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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex-Mas

14 replies

Deadtome · 18/12/2019 21:47

First Christmas out of an abusive relationship. Just looking for advice or tips on how to handle seeing ex In-laws...They won’t have been told the real reasons behind our split. Have to see them for the DCs sakes. Not sure I’ll be able to not say my piece...

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 18/12/2019 22:26

My ex in laws were not told actual reasons either from what I can piece together. And have not approached me for what happened either.

They however have cut me out the family full stop although I am divorcing H for his unreasonable behaviour. And I am sure if they had a friend who told them this and this happens in my marriage they would have advised their friend to end it. However they are not interested in hearing it and life goes on and I have to work at putting it behind me.

If I see them I will be polite and friendly. I doubt I will receive the same in return.

If I were you I would go with polite and friendly and avoid talking about the split at all costs. You are not there to talk about that and they should not make you feel as if you are. You are there for your kids.

Take one day at a time and dont be too hard on yourself.

Sending you strength and a 🤗

Original poster
Deadtome · 18/12/2019 22:50

Thanks RoseMartha. I doubt the split will be mentioned but will have to seriously bite my tongue if anything positive is said about my Ex. Plus I suspect that they may have all been introduced to his new victim, sorry GF, and it feels awkward them all knowing this and thinking I’m in the dark about it.

OP posts:
LetsPlayDarts · 18/12/2019 22:57

Why do you have to see them?

IdiotInDisguise · 18/12/2019 22:59

Yes, you don’t need to see them. If your kids are in contact with their dad, they can see the parental GP when they are with their dad.

RockingAroundTheXMasTree · 18/12/2019 23:00

@LetsPlay I wondered that too. If it’s for the kids‘ sake, can’t XH pick them up and bring them back to you?

Original poster
Deadtome · 18/12/2019 23:06

I’ve been asked along too (by in-laws and extended family). It would be the normal routine we’d have had - just a quick visit, not for dinner or anything. My DCs would be upset for me not to be there and I don’t want to be apart from them on XMas day either, even for a short while.

OP posts:
RockingAroundTheXMasTree · 18/12/2019 23:15

If it’s just a quick visit, I’m sure nothing will have to be talked about - unless you feel you can’t help bringing it up? Your XILs are quite likely apprehensive too. Anyone from that side of the family you could catch up with before XMas, to break the ice so to speak?

Original poster
Deadtome · 18/12/2019 23:25

No, wouldn’t see any of them before then. I just feel so emotional at the moment, like any comment could tip me over the edge! Hate feeling like the outsider too - it’s all just so hard to get used to.

OP posts:
LetsPlayDarts · 19/12/2019 00:24

I just wouldn't go. It's not a big ask to be away from your DCs for a short time. You can grab a glass of wine and have an hour to yourself.

Start focussing on creating a life for you and the DCs. Your ex is responsible for all explanations and also contact with your ex in-laws.

XXXXXX42 · 19/12/2019 09:37

I wouldn't go myself. I'd drop the kids off, go home and use the time for a quick tidy up and a peaceful coffee and then go back and get them. Best to have a clean break and develop new habits / traditions imo (Split last October, been divorced 9 months now with one DD).

Original poster
Deadtome · 19/12/2019 21:13

Not going is not an option, just wanted advice on how to handle it.

OP posts:
Jane1978xx · 19/12/2019 21:18

if You have to go. I would take things the kids have done like pictures or art. Then you have something to talk about. Also take something the kids can do like colouring so you can sit with them and do that.

Original poster
Deadtome · 19/12/2019 21:24

Thanks @Jane1978xx - hadn’t thought of that. They’ll prob have some Santa toys with them so might just focus on them and the other kids as I haven’t seen them in a bit and miss them. Less time then to spend with the adults.

OP posts:
Jane1978xx · 19/12/2019 21:41

Yes talk to the kids , take some games or craft so they come to you and keep busy with them x

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