abuse ex, new partners

[Peshawar]

Do some abusive men behave differently with new partners (assuming they haven't had therapy or done a perpetrator programme etc)? I am happy to be rid of my abusive ex but now he has a new partner I think he is going to be loving and kind to her and not abusive to make it look like I was making up the allegations of abuse in our marriage and that he was the perfect husband. He was furious when I went to the police and he was arrested for violence. Since we split up 10 years ago he has gone round my family and neighbours protesting his innocence and trying to look like the victim - and a small number of people believe him and call me a liar. (I want to make it clear I dont want another woman to go through what I did). Do people reckon a man who was abusive to me and my children for 15 years can change in a new relationship?

I feel he's going to be super nice to this new woman to try and discredit me, so far he has gone to tremendous lengths to discredit me

My XH was controlling and pathologically jealous, to the point where by the end he was paying someone to follow me. I'm absolutely certain that he doesn't behave like this with his second wife and if I was her I'd have had something to say about the amount of time and emotional energy he spent trying to control me through money for more than 10 years after the divorce. He was obsessed and I don't know why she put up with it.
Some people will believe him and they will have their own reasons for that. You'll have to let that go. You know your truth.

He might do but he won't be able to keep it up.
I tried very, very hard to prevent my young DS having unsupervised contact with his dad after he attacked me while DS was in my arms. Even though XP admitted doing this, the Court did not think he was likely to be violent towards his new partner. A few years later DS (by then aged 6) had to intervene to stop his dad throttling her .

I think the pretence of being perfect with a new partner is a continuation of bullying behaviour, it makes you doubt your sanity and feel like their abuse was your fault. Don't fall for it!

thank you, thats very interesting and helps me see another dimension to this..mine always knows where I am and when I am away from home.. do you think your's isn't really bothered about his new partner - doesn't care if she is there or not therefore not controlling? do you think he is using her to try and get at you? I have thought the same as you - why does the new girlfriend tolerate a man who still puts so much effort in to stalking his ex partner?

MsDFye - that is exactly what I suspect, but how long do you reckon he can keep it up? is he just behaving like that in public and being nasty to her in private?

JosephineDeBeauharnais - while we were married we barely ever saw my sister and her husband - he had only met them a handful of times (she is a lot older than me and we live a fair distance apart). yet when we split up he became very very close to her. he has introduced his new GF to my sister and her husband and they go out together in a foursome - even attending my daughters school play together as a foursome (even though he knew I was attending alone). I get why he does things like that - to try and annoy/hurt/isolate me/make me jealous but why the hello would his GF go along with it? Why would a woman tolerate a man who introduces her to his ex wifes family when it is clear to me that he is using her to wind his ex up?

It’s like I wrote your post myself. Mine was abusive in every way imaginable. Stole from me, hit me, told me what I could and couldn’t wear, told me where I could and couldn’t go, raped me the list is endless. He’s been with his partner now for 8 years. He’s exactly the same with her. Initially he wasn’t and I though there was something wrong with me. How can he treat me like that and not her? But nope he is still a massive prick who makes her life miserable. She moans to me. And all I think is thank god it isn’t me anymore. Not like I want another woman to go through that, I don’t, but a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots. And now I have to attempt to live my life a shell of my former self because of it.

Mine also tried to stay close to my sister. It made me very cross, especially as she went along with it, but eventually it petered out.
Mine also played the victim for years and years, but he was just embarrassing himself really as over time it became clear that his claims were largely nonsense - he tried to pretend that the reason he didn't see our DC was that I wouldn't let him, but his failure to appear at the custody hearing that he had initiated kind of gave the lie to that, and from then on nobody took him seriously. We're 30 years down the line now and he STILL won't be sensible.

Kayleigh12 yes, its the thing of thinking there was something wrong with me

JosephineDeBeauharnais I think its pathological for an ex to get close to a womans sister - they understand the rivalry between sisters and its peverted - as if being close to your sister gives them a piece of you/still some stake in you. I imagine him and my sister as thick as thieves but my daughter says she will eventually see through him and get sick of him, as if he can only keep up the act for so long

I often wonder if my ex narc h is a different man with the OW. They were together during our marriage, he physically, emotionally and psychologically abused me and the children and yet he seems to be a different person with her.

Mind you, she’s on her 3rd divorce, has loads of money and is his sisters best friend, also his narc mother got them together.

He has been on fancy long haul holidays without her children and yet he still tries to hoover me in.

She has a reputation as a Bunny Boiler, even exh was calling her it, not sure how she got the name.
She is very materialistic, pseudo spiritual and he is very narcissistic, materialistic and generally a wanker, so they’re a perfect match!

lexiepuppy - do you really think your ex treats her with respect? did his sister know he was seeing her while you were married? she is the aunt of your children - do they see their aunt and how do you feel about that? you seem pretty chilled about it - how have you managed to get to that point?

Interestingly my Ex’s second wife is a woman who was on the fringes of our friendship group, and who he was pretty disparaging about, even gave her a nickname of a whiny female character from a soap that was popular at the time.
Everyone was very surprised when they got together, but maybe the fact that she was childless, did very well out of her divorce and was the only child of wealthy parents had something to do with it . Cynical? Moi?

@Peshawar I assume my sil did know about the relationship as my best friend knew and didn’t tell me!

