Emotional abuse

[Flobbertybillop]

Afternoon all,

I’m just after some advice really.
I separated from my husband in September. I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of relief, but I was talking to someone yesterday and I realised I’m scared to speak my mind, to use my voice.
If I ever did he would shout, have a tantrum or tell me I was wrong.
I’ve been really emotional today, and it’s kind of knocked me for six.
I feel like an idiot for having stayed for so long and not seeing what was happening.
Does anyone have some advice on how to move past this please?
Thanks

Try the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid, apparently best if done in person rather than online.

If it was only yesterday you started to more deeply realise this, it's not like you are having difficulty moving past it. I think the realization might actually make you get more thoroughly over the relationship/ be more comfortable with the outcome, as you've realized to an even greater extent what a wrong'un he is.

You will also be better able to spot warning signs and these behaviours from other men in the future.

You just need to do some work yourself.
These things creep up on you without you even realising.
Abusers are very good at that.
You are NOT an idiot.
This happens to thousands upon thousands of people.

As a PP has suggested - the Womens Aid Freedom Programme will be a good thing to do.
Some therapy or counselling would be good as well.
Talk through how you feeling.
Realise it's not YOU - it's all HIM.
But you got out.
So well done.
I hope you can now have a peaceful, abuse free life!
Embrace it!

Yes The Freedom Programme is a good idea.

Also look into some counselling to help you find your confidence again. You will get there.

And well done for leaving the relationship. It's not easy to do when your self-esteem is in tatters. It shows you that YOU are still in there somewhere, even if it doesn't feel like it today (and it's fine to have a wobble).

Also keep talking to people/friends in real life about how you're feeling.

Thank you all you lovely people.
Is the freedom programme the one you pay for?
I’m lucky I do have some very supportive people in my life, I really appreciate you all taking the time to write. X

If you attend the course in person then you don't have to pay.
If you do it on-line, I believe (?) you have to buy a book which is £10-12
Lean on everyone you can. They will want to help you right now.
Keep busy.
Get out and about.
Join a few local clubs or find a hobby you enjoy.
It will take time - but you will get back to YOU!

I'm 20 years on and still have moments and I still sometimes do things I'm uncomfortable with.

I'm not sure we ever 100% recover, we are still scarred but the scars fade.

The biggest thing is you can see it and that empowers you. Congratulations OP, freedom is ahead.

For me it was time and looking for ways to raise my confidence. Initially I found it really hard to make a decision and would often second guess myself - having friends I could confide in to help me understand was my wobble normal or did I just need to calm and breathe.

A big legacy for me since leaving an abusive partner is panicking and being sorry. I have an amazing partner now and I have to be really conscious of I don't slip into legacy patterns. Two examples - I used to get in trouble or not be aloud to go out late. If I meet friends at about 9 sometimes I start to panic that my partner won't like this and I need to go home. My partner is happy for me to go out and enjoy my time - it's my mental preconception that falls back into old behaviour - I have to give myself a talking to and remind myself life has changed.

And lastly - over apologising - as I was continually told off I continually apologised - I had to learn to stop this!

Well done for leaving and remember it takes time but you are already on the path to recovering

Yes to The Freedom Program, assertiveness training if you can find it, and the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

There's some really good information about spotting abuse in the early stages of a relationship, and weeding out people who are potentially a problem in The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

Hi, did you do the freedom programme? Just wondering and we offer it online free, happy to chat if you wanted x