Being excluded from Christmas lunch

[daydream90]

Myself and my brother are nc and have been for many years. I tried to build a civil relationship a few years ago but it turned out he was basically laughing at my attempts. Our paths rarely cross as he lives up north with his family and I live close to my parents but keep my distance when he's visiting them although I would be civil if I saw him for my parents sake.

Myself and my husband along with our dc were due to have Christmas Day lunch with my parents and other siblings. Now my brother has decided he's coming home for Christmas and staying until Boxing Day and all of a sudden my mum doesn't have room for us all at the table and has suggested I visit on Boxing Day instead when he's gone home to which I declined and then resulted in her telling me how she was too busy to visit us. I feel really hurt by my whole family. My siblings are closer in age whereas there is a gap between me and them and they stick together. How do I get past this? Thanks

Its 1 lunch on 1 day - there are 354 / 365 other days of the year to have lunch together.

If you are NC with a member of your family this is all part of that package. Whether its your fault or not.

Have lunch at home with your husband and dcs. See everyone on boxing day, xmas eve, or another of the days. Its just a day, stop all the mental pressure on yourself over it.

That's really shit. So sorry. It's very hurtful and I expect you're feeling really upset.

I'd say fuck 'em. It's Christmas. Enjoy it with your own family and I hope you are able to have a lovely day.

Some family members are highly toxic and it's best to stay away and look after your own. It took me a long time to learn that. I wish you all the best.

Wow. That is crap. I can understand why you’re upset. Can you do xmas with your partners side of the family instead?

Time to start having a family christmas of your own at home.

yes well tbh if he's going to be there you would be better off staying at home, he doesn't sound very nice.
Stay at home with your dh and the kids it will be much more relaxed.

Personally I'd take full advantage of the fact to be on our own with our own small family. Eat what you want, when you want, do whatever you like and you don't have to dance to anyone else's tune - perfect!

Sorry OP, I want to add I don't want to belittle your problems. I can see your bro has put your DM in a fix though!

It's shit that she effectively picked him over you, sorry, OP. You must feel gutted.

I would stay at home,and have a peaceful Christmas.And next time your DM needs anything,she can ask your db.

It must be hurtful that your Mother has chosen to have Christmas with your brother, and rejected you. This can often be seen in families, that the child who lives far away and contributes little, is more highly thought of than one who lives nearby, visits & helps out.

Try to make this work for you and your own family, plan to do all your favourite meals and fun things. Look at it as an opportunity to have the Christmas you want, not one that pleases your parents.

You might enjoy it so much that Christmas at home becomes your own tradition, and to feel that you have outgrown going to the parents for Christmas.

Stay at home, start a new tradition of Christmas at yours now forever. I would also not visit your mother this Christmas/ New Year just let her make the first move now, what she has done is not fair. As others have said if she asks you to do anything, or for anything I would refer her to your siblings

Look after your own family now

Allow for the fact your mother is in a situation where she is being forced to choose between her children. You get to see her regularly, presumably, whereas if she refused him, she's probably scared that he'd dump her and she'd never see him again - and whilst your sibling relationship is undoubtedly shit because of him, he's still one of her children, one she rarely sees and still loves.

Can you imagine having to choose between yours? One you had an ongoing relationship/interaction with and one you still loved, but was miles away? You wouldn't be able to switch off those feelings.

Just for a change from the Narcissistic Mother and Golden Child replies - despite having one of those myself, not everybody is inflicted with one and I'd always say think carefully before jumping to that conclusion - in this case, it could be that he is the Narcissist and she is a victim, or she could just be a mum of older, adult children trying to do her best to see everybody she loves when they don't get along/the house will be packed/she can't cope with the atmosphere.

So, rather than expect your brother to behave like a grown up and be polite your mum uninvited you?
That is shit!

It looks like your mother has rather thoughtlessly and clumsily found her solution to the issue between you and your brother and relegated you to the B team hasn't she. And then reacted to your reaction to this by refusing to back down by visiting you. You must feel understandably rejected and slighted by her/them. I also suspect there are some undercurrents going on about the pecking order in your family.

Your choices are to have it out with her if you feel able to approach it calmly. Would that get you anywhere? Or would it make the situation worse?

Or as other posters have said use it as an opportunity to redraw the boundaries in your family and do something special with your own family.

I do think taking control of the situation would make you feel better than trying to change someone who has already made a decision however 'wrong' that decision is.

This more or less happened me. My mum told me it would be better for everyone if I and my family didn't come for xmas as we had already arranged when my sibling was in a major strop with me.

I went to my in laws and had a lovely time but it was brutal. I forgave my mother eventually - she was old and caught between a rock and a hard place. My sibling and I eventually made up too - but I won't ever forget telling my small children they weren't going to granny's for christmas (they had been talking about it for weeks) and wouldn't see their cousins at all.

If I were you, I would simply stop making contact for a while. Spend time with friends and in laws over christmas instead. If one of your other siblings reaches out, that will be nice. I'd let your mother off for a while. She disinvited you from christmas dinner in favour of another child - she should own that and not act like you are responding unreasonably.

Allow for the fact your mother is in a situation where she is being forced to choose between her children. You get to see her regularly, presumably, whereas if she refused him, she's probably scared that he'd dump her and she'd never see him again - and whilst your sibling relationship is undoubtedly shit because of him, he's still one of her children, one she rarely sees and still loves.

^This

I’d feel hurt too. Maybe reduce the contact for a few days over Christmas until you lose the strength of that feeling. Carry on and have a lovely little family Christmas.

If my dc are visiting they’re all equally welcome and I would expect them to get on together in my home.
Your dm should tell your db you are invited and let you decide whether or not to come.