I was obviously either very naive or very stupid. I put up with an awful lot because my daughter has a kidney disease and was very ill.

His family alway defended him and now I know why.

I had a breakdown and was suicidal when I left him. I had a year from hell and when my ex h dad died ( who was like a father to me), he brought my ex narc mil into our house without discussion and she was there for 6 months, he has an enmeshed relationship with her and they plotted to sell our house and buy 2 houses side by side,one for her and the other for us.
Again i didn’t agree with it, but I had been financially controlled throughout the marriage and was not on the house deeds.

I ended up in hospital with a kidney stone stuck in my ureter, which literally felt like I was dying, pissing blood, throwing up!
I couldn’t cope with ex mil in the house, he listened only to her. I was being phased out.

I was so ill pissing blood with a stent in me, and felt so suicidal, that I left him. And the ex narc Mil still at home!

I found about the affair via his emails months down the line, sadly loads of ‘friends’ knew but said nothing!

Now I hear about all he is doing , even on the emails I saw that he was taking her away for romantic weekends.
Now he goes long haul luxury holidays, they’ve bought a cottage, rescued a dog. Everything looks wonderful! I hear from friends how they are getting on and I was so easily replaced!

I thought narcs were supposed to treat them just as badly, but it certainly doesn’t seem that way for me.

I am 4 years down the line. I still have meltdowns over all that happened , as so much more happened than I can tell you!

I just research all the time about what went on! Why it happened. I understand it was due to my abusive background and the fact I literally married a replica of my dad.

So I was used to abuse, it was normal to me.

So now I am NC with ex h and his family and NC with my own family.

They can contact my children, but not me! And I feel so much better for not seeing anyone!

I realise I need to have much stronger boundaries, I am sad that I ended up codependent with ex narc, as I had been confident before meeting him, now I am still a shell of myself, added to the fact he left me for someone richer, prettier and younger than me!

He is living the high life and I have struggled.
So the theory of them treating the new supply just as badly doesn’t always ring true, but I suppose we only see or get told the edited narc version!

All I can say is I have learnt a lot from my marriage, I am 4 years single and I doubt I will ever trust anyone ever again!

Having been in touch with 2 of my abusive exes - exes, I don't think a leopard ever changes its spots.

Well they are nice to the new woman at the beginning, just like they were with us, because that is what sucks you in in the first place. No one would be with them if they saw the truth which seems to come out after a few years and DC. They will only remain being a pleasant partner if they don't have the upper hand - so moving on to a wealthy single woman without DC means they are more likely to be dumped for bad behaviour because there are no DC involved, so they will keep up the mr nice guy act. Stalking an ex can be passed off as the ex being 'mental' and totally reversed in the eyes of the new partner, they will believe the 'crazy ex' is still harassing the bloke. It's a shame we can't name and shame them on a webpage to warn others.

The mask will drop eventually with ALL their targets, it is only a matter of time.

Their behaviour and masks change for each specific target. They are true chameleons. That is the only thing trustworthy about them, that you can be sure that they closely study and mirror each target to give them what they need, to become the perfect partner and wear the appropriate masks. Until they have the necessary power and control.

They abuse everyone. Just because they appear to be treating someone well, does not mean that they are. Think back to the first few months... maybe years ... when you were with them. People saw a perfectly happy couple. YOU knew differently, but no doubt in public, it all seemed fine. In private though, the abuser would treat you very differently.... but with covert abuse especially, there is almost always plausible deniability....

As for financial abuse, well, an abuser could well be conning a new target out of money by keeping her sweet for as long as necessary, then once her money runs out, he is done.

Nobody knows what is really going on. One thing is sure though, they NEVER change for anyone. My ex had two stunning ex wives. The second one especially was super model level beauty. He did to her what he did to me... and worse... he was physically abusive with her. Beauty is something to consume for them... along with whatever else you have to offer. And if you are good looking, they will do their best to make you feel like shit. From the outside, me and my ex looked so happy. Back home, he picked my poor body to bits like I was a rotten piece of meat.. then he would deny it...

So appearances are ALWAYS deceiving with abusers. They are incapable of love.

@Gemma1971
Your post is spot on! You know your narcs!
My ex narc h always wanted to be in his sisters elite social group. He always wanted a bigger house, better car ,fancy holidays, more money etc etc.
He always flirted with women in front of me, told me who he fancied. He was even photographed rolling around on the floor with a 17 year old girl on a Christmas night out with colleagues! He told me this was all perfectly normal!
When I saw the pic on FB I posted about how disgusted I was with him,
But his mother, sister and Aunty all had a massive go at me. The flying monkeys enabled his shitty behaviour towards me.

He did all the textbook abusive stuff and it just doesn’t look like he is doing that with her!

But I would have to be a fly on the wall to actually know!

All I know is I have alopecia, M.E/C.F.S and serious eczema. I feel utterly burnt out and he is just having a wonderful life!

Or so I get told! I am no longer on social media! I came off of that when he sold our house and went to Dubai for a month, leaving me and our children with nothing at Christmas, homeless.

I’m Slowly getting stronger!

nah they're the same with them all. The mask soon drops - they can't keep it up. It's impossible to pretend to be a normal kind person for that long.

I've recently been touch with several of my ex's current and ex gfs, and it's like he has a script. It would be funny except the script escalates to violence and extreme abuse very quickly.