Anger building...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

Hi just need a reassuring voice.
Been trying to get a tiny business off the ground - against much opposition. I ve been told by council entrepreneurs thing that it should be a good idea. made £1000 in the run up to Xmas ( not profit) and dh just continuously complained about state of house, I’m not earning much money. Is it worth it etc. I was feeling really proud of myself but this morning he’s told me not to use the hairdryer - too much electricity ( admittedly was drying dds knickers!) been all ‘ well go see Star Wars ’ to the kids and, ‘ the house is a mess’ to me, and really yelled as I was trying to hurry kids out of the door and misunderstood that he was warning dd not to tread on her headphones ( thought he was going to start on about coats).
He’s been ratty for last few days. And am worried it’s going to build. Xmas is usually quite stressful.
He’s spent 1k on a computer for ds. , complained cos I spent £50 on pjs and slippers so he can give them to me at Xmas( going to see mil, need to be covered!
Said I need to get a job, not mess about. I have a part time job which he doesn’t like, says I’m wasting my time.my theory is that I can build on it. I said, when I get a proper job you’ll have to do some of the housework. I said why don’t you ask your counsellor about that? ( he’s stopped yelling since seeing her for work issues) And he said I didn’t want to know what she said aboutit.
Sorry, just need a boost. Was feeling so proud of myself and all keen to sort and tidy so it’s nice for Xmas and now feel I’m kidding myself and am completely useless again.
I’ve been told he’s being abusive, but it’s never that nasty. Oh wait, maybe it is - slammed brakes on in car and called me names and told me to get out. Was trying to discuss son but always my fault and turns into why I’m crap.
his counsellor says his dad is a narcissist. And I thought I was getting my mojo back, but now I feel kicked in the teeth and useless again. Exhausting! Can anyone give me some words of reassurance?! I know am being a wimp, just don’t want to waste a day feeling shite!

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do not use these children as a reason to stay with someone like him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your mother treated like this by her husband?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Make 2020 a better year for you all without this dominating fun sponge in your day to day lives. How can your kids and you become free of your abuser here?. This relationship is untenable and your children are being shown truly damaging lessons about relationships by both of you. He is being abusive towards you (abusers can be "nice" sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one) and you're showing your kids that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level.

Please contact Womens Aid; they can and will help you here on 0808 2000 247.

Thanks Attila
Good question and I haven’t actually considered it. Will do now though suspect answer is very little.
Nervous about woman’s aid as I did once ages ago and the other women were all seriously in trouble, so felt a fraud. Am also not sure he’s that awful, but beginning to realise he might be.
May thanks for answering. Means a lot x

Fun sponge! That’s brilliant!
I sound like a wimp. Will call w.a. Thanks.

I do not think you get anything at all personally out of your relationship with him. The only good to have come out of it at all are your children by him and staying for the children here is no reason at all.

It will be worth your while contacting Womens Aid because you are all in serious trouble with this man. You would NOT, repeat NOT, be supposedly wasting time in contacting them or feel a fraud; it is specifically for the likes of your good self. Abuse as well is not just solely physical in nature.

You've been ground down and otherwise conditioned by this person. He is indeed abusing you and in turn your children are copping this as well. What do you want them to remember about their childhoods?. Its no legacy to leave them, it really is not.

Make 2020 the year you make a clean break from this man.

Do you think he's feeling under pressure at having to bring the majority of money into the household? Did you work before? My friends are the other war round - the husband gave up his career to launch a business - and the wife is desperate for him to go back to work so they have more security.

Yes I airy, I think that has a lot to do with it.
What I don’t get is that when I have found a job, he gets cross. Admittedly it was part time in a shop, but they were local, so no commute and train fares. But he got cross every time I went, though he seems to have accepted it now. I found another one which sounded like it would expand but he didn’t even want me to go to the interview as it ‘will be minimum wage and you’ll spend all your earnings on petrol’. i thought just get anything and work up, he thinks I’m kidding myself because I don’t want to work.
I think I don’t want to be a bloody housewife and have no say, is what I think.
Thanks ! I’m not depressed now, I’m cross!

Not being ironic, cross is good - it’s got energy. X

In that case he has no excuse!

😀thanks airy, that’s cheered me right up!

I don't understand these men that think it's ok to treat their partners like a skivvy! Well done with your business op. Personally I'd give him a divorce for Xmas. Life's too short to live like this

While you don't have work or decent work, he has a stick to hit you with.

If you are successful at anything, do well at a job, have independent feedback of your worth etc, he will find it harder to keep control of you.

He is not just a fun sponge, he is an energy vampire. Honestly, you would be so much happier without living with him. You are damned if you get a job, damned if you don't. Houses with kids are messy...I am more suspicious of Mrs Hinch type set ups, If it bothers him, he should get a cleaner in on a regular basis. He sounds like he has mental health issues, and I don't believe you are being told the truth about his counsellor. No professional would diagnose his Dad with a personality disorder without confirmation from a psychiatrist, and having not the met the man. Your fella is just making excuses for his own behaviour by blaming others, his father makes his angry, you make his angry bla bla. Keep at the self employed business as you never know where that could lead. It can take years to take off though, so you will need some other income. You could look at entitled to and assess your benefit entitlement as a single parent. You could talk to your GP and, like others have mentioned, women's aid. There are lots of agencies offering support. He may not be battering your head in physically, but he is doing a great job emotionally at destroying you. He just wants you under his control like a foot soldier doing domestic tasks at home, raising the family and bringing in a wage. If nothing else, take note of the fact that your kids are seeing his abuse and your acceptance of it. It is role modelling relationships for their future. Ask yourself if you would like your kids to be in marriages like yours later on in life?

Making you feel bad or guilty or criticising you working is a form of financial abuse as it’s limiting your earning potential. So is the issue about spending money - in a balanced relationship you agree budgets and so on. It’s controlling and dictating your life. He’s trying to limit your independence. You need to think if that’s what you want.

Thanks all.
Think finally coming out of fog.
Any tips as to what to tell kids? Just teenagers. Have said daddy shouts because he’s unfortunately had a daddy that shouts so he’s grown up thinking it’s acceptable but we know it’s not. 😕
Dd said she’s seeing counsellor at school, she did say partly about dad ( I think) my memory is shocking regarding all this. Wondering if I’m hiding it from myself. Its just the drip drip of knocking me, then the poor me I’m so misunderstood.
Omg see even as I write the above, which is shocking, I’m trying to rationalise and tell myself I’ve got it wrong

Not got much to add to the good advice here but you are bloody amazing juggling all of that. Anyway, I would be happy to give you an alibi, could contribute some old tarpaulin and am good at digging. Are you anywhere close to Epping Forrest...?

Ha! We used to be ironically, I’ve missed my chance but thanks for the offer. I’ll have some jolly good tomato plants this time next year😃I’ll make you some chutney!
Thanks for the compliment .thats a real boost x