Toxic mother?

[SweetRoses]

Morning all, I am just looking for advice regarding my situation.I am an expat so my family lives abroad , the issue my mother is coming to visit us in a couple of days and I am so anxious about it.You see i love my mother to bits even though our relationship is quite complicated, last time she came ended up in an argument and her threatening to chat bubbles to my sibling so he would stop talking to me like the way she doesn't talk to her own siblings ( crazy huh) and it was over me not bending to her whims and entertaining her old grudges she had with some family members.As a result my anxiety went out of the roof after she left because i kept on taking "it, silently until she left. I am the eldest of my siblings and I am expected to just take the abuse and that's that, the kids are so excited to see their gran but I already know that I won't be able to reach her expectations of me ( going shopping and enjoy my time with her when i am still hurt over our argument) .Last time she came my hubby was working but has taken time off this year so she won't be able to be harsh to me in front of him ( she's always sweet by the time he comes home).
I don't know what to do , I love her so much and still try my best as i believe that she is suffering from the distance between us ( even tho shes very sweet to my brother and his wife ), any ideas on how to cope and keep my cool when shes there? I mean i already purchased a few gifts for her , tried my best to make her stay comfortable but I know for a fact that we will argue and I am at loss.
Sorry for the poor grammar English isn't my first language

What does chat bubbles means?

Whatever you do it will never please her. I would stop trying.

Like telling my brother that I had been harsh to her, not taking her out as much as she wanted etc..little petty things

I’d tell her now that you won’t have a repeat of last time, and if she can’t be nice she shouldn’t bother coming. I wouldn’t be buying her presents or trying to be sweet to her. My mum is horrible and sounds just like yours. You need to stand up for yourself now or you’ll be suffering and dreading her visits and being bullied by her forever. You’re an adult, she is a guest in your home, therefore she needs to respect you or leave. I’m shocked that after a huge argument that you’re still upset about, she is coming back to visit! Has she apologized?! Why do you want someone like this in yours and your children’s lives?

Your Grammar is fine but your post is still a bit confusing, I’m not sure exactly what she did
Anyway, it sounds like you are trying very hard to please her and nothing you do is good enough - is that right?
For a couple of days just bite your lip and put up with her, maybe lower your expectations and accept she is the mother she is rather than the one you would like her to be

I was overdue during my last pregnancy but she wouldn't stay one more week for the birth of her grandchild.When ppl questioned her she told them that I had lied about my due date ( because i control that type of things lol) just so she didn't look like the bad guy ( she came for the birth).My daughter was born on the night she left

For this visit

Keep your dh around as much as possible. Try your utmost to not be alone with her. When I used to see my mum I wouldn’t visit her without someone there because she was less nasty when she had an audience. She worked it out but nothing she could do. My brother did the same.

Read up on Grey Rock technique. Basically you give her nothing about yourself. No personal information except about mundane things.

Work is fine, how was the journey? kids are going well at school, nothing to report, did you see there might be snow on Christmas Day?. Dh is enjoying work, have you seen the new shop on the high street?.

Deflect anything personal with a question about herself.

Be busy doing stuff. Don’t have coffee dates to chat.

Start reading the Stately Homes Thread. The first few posts will give you some strategies on when to say if it gets confrontational.

Plan something just for you that you are looking forward to for when she is gone.

Good luck and merry Christmas

Maybe try reading some of the Stately Homes threads? I suspect that nothing you do will ever be good enough. It is not your fault, you can't change it.
I suspect you are deep in FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt.
And probably the best strategy for this visit is to go "grey rock".
But in future maybe think about whether such a visit is a good idea.

@Poorolddaddypig it was a massive pb as my grandfather ( her father in law) was on his deathbed and we argued on my relationship with my father side of the family as she hates them...
@Hoppinggreen a lot of things happened but it's like i cannot force myself to be as cheerful as i once was with her...my father has passed away so I think i am scared to lose this relationship ...oh god sounds like i need some counselling

@Aussiebean@MollyButton thank you so much I am going to have a look , yes I am going to avoid being around her alone too much it sounds like the best thing I can do

To be honest op, there is so much here that is me.

The being nasty to you but not your brother. My mother definitely valued girls over boys.

Getting angry at you for not agreeing with her. My mother thought/thinks I am an extension of her. So any time I had a differing opinion I needed to be punished until I get back in line.

Doesn’t talk to her siblings. Mine tried to drive my brothers and I away from each other by lying. Although she was very happy happy to play the grieving sister at her brothers funerals, despite refusing to speak to them.

Do you really love HER or the mother you wish you had?

There is a lot for you to unpack here. Sorry it sucks. But well worth the journey.

Wow @Aussiebean yes i am in a very similar situation and YES i love the mother i wish i had..I feel like her own walking / talking trophee at time ( thats in public) in private i am never good enough...funny thing is i never really cared but anxiety caught up with me and now I understand where it all steams from

She loves to play the little victim when ppl ask about me ( when i am not around her) but when she's with me its like she wants to punish me from something...It explains why i am so fusional with my daughter i don't want her to be where I am with my own mom

She booked her ticket in advanve without telling us ( back in Nov) had to tell her to cancel as we didn't have the time.She had a little tantrum and now that she has booked her ticket on our terms she wouldn't let us know the date and time( control?) And now having to pick her up at 7 in the morning ( and shes moaning that I am not the onr picking her up)...

For your own sake, and that of your children, you have to view your mother as just another adult, and forget the mother/child relationship.
Hopefully you will be able to see the relationship for what it is, if you wouldn't accept the behaviour from your friend/neighbour or random stranger, why should you accept it from this woman just because she happened to give birth to you.
You have to set your boundaries, if 7 am is too early, say so and suggest she grab a coffee to wait for you to arrive about 8ish.
If she lies about you to others just quietly point out that what she is saying isn't totally accurate and walk away before she comes back with a response.
Find your inner strength OP, you can do this.

Thank you @Hadalifeonce this is very true it might sound horrible but I feel like a stranger is coming to stay with us...Wasted too many years trying to please her when in reality I wouldn't accept this behavior from anybody..Time for growth

I broke all contact with my own toxic mother when I was 33 and pregnant with my first child. I never saw her again, she died a few years later, and I didn’t miss her at all.
OP, I think you might benefit from counselling to help you to see your own relationship with your mother in its true light. You don’t owe her anything, you don’t have to see her if she makes you unhappy and stressed. As a PP said, you don’t love this awful woman, you love the mother that you wish she could be.
Remember you are an adult now, and you make the rules in your own house. If she is unpleasant to you, tell her you will not accept rudeness under your own roof. Have the confidence to stand up for yourself - you deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect by everyone, and by your mother most of all.
Good luck with enforcing some boundaries with your mother, and redefining the relationship on your own terms.

@Babdoc Your message has really hit home..you are correct and I must affirm myself and come to term with the fact that i don't have a loving mother and that it is alright ..I want to also thank all the other posters you have given me so much strength through these answers , it means a lot thank you.

I think you should have a look at narcissistic mothers and see if she fits the criteria .

I would also research Complex Ptsd, that might be what is causing your anxiety.

Just because they are family doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic.

I have gone NC with my own toxic narcissistic family and it is a huge relief not to have to deal with them.

Good luck.

Booking flight despite being told it’s not convenient... tick.

Luckily not me, but my brother. Three times so far I think.