AIBU - advice needed on husband

[Muminneed12]

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post but I am at my wits end and just don't know who else to talk to. We have recently moved to a rural area and my family who I replied on heavily are no longer close by.

I have been with husband for a long time (12 years) and we have 2 gorgeous boys but I am not sure how much longer I can cope for my own wellbeing.

He is helpful around the house but that's about it. He doesn't contribute financially as much as he should. I earn more so am happy to put more in to the joint pot but he doesn't offer a penny towards Christmas presents for the boys or anyone else! He also doesn't do anything like maintenance in the house (changing lightbulbs, painting, mowing the front and back lawns, hanging wallpaper) or organise anything in relation to bills or maintenance of the car. Additionally, he goes out (albeit not often and this has lessened since the move) and spends money that he doesn't have and then I'm left paying extra as he runs out of money. When I get annoyed about this which I do as I'd like him to take on more responsibility he becomes very grumpy like a petulant child and will ignore me for days creating a horrible home environment. It then gets to the point that it is so uncomfortable that I end up apologising for getting cross about it.
As well as all this, I find it really hurtful that not once in 12 years has he organised a family trip or day out. It is always me that suggests doing things with the children and then he comes along but never seems happy about it and I end up trying to be extra happy and overcompensate which leaves me miserable when we then get home and the boys are in bed. I just don't know what to do but I am finding that I am becoming more and more resentful. Am I asking for too much or should he be helping more I just don't know. He is currently out at the gym and I'm left home alone again, crying!

How impossible would it be for you to move back near your family where you get support?
Its very typical of controlling and abusive partners that they isolate you.

This is unlikely to change for the better. You will become better at modifying your behaviour as time goes on. Get your ducks in a row and prepare to start a new life with your boys.

This sounds like a truly miserable existence for you, my heart goes out to you.

He won't change, and that is very hard for you to work with. Why don't you change the focus away from him and start proactively thinking about what you want? Then start thinking about steps to get there. Write a list if it helps.

Try not to make the list about him only . Think about life goals, career goals emotional goals. Where YOU want to live. Give yourself some agency. Take the power from him. You can do it.

I would leave him. Sorry op. He's a lousy parent and partner.

He sounds like an arsehole. You sound as if you have been a mother to him rather than a partner by paying his way and letting him get away with doing what he wants for so long.

I’d be inclined to tell him that in the new year if he doesn’t pull his socks up and be a better dad and better partner than he can save what money he has for his own place and he can pay his own bills and buy his own presents for the children you will share over the holidays. But in the same breath you don’t want him to make an effort just because he financial stability is being threatened, he needs to make an effort because he wants to make things better.

Hope it works out for you

what a selfish vile lazy cretin... OP you know you need to leave with your beautiful kids for your own sanity.

was the move to a rural area his idea. as it sounds like he's trying to isolate you.

He sounds lazy, immature and selfish. Not being proactive with the kids and selfishly spending money on himself so that you have to pick up the tab - stuff that. He needs a massive kick up the arse.

What is your housing situation? Own/rent? In whose name?

He sounds horrible. I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that you are having doubts about your relationship. Ask him to go to counselling to sort things out. He will if he cares even a tiny bit. If he doesn’t then at least you know. If he starts threatening you saying that he will claim spousal maintenance etc just tell him flatly that that isn’t how it works anymore, certainly not for men like him.

Not much of a catch is he.
Why did you move?
I'd get through xmas and think about leaving in the NY.

Such an attractive man! Lazy,irresponsible shit!

You had to rely heavily on your family before you moved OP.
This speaks volumes.
Should have been your husband you relied on from the get go.
You cant change him but what can you do is change you!