I feel put upon but it's not his fault

[sadandresponsible]

I've name changed for this as some people know I'm on here and these circumstances could be outing.

My DH is a chef and has been for years, long before I knew him. This industry has never treated him well, he's often fired in January because they know they have a quiet spell coming up. We've been together for 9 years and he's never had he same job for more than a year. I've always been the one in continuous employment, earning enough to keep us afloat.

At the start of this year he had a job that seemed secure, he had terms and conditions and a contract. He liked the job and it paid quite well, he'd been there a year. We decided we would go back to TTC. We were very fortunate and DS was born 4 weeks ago. However while I was pregnant he lost both the job he had when I fell pregnant and another one, neither was his fault. The job he lost most recently left him unemployed for almost a month, he didn't sign on until he'd been out of work for 3 weeks, JSA isn't much but it's something, it helps towards getting to interviews instead of having to ask me for a lift/bus fare.

He's been in this new job for 5 weeks and he's lost another, they told him the week and a half off he had when DS was born was inconvenient (this is despite being told at interview that he had a child on the way and would be taking 2 weeks unpaid leave).

I'm at the end of my tether, I'm not currently working and my mat pay isn't great, enough that we would be fine if he was working too but as he isn't we're in real trouble. Add that to the fact that my health visitor thinks I have PND and I'm really not doing well. I'm trying so hard not to take it out on DH but I'm so fed up of this. He can see he's not valued so why does he keep doing these crappy jobs. He takes one so he can have an immediate start, he then says he'll look for something else while he's doing the crappy job but he never does. I know this ends with me back at work in a few weeks but I really want this time with DS and I'm so sad that I probably won't get it.

Tell him to look at cooksin care home . Or at school private.

Does he have any kind of addiction .
AS he should be able to pick up agency work.
..

OP is he being honest?

My exh was a chef. I worked in hospitality and many of my friends are chefs. None of them have been sacked every january and all had jobs for years.

Either he isnt picking employers well, or he isnt telling you the real reason he has been sacked.

I too have nagging doubt here. Good chefs are in high demand. Sure, trade fluctuate, but really, honestly something doesn't ring true.

What kind of chefs jobs is he taking? To constantly be losing his job, I would also be wondering if he’s telling you the truth.

My BIL lost his job. He told his mum that it was because he’d asked for holiday and was told he needed to address his priorities, which he had. MIL was fuming because it was violating his employment rights to not be allowed time off, even if he’d just started. In MIL eye’s BIL has been completely wronged and this is further evidence of the challenge in his life, challenge we don’t face.

We’d actually seen BIL the week before. He’d been at ours when he got a call from his employer (estate agent). They were pissed. He’d cancelled on a client that had a viewing that day by calling their landline at 8pm the night before the viewing and leaving a message on the answerphone. The clients turned up to the viewing, having not gotten the message. They were then obviously pissed that their estate agent hasn’t turned up and they couldn’t look at this property, which was going to sell in a matter of days. He then went into work on Monday and asked for the next weekend off. So they did say he needed to get his priorities right after asking for a day off but there’s an awful lot more to the story.

He could be telling you a version of the truth...

@Myyearmytime addiction? He's applying for agency work at the moment so I'm hoping something will come through.

@Scarsthelot he isn't fired every January no, that was just an example. I do believe him. Some of the jobs he's lost over the years were entirely his fault and he had no sympathy for those. Recently however it seems like a string of shitty choices and employers. He's been taking whatever rubbish he can find "for now" but then doesn't find anything better and ends up out on his ear, he really enjoyed one job but they hired him when they knew they were about to sell. The new owner strung them all along for months, I've seen the messages. Next thing they know they announce they've opened on Facebook with an entirely new staff.

Are you sure you're getting the full story OP.

I have a couple of friends that are chefs at great restaurants and they've both been there years.

What are their reasons for letting him go? Are you sure it's because of January being quieter? Is his behaviour and performance ok?

I’ve worked in catering for ten years and we’ve never laid off chefs in January. Especially if their salaried. Granted there’s less events but there’s still other stuff to be done (menu design, corporate work, annual leave). Are you sure he’s telling you the truth?

