My secret

[Icanttellyou123]

I am so unbelievably anxious sharing this.

I’ve known since I was a teenager that I’m interested in women, as well as men,

It tends to take me a while to build an attraction with either sex.

I’ve dated men, but no one knows I’m attracted to women as well, I know my family would love me no matter what if they knew, but, I am actively involved in a church and I suspect I would have to leave to be involved with a woman if I found someone I want to be with. The church overall are very loving, but I couldn’t take the whispered conversations that would happen, I know for some of them they wouldn’t care but others would and I have been burnt before (completely different church and situation) so am too nervous to risk my community like this.

I’m a firm Christian, and I have never cared what someone’s sexuality is, I love them regardless, and I know many Christians who feel the same as me. Yet, I’m still holding myself back from considering the possibility of a relationship with a woman, I feel like I’m holding back a large part of myself, but being in my church brings me real joy.

I don’t know what I’m hoping to get out of this. I hope I’m posting in the right place. I think I needed to finally tell someone.

There’s nothing wrong about being attracted to both men and women or being pan sexual. Nothing at all.
When you find someone you’re interested in then tell your family/ friends. If you are not ready to share how you feel with your family yet then that’s ok. If/ when you do find that special someone you introduce them as your BF/GF. It’s as simple as that.

Are there any affirming/inclusive churches near you OP?

If so, I would maybe be inclined to start alternating your regular church with attending one of them. That way you keep your existing community whilst also building links elsewhere that you might need if you find yourself in a same sex relationship.

I think religion is changing with the times, so to speak.

You'd probably be surprised by the responses if you were to introduce a female partner to your church.

If they were to ask you to leave, find a more inclusive church.

There are lgbt churches close to me, but I’m not sure I’m brave enough to tell people in real life

They wouldn’t ask me to leave, I don’t think? I do know a lot of them wouldn’t approve and that would hurt.

Thank you all for your kind responses this was surprisingly hard to post

Could you investigate the possibility of a relationship with a woman without it being part of your church life.
Maybe you could try OLD, and your church friends don't need to know.

Some people won't approve of anything, so don't worry about what they think - you don't need their approval.
Could it be that you are using that as an excuse to not look into the possibility of a same sex relationship?

aahh bless you OP.. get yourself along to somewhere maybe farther away to see how you feel in the environment, and build a bit of confidence... that might help you .. You will be okay OP... Good luck

Don't live your life for the approval of others OP; you will always be bitterly disappointed.

Remember: 'The ones who mind don't matter, and the ones who matter don't mind'

Good luck

Could it be that you are using that as an excuse to not look into the possibility of a same sex relationship?

I think MUM has a very good point here.

It sounds - and believe me I've done this - like you are hanging your fears on the convenient coathook of "but some people will be nasty to me and I don't feel I deserve any better" and then using that as a reason to stick to your safe, known unhappiness.

What about approaching the "leader" of your current church and asking them directly on their approach to LGBT members? You could always say you're asking for a close friend who is thinking about joining.

It could very well be I’m using it as an excuse, I do know that I don’t see the point in rocking the boat unless there’s someone in my life to rock it for,

I also don’t want to live my life for the approval of others, but I do love being part of my church and community,

I’ve realised I’m attracted to a woman in work and that’s where this whole thought process has come from, but I don’t know if she likes women (I don’t even know how you find that out) I feel like a teenager again trying to work this all out,

I know without a doubt one of my church leaders is firmly against same sex relationships (we’ve clashed a few times in the past) but I don’t know about the people who I have in my circle, although, just sharing this on here has made me feel like a whole new person today.

What does your inner goddess say? Go with her and forget the dogmatic culture.

How to find out if the woman at work likes women? Ask her. Then rock that boat for all you're worth, life is too short to live half a life.

Today I took the opportunity to ask her (subtly) if she was involved with anyone and about her life, she is not interested in women, which is a shame, but also a bit of a relief because my heart was in my mouth through the whole conversation, I suppose this boat will stay still

I have reached the ripe old age of 62 and I now could not care less what other people, be they friends or not, think of me. It took me quite a while to arrive at this stage, but when you get here you will find it so liberating.

Why do you need the approval of people whom you know will not like the choices you make about who you invite into your bedroom? These people can hardly be considered Christians if that is their attitude in this day and age.

I understand why your faith is important to you, but for most of us our greatest joys in life come through relationships (chiefly romantic). Do not deny your sexuality as there might be incredible happiness connected with it. Find yourself a more welcoming group of people to worship with and be honest with your inner self.

A swift Google revealed this group:
www.euroforumlgbtchristians.eu/
Go to their events, get involved, do whatever it takes to make yourself happy, and do not care what anyone thinks of who you sleep with.

@HarryElephante really???

Go on @HarryElephante, quote us chapter and verse. Or are you just being a bigot on your own time, pretending God told you to be nasty to people?

@HarryElephante

Matthew 7:3-5

John 8:7

I can fully appreciate I have sinned at points in my life, but I’d be hard pressed to see (if I were to believe my attraction is sinful) how I have sinned at this point considering I haven’t acted on my attraction to women.

Thank you for highlighting what I’ll be facing if I do become involved with a woman, you’ve shown it much better than I could have described it, God Bless you.

Thank you @xpc316e I’ve been looking through that link, it certainly looks like something to consider, I can’t deny I am nervous about going in to an event and being seen, but this thread is giving me the confidence to seek my own happiness in life.

I think if you meet a woman and start a relationship with them then you'll have more confidence to face the world together.

At the moment though it's still theoretical. You might meet the person of your dreams who happens to be male.

In the eyes of the Lord you are much beloved and made in God’s image.
There are many Christians, like me, who embrace who you are and offer welcome in our churches.

I’m straight but my church in my hometown was so incredibly inclusive. To anyone. If you need a place to worship or a community, the doors were open to you. Since I’ve moved away, I’m struggling to find a church that is inclusive and I don’t feel they are. Even though my relationship won’t be judged, I’m not sure I can join a community that would judge your relationship with a woman. I miss the community aspect.

I get why you’re anxious. I think alternative services might be a good first step. Keep your church community in the dark until you find a woman you want to be in a relationship with and keep attending services there for now. Start exploring other churches in the area to see if the community is accepting there. Alternate weeks or just go to another church once a month to begin with. You don’t have to tell people you’re going to LGBT churches. Just tell them you’re exploring your spirituality/churches but you still appreciate the community at this church.

Just to reinforce - obviously you aren’t a sinner because you have feelings for men and women.

What I'm trying to say is that you're over thinking. I think you should stop worrying about gossips for now. They actually don't sound like very loving people anyway.

I can’t explain how grateful I am to those of you who have come on here to say you belong to or belonged to inclusive churches, it’s given me hope that if I meet a woman and we become involved then there will be somewhere for us,

I do need to stop paying attention to the gossips as well, you are right @LynetteScavo I am so worried about being treated poorly but I think I am at the point in my life now where I need to see what happens, if something happens with a woman, fine, I’ll face the music then, if it happens with a guy instead well I suppose this will be a moot point.