Not sure I can keep going

[Poppet1710]

Sorry for long post.
My husband and I have a gorgeous 2 month old boy. We had lots of difficulties early on with the first ten days of his life we were in and out of hospital. I struggled to breast feed for many reasons and at 6 weeks I called time on it and switched to a mix of formula and expressed milk via bottle. I did this as I was becoming very depressed and anxious, and baby was never happy. Since switching baby is so much happier, and as babies go I think pretty chilled now. And although I feel guilty for not continuing to breast feed, my mood is generally better. I have sought counselling for PND and doing some online cbt to.
My relationship with my husband is suffering though. I think he has PND- he is very low in mood, sleeping lots and has no interest in his hobbies. He struggles with looking after the baby even for an hour. This evening for example- I popped out to do a couple of things and left him with our son (fed, changed and content in his swing). I was gone for an hour. When I get back I he tells me he has struggled and the baby hasn’t been settled. I try to talk it through but he isn’t interested. I take the baby back off him and get the baby down for a nap. I then try to get dinner sorted, express milk and prepare the bottles for the night. Baby wakes up in the middle of this and husband is nowhere to be found to help me. I find him asleep in bed. I wake him up for dinner. He eats while I finish trying to settle baby and express (my dinner waiting in the oven). He then tries to settle him while I quickly eat. I then end up clearing up, bathing baby alone and putting baby to bed as he has no interest in us. He is again asleep on the sofa.
I just don’t know what to do. I can’t keep doing everything- running the house and doing all the baby care. I’ve tried talking to him- asked him if he wants me to be purely baby care and him house stuff, I’ve asked him to go to the doctors and tried to get him to spend time with me and the baby when the baby is happy but he just has no interest. We’ve been together for over 8 years, married for 2. Early in our relationship he told me he didn’t know if he would be a good dad and didn’t know if he wanted kids. I was up front and honest with him that I wanted to be a mum. I never pushed him and he was in full agreement to start a family but now I am doubting whether this is what he wants. Have a pushed him into something he didn’t want? Have I made him that unhappy. I’m worried he is going to leave us but also that he may hurt himself. I’ve told him this and he tells me not to be silly but he is just not himself.
I just feel so alone, I am doubting my abilities to be a good mum as I can’t breast feed, I don’t know what I’m doing through the day- just guessing at what I should do with the baby and my relationship is in pieces. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mum and I feel like I’m failing.

That sounds very hard. As a single parent from the start I let the housework slide and concentrated on the baby and got a cleaner in for a bit, so practical things can be addressed. However it sounds like you are really worried about your dh's mental health, which you shouldn't need to be doing at the moment.

Does he have any family or friends who could speak to him? Unfortunately you need to focus on yourself and your baby's immediate needs as a priority, if your dh won't tell you or speak to a counsellor he is not helping himself and he needs to at least try imo.

Also he is a grown man and you have given him the wondeful gift of a child, don't ever feel responsible for his current lack of enthusiasm.

Op l would struggle with this behaviour, he is being a selfish brat, if he is genuinely depressed then he needs to get help and fast, and go to his GP.
YOU have been pregnant, YOU have given birth, YOU are almost entirely responsible for a newborn. He should be looking after you!

My DH was dreadful at the newborn and baby stage, totally hopeless BUT he cooked for me, shopped, fetched and carried and did everything else for the first 3 weeks after my c-section.
Time to tell him he has responsibilities and he has to step up...most of us wondered what the hell we had done in the early days, but we still looked after our babies...Congratulations on your baby, it gets better and better trust me!

I think he sounds depressed rather than deliberately selfish although obviously the impact of his behaviour is detrimental to you and your relationship.
I would avoid making any major decisions right now and see if you can go to counselling together and maybe get him to his GP asap.
Lots of parents struggle massively at the start, hopefully you can overcome this together.
In the meantime can anyone else support you in practical ways?

Having a baby is a huge adjustment and men often struggle. He’ll get a hang of being a father when your son is a bit bigger and interactive.
It’s not ideal, and he should try to be more useful. But maybe try to give him little non-baby related household tasks for now - to make life easier for you and let him get over whatever it is he is getting over.
He does sound a little depressed, or possibly also shell-shocked. Wanting to have a child and the reality of it can hit hard. Especially if it wasn’t a smooth sailing. It seems that life has changed dramatically and forever will be focused on sustaining a tiny life.
But it won’t be this way forever. The adults will reclaim some (a lot) if their lives back. Hard as it is to imagine this now.

Good luck and congratulations

Hi thanks. He will do things in the house if I ask but it just appears to be such an effort for him and I have to wait hours. For example he will get the bottles ready but it will be later and when I need one, whereas I like to have them ready ahead of time so I don’t have to deal with a screaming baby longer than necessary. I don’t think it is him being lazy or selfish as before we had the baby he did half the house work and in the last 2 months of pregnancy did everything apart from cooking as I had bad PSD and struggled. I just think he is lacking motivation/interest which is why I feel he is depressed. It is just so frustrating that he doesn’t think it is a problem. He is always reluctant to see a doctor for physical health so how I can get him to go for mental health I have no idea.

I just don’t want our mental health issues to impact on our little boy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and my husband has been my rock. Now I don’t have him to rely on, and I’m anxious for him as well. I feel like I’m letting my husband down by not being able to help him and I’m failing as a mother by not continuing to breast feed and provide him with a happy mummy and daddy.

