Help me escape plz!

[anlon17]

I need some advice and hand holding as I figure it out with my abusive husband.

He always had volatile temper. His behaviour got worse once I had my daughter. It's been 3 yrs since then of living hell.
His abuse, name calling has escalated. But very strangely since the start of 2019 he has been claiming that I am having an extra marital affair with my colleagues. Obviously I am not. I suggested to see a marriage counselor if he doesn't believe me but he never wants. Its almost like he doesn't want to solve this but continues doing my character assassination.

Yesterday he was terrible. I went for Christmas drinks with my colleagues and was back home at 6pm. He was manic. This time he was claiming that I am in love with another colleague! I wanted to record his abuse on my phone (only the voice recorder) but he must have figured. Pushed me down on the floor, snatched the phone from me and was shouting filthy stuff.

My daughter was seeing all of this and crying all the time. All I could do then was disengage and comfort my poor child.I am so scared as he threatens he will message my colleagues. I would bebeyondashamed if anyone finds out the sorry state of my personal life.

Today he has not left me alone for a sec coz he thinks I will report him to the police.

Idon't have any family at all in the UK. My friends are all from work anddon't want anyone to know my personal challenges. So I need to figure this out on my own.

I am aware what he is doing are clear signs of abuse but I am scared to go to the police coz if he finds out about it he will destroy me completely. I spoke to women's aid a few years back and they suggested going to refuge but that's not so simple as I have a job to hold and my daughter goes to school. He can very conveniently take her away from school.

I want full custody of my daughter and this abuser to be out of our lives. Give me some pointers on how I escape out of this hell. The only leeway I have here is that he is dependent on my citizenship. If I remove sponsorship, he loses his visa. But I am very hesitant to do that as my daughter would not see her dad again.

Feed me some sense please! Where do I start? I can afford to rent separately but he wants to keep my DD. Also, he won't leave. Really need some tender words of support and encouragement.

Go to the police as soon as you can without putting yourself or your daughter in danger.

Press charges.

Get the abusive cunt deported.

And then enjoy your safe, happy life without him.

Why do you want your daughter to have contact with an abusive man?

You have the perfect way to get rid of him with the citizenship issue, use it

@anlon17
This man is a danger to you and your daughter. Is he your DD's main carer (I hope not)? If not, there's not a chance he will get to keep her and you have to leave her behind.

It should be him who leaves. Unless he's willing to go voluntarily, the only way of getting him out of the flat right away is to call the police and get him arrested for domestic abuse. Ask the police whether they can get a domestic violence protection order against him. That lasts 28 days or so and he would have to keep away from you and the house during that time. You can also apply for a non-molestation order (call the National Centre for Domestic Violence and they will advise you on the process and may refer you to a law firm which will help you with the papers). But that process is likely to take at least 4-5 days (to prepare the papers for the court and have the court hearing), and possibly a few days longer. So it won't get him out of the house right away.

It's very scary that he is trying to stop you being able to ring the police. This sounds very dangerous to me. You need some support in real life as well as on here - don't try and deal with it by yourself, it's too much. Try and find a way to call the police safely - can you lock yourself and your DD in a room and call or somehow contact a work friend and ask them to get the police over? Alternatively, have one or two friends come over and spend time with you so you're not alone with him.

You need to get away from this man but do it with care because abusers are at their most dangerous when they realise they are losing control.

It may be that in order to ensure your and your DD's safety, you will need to take your DD and go to a friend's house or a hotel and call the police from there but do it when he's not in the house or when you're sure he's asleep. He may hurt you or worse if he realises you are trying to get away. Do you drive? If nothing else, you can at least jump in the car and get yourselves away from him even if you haven't yet decided where to go.

If possible, perhaps while he is asleep, try and collect vital documents (bank cards/passports etc) and some things for your daughter. And then leave. Because it really sounds very unsafe for you. He may damage your possessions but the most important thing is for you and your DD to be safe.

Good luck. We'll be rooting for you.

@anlon17

PS - he can't just take her away from the school. You would explain the situation to the school and they would make sure that she doesn't get released into his care. All schools are familiar with these kinds of situations and they can take action to make sure your DD is safe and your DP cannot have her. You and your DD will not be the first such situation that her school has dealt with.

You say he will destroy you if you leave. He will destroy you if you stay. I agree with the others that you should probably just let him get deported. Your DD doesn't need a violent abusive father in her life. But even if that seems too drastic to you at this point, you need to involve the police, and I strongly recommend that you involve at least one or two work friends in real life. If you're due to be at work tomorrow, I suggest you call the police while you're at work to report the situation (and ask about a Domestic Violence Protection Order as I mentioned in my previous post). Call Women's Aid also.
You may need to take a day off work to start making the necessary preparations to leave. But you definitely need to get out for yourself and for your DD, otherwise she will think this is normal and may well repeat the cycle in her own relationship when she's an adult. Get this man out of your life as soon as you can do it safely.

Go to a solicitor and get a prohibited steps order (I think it’s called) which will stop him removing her from the country. Has she got a passport? Hire a lockbox/security box away from your house and put it in there. Remove it. Then leave with your DD and remove your sponsorship. He’s vile and your DD doesn’t need to be around that!

But I am very hesitant to do that as my daughter would not see her dad again.

Considering how abusive he is, that would he no loss.

