Need advice on this man.

[Sassi64]

Where do I start? 7 years ago I started a cleaning job. A man there insinuated he wanted sex with me.. (sleaze ball) for the past 7 years I have had trauma after trauma..and this man (the sleaze ball) persued me for 7 years..telling me he loved me in texts..knocking my door at 8am in the morning etc.. I must point out I'm with a partner of 23 years.. but there is no love there and we havnt had sex for 15 years...
A few months ago I went through another trauma..where my son (who actually mentally abused me) was arrested and waiting sentenced..I was so distraught over it all. I went to the court where my son pleaded guilty..however when I turned up at court this man was there..to support me! I was dumb founded..shocked (pleasantly) and this is where I found myself thinking of this man 24/7..that was june just gone.. he continued to text me and ring me..he made me feel so good about myself. At last my confidence was coming back...(I've also had cancer where I had a single masectomy).
September just gone.. I made my feelings known to him..he was over the moon.. (suppose after 7 years he would be) I couldnt stop thinking about him..then he dropped the bomb shell he had a girlfriend..i was shocked..my jaw fell to the floor..but he said it was a rocky relationship..i had a think about things after this..but too late..i developed feelings.
it took another few weeks before we had sex.
Since I've had sex..he kept winding me up about other woman ir talking about them..after a couple of months i eventually blew..as i was sick of him talking about other woman..he told me i was mad woman..and i had started to become selfish..
I backed away a little..but by this time i fell in love with him..so continued to have sex..which wasnt often. We hardley see each other..but he will text every day and/or ring me..saying he loves me, I'm his baby girl etc...yesterday he rang me at 6.30am..i didnt answer as i was asleep..when i woke i text him back... he text me back.. but did not say he wasnt at work. 2.30pm he rang me! And said am i getting on your nerves.. i said no..he tried why are you avoiding me? I said i wasnt and that he is at work all the time.. he said i dont want to pressure you..and I'm not at work today..i asked him why he did not tell me this in the morning..??
He seems to bring out the worst in me..but I'm in love and its hurting me badly..but i dont want to be used. Which it seems as if i am.. i feel he is a manipulator.. I'm really confused and hurt.. he was bought ip in Jamaica so perhaps their culture and dealing with things is different? Please help..I'm hurting, depressed, and confused. Why would he tell me he loves me? I've tried telling him actions speak louder than words..and his actions are not linking up with his words?

You need help. Really. You need to go see a therapist as quickly as possible and tell them all of this. There are GP surgeries who will let you refer yourself without seeing a GP first.

There is a theory that you can make someone fall in love with you just by being consistently in their lives. This man is trying to manipulate you into depending on him. Just think, does he KNOW you? The 'real' you? Or does he just fancy the image of you that he has constructed in his head?

He is, essentially, stalking you and persuading you into sex, because he knows you are low and vulnerable. He knows he can do what he likes to you because he's persuaded you that he loves you.

I agree with Wondersense. You need to talk to someone about this, before you get really really badly messed up by this man.

Yup agree with pp - get some therapy and block the sleazy stalker.

Poor you OP - I would get som therapy. He’s not good for you or your self esteem. I hope you have friends you can turn too. 🌺

What will a therapist do? Plus I have to see him at work.. which worries me. I can easily put him on block via my phone..but its seeing him at work..and he is the cuson to my boss..so isnt like I could report him.

He’s exactly what you knew him to be at the very start - a sleaze. No more no less. He was no doubt targeting and love bombing MANY women and just seeing which ones responded.

Go grey rock on him. And yes get some therapy.

And a visit to the GUM clinic is needed too.

A therapist will help you deal with the profound trauma you've been through, and will help equip you with the means of both reclaiming yourself and asserting your boundaries.

The fact that you're not sure what a therapist would do for you, whereas we can see very clearly why you'd benefit from one, means you're so far in that you've lost perspective.

Please see if you can get referred as soon as possible.

And you can always change jobs. A good cleaner is worth her weight in gold.

