Alcohol, love and intimacy

[GilbertGrapesGoat]

I posted in the alcohol section but no takers so reposting here.

I love the son of a man who had alcohol dependency problems. Sadly his father died from an alcohol related illness.

My boyfriend is a bit of a closed book. He’s 41, has had one long term relationship and has a daughter from that relationship. He had a few girlfriends before his ex and I’m his first girlfriend since.

Before we got together we got to know each other over a number of months. I was going through a difficult break up and we became close friends. I think at that stage we didn’t realise how we felt about each other so we were very honest about our feelings and behaviour in past relationships.

He told me that he had said he loved all his past girlfriends but had never meant it. I was surprised but liked his honesty.

So now I find myself several months into the relationship. I don’t want him to tell me that he loves me because I don’t want to be another woman who he has lied to.

I spoke to a close friend whose mother is a recovering alcoholic. She said that she thinks he may have a fear of intimacy because of his dad. Could this be possible?

Do adult male children of alcoholics have trouble trusting, loving, being emotionally intimate with their partners? I know that he can feel love. He loves his daughter. He loved and misses his dad.

I really want to be able to understand him a bit more. Any thoughts?

My boyfriend is a bit of a closed book

I would be very wary @GilbertGrapesGoat. Take a look at the discussion on Avoidant DH in Relationships. There is a link about dismissive avoidants included which may be of interest to you.

You're only several months in, it's way too early to be thinking of love or fears of intimacy.
If you feel that way then cut your losses and leave him, it shouldn't be this complicated.
You shouldn't be trying (or needing) to analyse his emotions right now.

You wanting to understand him is great, but it isn't always black and white in circumstances such as this - and you may not like the answers he gives you.

All I can say is that as the daughter of an alcoholic mother (who died last year) I have no problems with trust, intimacy or building solid relationships - but I've dealt with my feelings on the matter and spoke things through.

My bf is a recovering alcoholic himself. His dad is a recovering alcoholic and his brother and uncle died as a result of alcoholism.

He has many issues he is working through as a result of his own alcoholism but he is trusting and loving and very open with me so I don't think it's a fair assumption to say that everyone with alcohol dependant parents have issues with intimacy.

I think you could be overthinking this. From your post alone there’s little to suggest he has a “fear of intimacy” or love. You’ve only been together a few months. Whilst there’s a whole mountain of romance fiction and movies which want us to believe in love at first sight or that you know you love somebody within a short space of time, it’s really a whole lot more complicated and less common than that. There’s a lot of societal pressure to be in love and in a relationship: and honestly I think many people, men and women, will say “I love you” without truly meaning it, at least initially, because their boyfriend/girlfriend says it first - and what do you do when they’ve said it except either say if back even if you’re not totally sure, or hurt them by saying you only like them a lot or saying nothing back at all? It doesn’t mean somebody is emotionally damaged because they’re a slower burner.

Some children of alcoholics will find it difficult to trust or attach. Others won’t. But don’t pathologise really quite perfectly ordinary behaviour simply because you know about his dad’s alcoholism.

@ComtesseDeSpair has hit the nail on the head. So much more eloquently than myself.

I think that if you continue the relationship - assuming it is generally happy and the two of you greatly enjoy one another's company - if, at some point, he then tells you that he loves you, it's because he truly does.

Your decision is whether you wish to wait for him to know this and to tell you.

DP took a fucking year before he said it. He reckons now that he knew months beforehand. Would have saved me a fair few nights where I wondered if it was all going to go to shit if he'd said it a bit earlier - but I know it's true and since then, he's told me every day. soppy git

My parents used to get drunk every evening when I was growing up. It made me very independent as I just had to get on with things without their support.

I've spent some time recently thinking if this has affected my relationships. Overall I've had bad luck with partners and I think I don't really know how to be taken care of. But then someone else who has been in a similar situation may be different.

I think you can only wait and see how your relationship. All the best.

See how your relationship goes that should say

It’s not complicated. It’s great. We’re only a few months in but we have been friends for a while so the getting to know each other stage was quite quick.

if, at some point, he then tells you that he loves you, it's because he truly does.
Well I’m not sure about that. That’s why I’m posting. I’m sure the other women thought he truly loved them too but that’s not what he told me before we got together.

I’m wondering if there are people out there who can’t/don’t feel romantic love. Maybe he has never felt it and I’m kidding myself that he’s going to change at 40 with me. I’m not interested in a one sided relationship. I have been there before. Or maybe he does feel love but is massively guarded. Perhaps because of his Dad.

What do you think?

Also, if he says he loves me now, why would I believe him? Maybe he’s just spinning me the line he span to all the others.