Please leave the second you can get out of the house. If you can’t get out please call the police. They have specific domestic violence units and will have access to all the support you need and can get you out l. you can worry about organising your next plans once you leave.
He is dangerous and this incident will already have affected your daughter. She needs safety and security from now on and she needs a mum who is safe and secure too .
You could also contact social services for further safeguarding support and fund your local women’s support agencies. Even go to your gp. Whatever is easiest for you. As soon as you involve someone else they will help you through the process. Look up SPLITZ or your local domestic violence support equivalent.

Abusive men should not be in their children's lives anyway. Do you want your daughter to grow up and choose an abusive partner too? Because she likely will if she grows up with one.

Do whatever you can to remove him from both your lives.

Thank you so much all. Your words are helping me see things for what they are. He has been saying "we will both die by the end of it",, "I will make sure DD grows up an orphan" He has said it at least 4 times in past 2 months. I somehow don't take it seriously. But to an outsider it would be a clear red flag.

Its mostly coz when he calms down he will say how much he loves me and its all rubbish said in the heat of the moment.

I am going to speak with women's aid today. Also, planning to leave work early and go to the police station to report the incident. The voice recording I made of that event has disappeared. I dont know how! He doesn't know my code. Perhaps when he snatched the phone and disappeared in the loo and turned it off, it didn't save.

I am worried he knows I have been recording :(

About childcare, he does share the load and does pick ups and drop offs. But its still always based on what works for him. DD adores him but she does already know "daddy shouts at mummy". Said once "Daddy is always unkind to you but he is kind to me"

Your daughter watching domestic violence and being aware of it is a form of abuse.

Please contact social services to report the issue.

You owe it to yourself and to your child to get out of this relationship ASAP.

No excuses. Your child is at risk.

I would pay attention to those threats. I’m sure the police too. You need to get out before he really hurts you.

A battle for residence can take months if things go well but can extend over years. Go to a refuge, you cannot wait it out to see what happens, it is dangerous and your kid will be getting substantial emotional damage watching the abuse.

Don't worry about your DD not seeing her abusive parent. That's the ideal outcome for her. She mightn't know that yet, because she's only three, but that doesn't mean it isn't true.

Definitely prepare a grab bag with your important documents, so if anything you are ready to run.

Go to the police , report him.
The domestic violence team will talk to you and help you make plans to go to refuge , or to get an occupation order for your home .
Refuge will hopefully give you an idva, to advocate for you and help you find a legal aid solicitor for the inevitable family court case. To apply for council housing, or to make your current home safe . If there are no spaces in refuge ask to be put into a council BnB.
Services will vary according to the area you live in.

When you leave take favourite toys , all important documents, any evidence you have, as much cash as you can get your hands on , a few clothes, school uniforms, xmas presents if you go before xmas.
As much as you can bring tbh.

The police are the key here , allow them to help you, dont be scared of social services, if you are in refuge you are protecting your child, but you must not ever go back or you could lose her.

Apply for UC asap.
Do the freedom programme for sure.

I have been right where you are now , with child in tow and no money to my name. I was scared and felt guilty!!! I screamed and cried as soon as i was safe .
Report any threats he makes and stay safe , leaving is the most dangerous time.

Dont send child to school until the case is in family court.
The school CANNOT stop her father taking her and if he contacts the local authority they have to tell him what school shes at.
You want a lives with order in your name .

My own child doesnt even remember the horrors of before. Go , just do it , go , youve got this . You Must make her safe.

Hard times ahead make no mistake , but you wouldnt believe the relief of not living in fear .

I think you see it is a difficult situation because this man is the father of your child. You don't want your daughter or anyone to say that you split the family. However as soon as I read your post my heart was screaming leave him go to a refuge. Your young daughter is witnessing things she should not have to and in the future accept these as a norm. Just think about your daughter you don't need this man in your life. You need to be strong and make changes for you and your daughter. Things will be difficult but not as difficult as they are now. Please please report him

Oh, bless you.

Go to the police. They will direct you to a local WA or equivalent who can help you to leace safely.

It is possible to get an occupancy order on the home and a non molestation order, through the courts on the day, but I suspect WA will advise against this if the threat of escalated violence is high. The problem with staying at home is that he knows where you are. But they will support you in your choices.

My understanding is that he CAN take your child out of school if he has PA and there are no court orders in place. The police will know better and will advise you of the orders you will need to apply for in court if you want to stay in your current home/school.

Gosh I really don't know what is going to happen now. I reported to police on 101. Didn't realise that they show up at home. So they came over the same night to check on me and spoke to DH and me separately. My husband cooked up loads of lies, I think and I like a fool didn't tell them all the time he has threatened to kill me and make DD an orphan. He told them that I was threatening him with a knife! All lies!

Don't know what the police believed. They just suggested to speak with a third party/citizens advice etc.

Next day onwards, my husband continues to intimidate me or needle me by saying things like oh u want to s colleagues d. And when I would say something angrily he would start making videos of me.

I overheard him speak to police something about changing his statements
I haven't been able to call or speak to anyone as he is hovering over me. even as I type this msg.

What will happen? He can come across as extremely sensible and charming. How will I get anyone to believe me?

Omg you must be so scared. Can you go to the police station when he is at work? I'm in Ireland so can't help with the legalities. But try tell the police how he threatened you and maybe they can recover recordings from your phone? I don't know.
Stop being his sponsor so he can't stay.
Stay calm towards him at all times. He's trying to play you at your own game. He knows and probably deleted your recordings. Change your password. Tell the live everything and how scared you are off him. Worst comes to worst go to women's refuge. And please confide in your colleagues.

Not *live I meant police

You will never be the first or last to freeze when visited

Please call again

Can you safely call 999?

You need to speak to the police again as soon as you are able to do so and tell them about the death threats. How are things tonight?