He’s a sleeze and a stalker. He basically wormed his way into your life by constantly harassing you for 7 years. PPs are right, you need therapy. You allowed a man who stalks and harasses you into your bed, 7 years after he first showed you who he was. You need to work on Your lack of self worth and creating boundaries, maybe a therapist could start there.

Please stop having sex with him and have as little contact as you can with him, he is not good for your mental health.

You said you are a cleaner, can you change agencies so you don't have to see him? Or go private? Anything to get him out your life, he is draining you and he knows exactly what he is doing.

This isn't love OP, he's gaslighting you. Do you have any close friends you can confide in about this? It may help to get a real life perspective from someone who cares about you

And another vote for trying to get therapy too!

Practically thinking, I would suggest looking for other work if I were you, given he is the boss's cousin. I mean, in a less impartial setting you might be able to raise a grievance if he continued to harass you after blocking but I imagine not so easy or by the book here. Save yourself the stress and put some distance in place.

So sorry for the awful few years you have had In terms of what a therapist will do, it depends on the treatment but CBT is a common one provided by the NHS and that looks to help you find ways to deal with the everyday effects of your issues, for instance any anxiety, rather than digging deep into the causes.

Oh and yes, definitely stop sleeping with him. He has ground you down over years through a stalking campaign so he can cheat on his girlfriend. His messages about love are complete toss.

I'm so distraught..you've all said what I'm thinking...why would a man do this to me knowing what I've been through... I feel sick..with everything that's happened to me..why would a man add to it like that.. I'm feeling very suicidal at the min, but I wont.. I have grandkids just the way I feel at min. I've been such an idiot..absolute idiot..cant believe someone would do that to me

He is an abuser and you are being abused. He's stalked and manipulated you, built you up to knock you down and control you. Please consider speaking to Women's Aid. They may be able to point you in the direction of further support. www.womensaid.org.uk/

You could also consider doing The Freedom Programme which teaches women how to recognise and make sense of their experiences of domestic abuse. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

That's why he did it, Sassi, because you are such a lovely, trusting woman you couldn't see through his motives.

I bet a lot of other women, who haven't been through what you have, told him to sling his hook when he tried it on them. You've been so ground down by life that you didn't, and he was in!

I've only told you a quarter of what's happened to me..
I've just had a letter from mental health services. I have an app on 6th february 2020. Let's hope I can last that long. Thank you all xx

One step at a time, Sassi64. It can be an awful shock when you start to see what's happening - but it can also be a significant step towards healing.

I'm really glad you have an appointment in Feb. In the meantime, do you have anyone you can trust who you can turn to right now?

He's a vile sleaze ball and this is all a game to him. He's playing you and messing with your mind. Quit that job and never see him again.

What a therapist can do= for a start you've been through many traumatic experiences. A therapist could help you come to terms with those experiences so you're in less pain over them.

Traumatic experiences also alter our beliefs about our selves and the world. They effect our self esteem etc or our feelings about being able to cope with life etc.

These beliefs then somewhat effect our experiences and relationships.

7 years ago you'd been through a bit less, or maybe were less down, and so you wouldn'tve dreamt of touching this man! It's only now you're even more vulnerable that he has a chance in hell.

I would just keep reminding yourself of how crap he is in every way- remind yourself of your feelings when he first sleazed on you, plus that he had a girlfriend all along. Also remind yourself of how he's treating you now- it's not good.

Glad you've got an appointment. Hugs and best wishes.

Great to hear you've got a referral, you can start slowly working through everything that's affecting you and rebuilding the happiness you deserve.

You're absolutely not an idiot. As PPs have said, this man took advantage of you at a vulnerable point in your life. Things like knocking for or ringing a colleague early in the morning (without a reason) and turning up at court for a colleague's family issue unexpectedly are not normal behaviour. This was him pushing past usual boundaries and insinuating himself.

Anybody can get sucked in by a manipulator or a charmer, particularly when at a low ebb, but don't forget that he is sleazy and dishonest and downright odd. Say it out loud if you need to.

What happened to the partner of 23 years?

Yes I have 1 friend. But she was saying the same, suppose I didnt want to believe it.

But you have a friend. Go to her.