Please help

[LookingForPerspective2015]

I've just discovered my husband has been having an emotional affair. I'm struggling to function - please can someone tell me the steps I need to go through to protect myself?

Trying to get him out of the house at the moment but I need to get the paperwork and so on in order.

Make an appointment with a solicitor and they'll help you prepare.
I'm so sorry this has happened xxx

Thank you, it really helps to know there's someone out there.

I've discovered the affair was physical in the past, so it's game over. I'm shaking. I've thrown him out and just need to survive to get the kids to school in the morning, then I can think what I need to do next - but any advice would be appreciated.

1. First thing is that you need to llok after yourself . Call on some RL support from friends and family.

If your line manager is sympathetic, tell them your husband has left suddenly ( but don’t tell them any more unless they are a close friend ).

Make sure you eat and drink ( it’s easy to forget when you are in shock ) and stay away from the booze, however tempting it is.

1. Second thing is to ensure stability for your children. Tell them the bare minimum right now , don’t say things you will regret when you are calmer.

Arrange a time for your husband to take the kids out somewhere in the next few days, don’t let him see the kids at yours.

1. Thirds thing is paperwork and getting legal advice.

You need to find details of any marital assets.

Focus first on things he is likely to hide or move , like savings accounts pensions, details of salary/ bonus.

You have more time to find details about property etc, they can’t be sold or moved so quickly without leaving a trail.

Make copies of everything and store out the house and on the cloud, Not on your devices.

Move half the money out of any joint accounts into your own account in a different bank. If you don’t have one, open it tomorrow, it takes a few days.

Get your wages and child benefit Paid into this .

Go into practical mode.

Make lists.

Being proactive helps a lot to distract from the trauma.

The adage "fake it till you make it" is true.

Thank you all, this helps so much. I really appreciate all your answers, I'm so grateful.

I barely know where to start with the finances, as we have a lot of investments, but most of our money is in property at the moment so I think that makes things easier. I'm self employed so will fake illness for a few days - I'm a hard worker and my clients like me so I think I can get away with it.

I've been such a fucking idiot. I've heard the line 'I never thought he'd cheat/ I never thought this would happen to me' a million times on here. Now it's me.

If this has happened to anyone else, did you ever find happiness again?

I will be strong because I have to be for the kids - I will not let this fuck them up. It breaks my heart to think of telling them.

I've got a close family, thank god, and I've been on the phone to my sister half the night, so I'll be well supported.

I think that’s the main thing - have some real life support and get some good legal advice. Also concentrate on your children and supporting them/keeping their life without dad as normal as possible. You will get through this, you’ve got to get yourself through the hurt and the shock initially.

Thank you. The kids will be the thing that makes determined to be ok - I've been through a lot in the past couple of years and survived, and I'll survive this too because I have to be tough for them. But at the moment I'm just reeling ...

My advice is always, first and foremost get real life support and you have that!
That will be a massive help to you.
Lean on your family and friends as much as you need to. They want to help you.

Make a list of what you think you need to do.
That's it - just write out the list.
Then one by one - tick them off.
Do one each day or one every other day.
Don't try to do everything at once.
It will be way too overwhelming.

Look after YOURSELF!!!!
Try to eat. If you can't then keep hydrated and your sugar levels up!
If you need to reach out for external help then please don't delay in seeing your GP.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
It's a horrendous time.
You won't be able to 'just get over' this.
So take as much time as you need.
It was at least a year before I started to feel like myself again.

Protect any shared monies or savings.
Freeze them if necessary.
Don't give him any opportunity to wipe out any bank accounts.

Stay strong in front of the DC and cry yourself silly when they are in bed!
You'll be amazed at how many tears you can actually cry.
And it's better to get that release than to bottle it up!

(((((HUGS))))) OP.
Ask any questions you have as so so many of us on here have been there and got the t-shirt!

Thank you hellsbells, that's more great advice. I'm going to my mum's at the weekend which is something to hold onto - she's gone into full blown mother hen protective mode. I'm so lucky to have support. Did you manage to find any kind of happiness after splitting, or is that a work in progress?

I've managed to do the essentials to sort the kids today, and that's enough for today.

I thought I had found happiness.
But... turns out he was a lying, cheating, narc with a bad porn habit!
I'm staying firmly single from now on and I'm much happier for it!
But so many do find happiness.
My life is just way too busy to fit in a relationship as well.
The next person would need to be extraordinary for me to give up singledom!

@LookingForPerspective2015 just take time to process it first before worrying about the serious separation stuff. Go spend time with your mum and your kids. It’s so hard to function when this happens so just do what you really need to. This happened to my family member 5 years ago and I never thought I would get her back but after 6 months she was in a better headspace. Just take the time you need.

This is a horrible time so take care of yourself. I am I the same boat so I know how it feels.

I’d love to agree with the posters who say “ Just cry and take all the time you need to get over it “.

But I’d worry that he will start hiding assets and moving cash. So I’d get the details first and then go to my mothers and cry all weekend.

BTW don’t be afraid to change your Christmas plans to whatever works for you and the kids. You are not morally obliged to serve him up a nice fake happy family Christmas for the sake of keeping up appearances.

Thank you all, sound advice and it means a lot to have your best wishes. To be honest I just think he's a pathetic middle-aged man. I know I gave my all to this marriage and he blew it, so I can walk away with my head held high. He knows what he's lost.

I managed to get some stuff done today so I feel more organised. Just need to survive the next couple of days till I can get to my mum. The kids are holding me together just by existing. They're beautiful.

@SuperbMonkey I am sorry you're going through this too

Its not your fault - hes an idiot!
My exh cheated and i had no idea never thought he’d do it. You will find happiness again
Be kind to yourself - great your mum will help you.
You will get through it xx

Thank you Lozzer.

I've discovered today he's used a lot of prostitutes. In an odd way it's helped, because he is so far from the man I thought he was I just want to move on with my single life. He's been very unhappy for a while and I think my life will be much the better now I'm not carrying that any more.

What a horrible shock all this has been. It sounds as though you're on top of the financial situation and your lovely mum is helping you, but don't underestimate the way the shock will affect you and your children. I think you'll all be much, much happier when you get used to living without him.

Hope things are looking up for you OP!

Hi, so sorry I haven't been on Mumsnet for a while. I'm much better nearly six months down the line after the initial horror of the shock of finding out. Of course it's been really tough at times, especially when I got coronavirus and he had to move back in, but I have no doubt I'll survive and thrive without him.

My main fear was telling the kids and I was astounded by how well they've handled it. I think the main things have been that they can stay in their home as we're fortunate enough not to need to sell, and they've seen no fighting or arguments. We've kept it determinedly amicable and still have some joint time together which we'll gradually reduce as we build our own separate lives more strongly - their Dad was already away a lot with work so this hasn't been a huge departure for them, and it's more of a gradual transition than a sudden change.

Plus before lockdown started I had an epic fling which did me so much good - I'm really looking forward to behaving badly when life is back to normal!

That's a great up OP.
It all takes time and you are doing what is best for your DC.
Having a fling really does help your self-esteem which has been knocked due to the cheating.
Well done.
Keep going. You sound like you've got this sorted!