Hi everyone, I need to vent, but I also would like some advice. I'm not expecting a kid, don't have any, and I'm not even a woman, but this message board popped up for me and it looked like a good one so here I go.
My ex gf and I broke up about 5 months ago, we've lived together for the past 2 years. We broke up over an issue that was affecting our relationship because we (ok, I..) could not move passed it, we just kept bickering over it. In hindsight, I now realize I was at fault, I was wrong, I was an idiot, the whole 9 yards. But, the damage of invalidating your partners feelings is done.
She and I get on wonderfully, we just vibe really well together, and our current and future life goals go together perfectly. We both recognize how important these things are and feel really fortunate to have found one another, we are joined at the hip. So when we "broke up," I suppose it wasn't a true break up. As in, we stayed in contact, were still intimate, and everything was pretty normal. But we couldn't stop bickering on and off, we were stuck in this bubble of admiration vs irritation.
We talked about it a lot, and we both had a lot of clarity regarding what was happening, what was unacceptable, and what needed to be done to fix it. We've been mature about it and decided that I should go to therapy, and that we could not get back together until we could prove to one another that this issue was fixed, we were healed, and had also moved passed it. We both just really wanted to go back to being happy and healthy with one another. We had talked about cutting contact months ago to let the dust settle, but we never had the strength to do it, I guess, even though I knew it would be the key. We tried to stay in contact while healing apart, and we would talk about how awesome it would be if we could step back and let the air clear, and then connect when we were over it. We knew we needed it, but we didn't do it. You know when you're just so annoyed at someone, their presence kind of sets you off? That was us lol Whenever we would bicker we would say, "See, if we would have cut contact months ago, we would not be here bickering right now, we would be here having fun." We knew it was true.
Well, it finally happened! We cut contact. It's been almost a month, and I feel great for the most part. Missing her at first, but now I see that everything we had discussed about spending time apart to let the dust settle, it has happened. The issue has almost dissipated from my mind, and I don't much associate her or us with it anymore. I really wish we would have done this earlier because it feels like the scab we kept opening up, has finally healed and there's nothing left to pick at. I've gained clarity and I definitely prefer my life with her, than without her. Therapy has been invaluable, and I really gained such a new perspective as to how to truly have a great relationship - And that isn't thinking I am always right.
Here's the thing, I know she was more hurt than I was. I know in general she takes longer to get over being angry than I do. So I don't think I can be the one to reach out to her just because I feel better. I can't assume she does yet, and I need to respect her equal need to heal. I knew if we contact one another too early, we will fall back into the same trend. We both need to be healed and ready.
I guess why I am writing this is, now I am scared. I mean, technically we are broken up. We both agreed that after time had passed and we had let the situation go, we wanted to reconnect and let things fall back into place. But what if she fell out of love with me? It's possible that the clarity I gained that I want her in my life, she gained that she doesn't want me in hers. Part of me is ok with that in terms of wanting her to find her happiness if it turns out not to be with me, and in turn that opens me up to the person who truly wants me. I just wonder if maybe this issue pushed her too far, even though we both decided on No Contact for the betterment of the relationship, time changes things, and now it's been a month without talking. I am truly scared I lost her.
Can anyone relate to this? Every once in awhile I feel sick to my stomach considering the fact that she may really, genuinely, be gone. That was not the intention when we agreed to do this, but life just isn't fair.