If he is, can he look for something in a bigger environment, with HR processes. Thinking of large scale caterers, football stadiums, hotels etc. Or high-end cafes attached to institutions - museums and galleries for example often switch chefs to cafe work (6am-4pm shifts) in the winter.

Failing that, agency work...

Can he be a stay at home dad? If you focussed on your career, would it be enough to support you as a family?

@KrampusTime this particular job let him go for the following "reasons".

• he attempted to take the 2 weeks unpaid leave he asked for before he started when DS was born, when they asked him to come back 3 days after birth, he said no. He went back after 9 days, I know this is all true as his boss came to he house when DS was 5 days old to demand him back. Shortly after telling me my newborn son was yellow.

• they hired a second full time chef a few days ago, DH maintained that they didn't need a second full time chef and that a part time one would be a better idea, apparently this was him questioning their judgement and they felt he didn't want to be there.

• the new chef is paid less than DH was as he has less experience.

I think the root of the issue is that he usually works for small restaurants and they don't have the same T's & C's etc. I'm just fed up for having to hold it together when all I want to do is cuddle my baby.

@PlanDeRaccordement I don't think we could afford it and I'd be so horribly jealous I don't think we'd survive it if I'm being completely honest.

I do believe him. Some of the jobs he's lost over the years were entirely his fault and he had no sympathy for those. Recently however it seems like a string of shitty choices and employers. He's been taking whatever rubbish he can find "for now" but then doesn't find anything better and ends up out on his ear

So it is his fault.

He has lost jobs that are his own fault.

He knows he is working somewhere dodgy and doesnt look for anything else

Because he knows you will say ita nor his fault. It is his fault.

It's his fault he didnt apply for jobseekers for 3 weeks.

Until you both wake up to reality, your life will be like this for a long time.

Ok @Scarsthelot it is his fault, that makes it my fault too for marrying him and bringing a beautiful little boy into this mess.

I think he should step up and put his desires for a perfect job to one side in this very tight time of your mat leave.

He could get a cleaning job or shop work which is more reliable! At least you'd have a stable income- then when you're back at work or have some savings he could go back to his dream work...

Its not about that.

It's about realising the truth. While you still believe he isnt at fault for his own situation you will stay in this position.

He needs to also accept it, accept the strain he is putting you under and do something.

If he'd only been in the new job 5 weeks I think expecting a couple of weeks off isn't feasible. When I had my youngest my partner had not been in his new job long enough to get paternity leave so he was back at work 2 days later. Not ideal but needs must. With his unstable work history and a new baby to provide for I'm surprised he refused to go back when they asked, surely him having a paying job now would be better for your family than an extra 6 days at home?

So he started a new job, told them he was taking unpaid leave, refused to come back when they needed him. They then hire a second full time chef (presumably because they struggled without him) and he does question their judgement by asking why and saying they should hire a part time one, despite only being there 5 months? However, it’s not his fault that they’ve chosen to keep the chef with a lower wage, that isn’t questioning their judgement and isn’t demanding time off?

OP, I get why he took the time off but when you’re new in a job you can’t really demand to take time off. You can be pissed off at this. That for 9 years he can’t hold down a job. That even with a baby, he can’t hold down a job. That’s exactly the type of thing you can get pissed off at him for.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I promise I'm not burying my head in the sand and will look at it all when I'm in a better place. I've been referred to perinatal mental health so should be set to deal with this all soon I hope. Whatever that looks like, but for now I'll be off as it's just making me feel worse.

Unfortunately you've fallen victim to the man haters of the relationship board. If somethings wrong, it's the blokes fault, and if you stick up for them, you're a mug and need to grow some...
With regards to your scenario, perhaps a Pp came up with a viable suggestion of him doing the baby care and you working, for now. Or nag him for looking for a decent job. What about council websites for schools etc.
If he's permanently having to go for the soonest start, he won't be able to find a quality position unless very lucky. He does need to motivate himself to carry on looking, even when employed.
Good luck Op x