Oh love. This sounds so awful for you. I’ve got a 7 week old and have also had a bit of a journey with breastfeeding so I understand how difficult that is. My husband also suffers with MH issues, which has made life with a newborn very tricky, although it was much much harder with our first.
When we had our first it was exactly as you’re saying, but my husband also has OCD which peaked after baby 1 was born. Looking back I did the wrong things for him personally, being gentle, trying to do everything to make his life easier. This just made everything so much harder in the long run for him as I set the boundary too low- I read the other day begging for the bare minimum is never ok and that was my life for the first year. When we’ve chatted about the past he’s acknowledged that, like most men, the newborn stage isn’t fun for him (like 3 night feeds is bloody fun for me! 😡) but that his relationship with baby 1 has blossomed through the last 2 years.
This time round I’ve been much more direct in what I NEED, laying it on the line of if I’m doing everything and carrying him I may as well be alone- that and being completely upfront on how much his depression affects me and my life as he genuinely thought his MH issues only affect him (which is just so ridiculous my best friend actually LOLed). Things actually came to a head two weeks ago and I wrote a letter to him because my words weren’t effective- nothing was changing. I said all this, along with how much I love him and will fight to help him but I can’t do everything alone. After that we told each other 5 simple things we can do to help each other and our lives have completely turned around. My 5 were be more present (even just for an hour after work then go take time alone if needed), respond when I speak to you (as he does that bloody annoying thing of acknowledging in his head then I repeat myself and he snaps 🙄), get you earlier so OCD routines are over before baby routines kick in, no swearing, no taking stress out on the family (ie snapping after work). It’s honestly been life changing. It’s given us control back and set out boundaries so when we don’t do one of the 5 things it’s referred back to and it’s very clear.
I also managed to get him on medication for the first time in our 15 year relationship. Again, it took that letter to push him to do it but it’s really helping him.
Finally- you are NOT failing as a mum. You’ve done bloody brilliantly to breastfeed that long, everyday I think fuck this I’m done! 😂 but struggle through. When I feel I’m failing my babies because of issues with my husband I remind myself that they won’t ever know any of these behaviours, they won’t remember anything- if things continue down this path and the worst happens and the relationship ends then that’s just what happens, you’ll be ok. It’s a very oddly pessimistic thought for me but I do hold on to that I do almost everything for the kids so I know if need be I can definitely go it alone- as can you if that ever needed to happen. You’ll move past this stage, by yourself and with your DH. If you’re feeling alone and want another new born mum on hand for middle of the night worries please message me and We can chat on WhatsApp or something. You dont deserve to be alone in this- you’re doing brilliantly xxxxx

I know it's fashionable (and maybe true in some cases) to say that a bloke can have PND, but honestly usually what people describe is a bloke that doesn't want to do his share of the work, and resents what needs doing. I know these men sometimes have low mood, like the sleeping you describe etc, but that is because they dislike the demands placed on them by fatherhood. I suppose some of them have pre-existing mental health issues or tendencies towards them, that the new challenges of parenthood bring out.

@Babynumber2dueNov has some great ideas.

Thank you. I think I will try writing it down for him and see if he realises then that something isn’t right/ sees what I need him to be doing. My sister is down for Xmas at the weekend and my mum lives close by so I do have their support. My sister has offered to watch the little guy for a few hours so I can get things done, which I will take her up on. My DH is just such a proud guy that he wouldn’t want them knowing the difficulties we are having. His family all live 6 or more hours away and he is the youngest by a number of years so isn’t close to his siblings and he wouldn’t want any of them worrying. I am pretty sure his job also plays a role in him not wanting to see a doctor. Hopefully the writing it down will help.

Please do NOT feel guilty for not continuing to breastfeed. As your DS grows, starts eating things other than milk and gradually becomes a robust toddler getting into mischief, things that seem so important now will become irrelevant. I still feel some residual anger about the NCT's anti-formula stance (and DD1 is a teenager…). They claim they support all types of feeding but that's not true and it just adds to new mother anxiety which I think is very unsupportive. DD1 didn't gain any weight on breastmilk - I just wasn’t very good at breastfeeding and I think that contributed to a low supply (and I seemed to be surrounded by women who had more milk than they knew what to do with…). When DD1 had her first bottle of formula at 3 weeks old I felt like I was feeding her Coca-Cola – I remember sobbing. Yes, breastfeeding is great but formula is extremely good stuff too and the most important thing is for your DS to be thriving. It helped that my sister's best friend, whose DD was then about 8 yo, had been completely unable to breastfeed – her DD hadn't even had colostrum, she was entirely formula fed from absolutely the word go and one of the healthiest and most robust children you could meet. So put that guilt away; it's misplaced and an unnecessary drain on you at an emotionally demanding time. Your DC is doing really well and that is what matters. As for your DH – as others say, he may just be suffering from the shock of early parenthood or it may be actual PND and he may benefit from some treatment. It's probably the former. I don't think this is sufficiently discussed (perhaps I'm wrong – it's many years since I was at an antenatal class J) but I remember feeling completely overwhelmed and fairly wretched for the first 6 weeks or so after DD1 was born. The first 2-3 months of parenthood are SO intense – it really does become massively easier as you all get used to your new life – it sounds like you have already but perhaps your DH needs that reassurance too. He's used to being your rock and being able to cope so perhaps he's feeling totally shaken at how new and different life is as a parent. He might also need really clear instructions re. what's needed i.e. clean the bottles now so they're ready as soon as they're needed, because, from recollection, what's obvious to mums in the early days is not always obvious to dads. Anyway, you're doing too much and that will take a toll on you in the end. Concentrate on your DC and resting when you can: I read some great advice – "Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't stay awake if you can sleep". Your DH can help with the domestic stuff which absolutely needs to be done.

If you're expressing then baby is still getting your amazing breastmilk! It's a lot more than a lot of people manage so don't best yourself up one bit!