lot of things and in little ways help me change my life. For the better. First man that has ever done that for me in my life. In the past where I started to invest in a man I never got anything back emotionally. I think that’s what made him so different.

I think the only thing to do is use this as ammunition to write it off OP. Much as though it hurts he didn't and doesnt owe you anything as a result of time or effort on your part or your depth of feelings. He's got drunk and carried away, wasn't able to have sex and has told you fairly promptly that he doesnt want to pursue a romantic or sexual relationship.

Whilst it isn't ideal and must feel shit for you I dont think there is any point feeling he has wronged you by giving something a go when drunk, and then changing his mind when sober. If you think it was him not considering your feelings at all then really all the more reason to write him off- he isn't a very good friend at all if that's the case? Or a particularly nice person to be frank.

I think you need to prioritise yourself here OP and reduce contact. He surely will move on with someone else at some point and it would be better to not have to hear about it or see it. As has been suggested, I think you need to work out why it is you want him so much and want he represents to you. Not breaking away could be costing you a relationship with someone who likes you equally and values you in the ways you want, if you focus on this man indefinitely.

His reciprocation seems to be all on his terms. When it came to bring fully invested, he quickly backed off without any regard for your feelings. That doesn't seem equal to me at all.

He isn't a nice person op, you can stop thinking that for a start.

I also wouldn't be surprised if his ex is actually lovely and he just sold you a story about her for sympathy. Toxic marriage my ass. How come it was her that walked away then and not him? I call bs.

He is taking you for a ride. Wake up and smell the coffee. You have over invested in a married man and need to walk away. Or five years from now you will Bevin exactly the same position. Just sadder.

He’s probably in a bad place after ending his marriage. I’d give him a big swerve especially whilst he’s trying to sort his shit out. Don’t make yourself vulnerable to him.
Sorry to ask and feel free to ignore, but I’m intrigued by your virginity status into your 40s. Are / were you a Christian?

Sounds like he just isnt that into you. It happens dont feel bad.

Dust yourself off and be thankful that you didnt loose your virginity to this creep.

Thanks all for the advice. Lots of food for thought.
Pink bonbon she isn’t a nice person and I know that for sure. Colleagues and other friends have met her and known about how bad things are before I came on the scene. But I can imagine how people may think he has made this up as people do that. Reason she walked was in all fairness to her she was the only one who had the balls to break up the family unit

outtherealone - don’t apologise. If I be honest and I feel as if I can talk about these things now as I have got older and got therapy. I was abused as a child. By a family friend. Also as I got older I started to put on weight due to some health complications as well so any confidence I may had was totally stripped off me. I never met anyone who was interested really . Was always the fat friend. OLD was awful. And then I just gave up.

So a bit of an update. After having an emotional few days we had a good chat. It’s been up and down for me as I’ve had such bad luck with men and always end up getting rejected. I think that’s why I felt worse as I just thought “here we go again”. I just felt fed up. One good thing is that I had therapy over a long period of time and that has kind of helped me to manage with and deal with my feelings. One thing I have missed with him massively over the last week or so with him is our closeness and friendship. Felt like a massive hole in my life. Anyway we seem to be back to normal (only time will tell) but I still feel gutted. I know I need to move on and there is someone out there for me. At least I hope there is. I just feel so sad. It’s so shit out there. I look around me and I know people have their problems and nothing is gleaming and sparking but look at everyone in relationships and they have met these people easily. Fallen for each other and started their journeys. I don’t know what it is with me. You know that saying “go with your gut” it never lets you down. My gut says this is it. I don’t think I am ever destined to be in a relationship. Please don’t have a go at me as I’m not having a pity party here and have my violin out but just the way I feel. And I hate this time of year. Xmas. My siblings have their own lives. I’m going to see my parents for a couple of days over Xmas. However I have 2 weeks off work and I feel so lonely. All my friends have plans with their partners, kids and family. I’ve tried to be proactive and get stuff planned but everyone is busy. This to year puts so much pressure on people as you feel as if you should be doing stuff and have people around you. I live on my own as well so it’s going to be a very lonely time. I just feel so sad. Sorry I know I sound all over the place but just trying to get across how I feel.

@dramaqueenforlife Didn’t want to read and run, just wanted to send you these...