Ideas for spliiting time with DC's over Christmas

[Flyg]

My situation is that I have had physical and verbal/emotional abuse for about 3-4 years. I have had threats from both my ExP and his mum. I have my own place, he has his. We usually split the week down the middle when he isnt working. When he does work he goes away for weeks at a time.

How would you suggest splitting the Christmas days? The solicitor I have hired will start the ball rolling with the house sale / buy out and firming up childcare arrangements in the new year. I cant spend Christmas day with him obviously. Our DC's are 2 and 4. We are both off work all week.

Not sure what to propose?

Your children are young, so probably aren't aware of the date yet. If you can arrange for all your family to get together on a day before or after 25th, then I'd have an alternative Christmas day with the children and let ex have 25th.

I've done this to minimize the friction and abusive behavior from my ex. I'm doing Xmas on 28th. My DC are old enough to know that's going on.

My ExP used to go to the house where DC were on Christmas morning to watch them open their presents. Not sure if you can do this.
Then they would spend Christmas day and night with their Mum and her family.
Boxing day was with their dad.
With my ExH, I would get Christmas and boxing day etc. and he would get New Year.
Really depends how you get on.

Thanks. Im leaning towards alternative Christmas day. I cant be around him anymore. Its so sad that it has come to this but I dont trust him or his family.

We split the Christmas week.
So I have from when when school breaks up until Christmas Day at 2pm.
He then has Christmas Day 2pm - 30th at 2pm

So we both get some of Christmas Day

We do something similar to @CrazyCatLady159. We split the holidays 50/50 so we each get 8 days and we split Christmas day.

This year he collects at 2pm (nearby location as he's not allowed near the house), and returns them on the 2nd at 2pm. I like to have them the last days of the holidays so I can settle them into a routine (all hell breaks lose at his). He was emotionally abusive, controlling, everything except hitting me so I feel you.

My only concern with splitting the actual day is whether it would upset the kids. Handovers tend to be early in the morning.

I'm really not sure what to propose. They are usually with me on a tuesday, i take them to nursery for work and then he picks them up about 2ish. I feel like, because they arent going to nursery because im off I should maybe just wait for him to suggest something? He's done nothing constuctive throughout the split. Just criticised me and complained at everything ive done. Im so tired, I dont want to open a dialogue with him. I might just leave the arrangements as they are so he has them from the afternoon on xmas eve, Christmas day and then I collect them on boxing day and have our christmas on the friday.

Hi OP. My marriage broke down when mine were 8, 6 and 2 and up until this year one parent had them Xmas eve (sometimes a couple of days leading up to it and Xmas day til 4 so that the could sit down to Xmas dinner then the other parent from 4 Xmas day into Boxing Day. And we swapped it each year. However there was never any abuse or interference from in laws so I was lucky. We now split it as the youngest is 13. And they have Xmas day with one and Boxing Day with the other. I would think in your situation your proposal to have your Xmas day on the Friday will be less stressful and upsetting for all involved especially you. Good luck

Thanks for the replies all.

I think i'll ask to have them until after tea on Christmas eve, then they can go to him. Back to me on Thurs (boxing day) evening, and then another Christmas day with me on 27th.

I also have theatre tickets to take my eldest to watch snow white on 4th Jan, so i'll just focus on making their time with me as enjoyable as possible. And probably cry a lot on Christmas day in truth.

Hey lovely. Sounds like a plan. Have a really lovely stress free Christmas and the kids won't know any different. Can you go to your family for Christmas?

@Flyg
That sounds like a plan!

Your children will have 2 Christmas' which is lovely. Christmas Day will be hard - I cry every year - could you go to family / friends on Christmas Day so you are not alone?

Yes I will go to my parents who are very supportive and will want to see the kids without his family anyway, so while its not perfect, its ok, and it was never going to be perfect after all that has gone on.

I've asked my little girl if she wants to stay with mummy or go to daddy's for Xmas. She wants to stay home so that's what's happening. He'd only sit her infront of the telly all day as usual anyway.
I hope you work something out that suits you all xx

My exh and I do alternate Christmas days. To split the day is too much for DD. It works well and everyone is happy, although it is weird having Christmas day without her. Just means she gets 2 christmas days and 2 lots of presents / fuss

Why are you letting him have your DC on the first year that you have seperated? Surely you should be negotiating not trying to appease him and his mum. I feel for your wee DC waking up without there mummy. 2 and 4 is old enough to understand Xmas

I think its worth making it clear also that whatever is decided for this year is reversed for next year so the children have Christmas Day with each parent in alternate years. Is it possible to say do Christmas eve and christmas day with one parent, handover in the evening and Boxing Day and 27th with the other? Think about what may work best long term for splitting days so you can get an agreement in place.

We do 2 Xmases. Ex-DH has a Xmas with DD and I do. We alternative who has her for the 25th. She doesn't mind doing everything twice.

I would hav the children be in their home for the first Christmas day after the split, to be honest. Could they not be with you until Christmas evening, then go to his for Christmas day night (pack some new presents and pyjamas for special Christmas night at dad's!) and Boxing day?

I would say to him that you think they would probably feel less unsettled waking up in their home beds on Christmas day this year as it's the first year and you'd totally reverse it the following year and have it written in that you alternate years, with both parents always getting a slice of Xmas day.

NB I know you say you split the week equally when he's home but as he's often away for weeks at a time, sounds like you are the 'home' parent really.

He is in the former family home, I moved out because he wouldn't leave (or at least not without a very horrible / hard fight). I moved out because every nook and cranny of the old house reminded me of some or other humiliation, argument, criticism or other depressing and harrowing memory. The thought of the old house makes my skin crawl now.

So the kids get to have Christmas there this year, next year they'll be with me when they are used to my place.

Also I cant face the fight this year. For my MH I can not open a dialogue or negotiation with him.

@champagneandfromage50 Dont feel sorry for my wee DC, they've been taken out of an abusive home, so you know, bigger picture and all that

Hi.
Just looking for opinions please.

Myself and my partner are on the way to London for an overnight stay to watch a musical. We return back tomorrow.

We have arranged childcare with my mother in law (who my 6 year old dd loves like a grandmother ). My mother in law will be staying at our house tonight so that my dd sleepsnin her own bed and can go to school from
Home tomorrow.

I don’t know why, but I feel like I am doing something wrong by not mentioning this to my dd’s father (my husband). He has our daughter for two overnight stays each week and when I have previously tried to ask him to rearrange his days for childcare issues, it had caused tension between us. I haven’t done anything wrong by arranging my own childcare in my own time, right, without running it by him? Xx

Flyg I hope your abusive ex doesn't start playing silly buggers using your little ones. My dad was abusive and when he split with my mum he simply used us to continue his abuse. Dreadful situation but your strong to have left.... onwards and upwards

We split Christmas 12 noon Christmas eve to 12 noon boxing day that way we can all enjoy the Christmas day. If Dd isn't with me we just shift the whole thing until later in the week and do Christmas again from scratch, ihave the full 2 weeks off so it doesn't make any difference to me. I thought christmas without her would be terrible but I actually find it the best of both worlds, I can relax, eat drink and watch what Christmas TV I want and then get the nice bits with her too.

However this is all Dd knows and whilst he was a terrible boyfriend he is a good dad.

We are splitting Christmas Day at 1pm as DS’s dad is working Boxing Day.