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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heartbroken

26 replies

Kezmum14 · 17/12/2019 21:39

I’ve posted on here before about my partner telling me if I didn’t have an abortion he’d leave me, he then walked out a few weeks ago and I didn’t contact him at all but when I came home later that evening he was here. Cried said I’d ruined his life and basically how he felt really low. We kind of carried on as normal and I was hoping we’d make it past Christmas for the sake of the children but I started getting suspicious about his use on snapchat so I did some digging and was following another thread on here so went down the google history route. It showed he’s been on snapchat loads (even though he told me he didn’t use it) and also has downloaded a video calling app. Basically he was speaking to an ex girlfriend who lives in Australia and is married but they’ve been video calling and messaging all day everyday since the 4th October. I’ve confronted him and he said it’s because of me he’s like it and he loves this women and will choose her over me any day. So now I’m home on my own trying to make sense of things. I feel utterly betrayed and so sad I’m in this position right before Christmas. It’s so embarrassing telling people I’m pregnant, my partner has left and been speaking to another women since we found out I was having a baby. I feel like I’m going crazy. I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I knew something was up and he’s cheated on me in the past. I want to be strong enough to move on and not have him in my life but I love him. All I want is to be loved and respected and I know in my heart that won’t happen in this relationship but no one is going to want a broken women with trust issues and 5 children. How am I going to smile and get through Christmas feeling like this 😢

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 17/12/2019 23:01

Hello think yourself lucky you have got rid of him. You dont love HIM, just the idea of what you want him to be. He’s no catch! Focus on your new baby and your children and put him behind you. Any man blaming you for him seeing another women is not worth knowing is he! He doesnt respect women. Good luck

YouNeedToCalmDown · 18/12/2019 02:57

I'm so sorry OP. You and your children deserve better.

WhatshouldIdo123 · 18/12/2019 15:16

Xmas will be fucking hard there is no doubt about it BUT it will come and go and then you can focus on moving on with your life. Right now you cant see the wood for the trees but I promise you WILL get through this. You will have days where you feel great and strong and other days where you feel like shit and have regressed..... all normal. I am nearly 6 months in from chucking my ex husband out and I thought I would die of a broken heart but Im still here and still putting one foot in front of the other. I still have moments where I cry about what happened and did I make the right decision but the more time passes the more I can see he was making me so unhappy. You will get that clarity to...not right now maybe but you will at some point

Mintjulia · 18/12/2019 15:21

Op, your children and the rest of your family want “that broken woman with trust issues”.

Christmas will be really tough, I know, but at least you can start the new decade knowing where you stand. You deserve so much better and you will be free to find it x

Kezmum14 · 18/12/2019 15:22

Thank you. He ended up strangling me last night until I promised I wouldn’t tell the woman’s family. It’s the first time in years he has been violent. (Has a habit it seems of hitting and throwing things at me while I’m pregnant) mi was going to go to the police but there isn’t a mark on me although my jaw feels very bruised where he pinned me down. I’m so angry one minute then the next minute I’m thinking maybe we could just get through Christmas together. Not that he would do that for me. So so hard and utterly embarrassing. 😢

OP posts:
Casander · 18/12/2019 15:24

He strangled you whilst you are pregnant? Please report him to the police OP before he kills you and the baby.

Interestedwoman · 18/12/2019 15:29

'no one is going to want a broken women with trust issues and 5 children.'

You feel like a broken woman with trust issues now because it's so immediate- that needn't be forever. And if someone likes you I don't think they'll really mind that you have kids. xxx

' I’m so angry one minute then the next minute I’m thinking maybe we could just get through Christmas together. '

Noooo, the bloke could easily have killed you, you're not safe with him. Please don't have him around.

richteasandcheese · 18/12/2019 16:41

He will murder you if you don't get away. Call the police, then call womans aid. Please OP, don't waste another second being heartbroken - save yourself and your kids

Krazynights34 · 18/12/2019 16:48

Strangulation is a major flag for murder. Please don’t let him hurt you again.
Call the police.
There doesn’t need to be marks, they will take you seriously.
Is he at home at the moment?

PlasticPatty · 18/12/2019 16:55

He ended up strangling me last night

I've been in that position. It was in the '80s. I told people. No-one gave a damn.

If I'd had mumsnet, or the internet at all, the fucker who did that would have served time.

Please phone the police, if you haven't already.

I was discussing this with my now-adult daughter. I reminded her how I'd been afraid she (at age three) would come downstairs and find her mama dead. She already knew how to dial 999 and give her address.

But she looked at me and said "Mum, if he'd killed you, he would have killed me, too." And that's probably true.

Please, please inform the police, now.

Palavah · 18/12/2019 16:58

Please call the police. Your children need you.
It doesn't matter if the marks aren't significant. Please take care of yourself and your children.

StormTreader · 18/12/2019 17:00

You don't have trust issues, you have a partner who can't be trusted.
You're not being paranoid he's cheating, he blatantly IS cheating.

TheReef · 18/12/2019 17:01

Call the police now! Doesn't matter if there is no mark

Kezmum14 · 18/12/2019 17:07

Thank you for all the replies. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being ridiculous. My head tells me not to be stupid, call the police and be done with him but my heart says I love him and I want things to work out but more so the children have a nice Christmas. In reality I’ve known this was over for awhile. He’s so cruel to me and makes me feel worthless, calls me names and lies to me. I hate that I’m doing this to myself.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 18/12/2019 17:13

Sorry but how will the dc have a nice Xmas without a dm?
It really happens op. Women get murdered.
Ring the police.
Before you are a statistic...

Menora · 18/12/2019 17:17

OP
I don’t know how else to put this.
You have invested a lot into the idea of Christmas as to why you can’t leave or report him

But if you are sacrificing your own actual human life for the sake of 1 Christmas Day, do you think that makes any sense?
Your family do not ever want to be identifying your body at any time of year. You are not responsible for everyone else’s Christmas over your own physical safety

Please get help and get somewhere safe ASAP

snoopy18 · 18/12/2019 17:19

You need to ring the police and remove yourself from him. He strangled you whilst pregnant!

Pregnant or no he is physically abusing you. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

There’s help out there please get it before he kills you and the baby.

granadagirl · 18/12/2019 17:26

It’s gonna be hard, yes
But You can’t have him treat you like this you deserve much better
He also had a thing in getting you pregnant, you didn’t do it alone

Tell him if he doesn’t go, you are phoning the police about last night

He’s lost respect for you and doesn’t care how much he hurts you or walk over you.

The kids don’t know any better, but you do
You don’t love him really it’s a fantasy you have in your head
Mummy & daddy at Christmas one big happy family.
It’s not
If one of your daughter’s told your her husband treated her like your husband does you, you would say leave him( well I hope you would)

StormTreader · 18/12/2019 17:51

"my heart says I love him and I want things to work but more so the children have a nice Christmas."

This is just so sad, you deserve all these things but you and your kids won't get them with this man, no matter how much you endure that he does to you and them.

PlasticPatty · 18/12/2019 18:15

If you are genuine, stop messing about and call the police. This man was strangling you to make you behave a certain way. He'll do it again.
There is no coming back from this, the relationship is over. Call the police.

Casander · 18/12/2019 18:16

Things aren't going to work out, that's the bottom line. This is a good as it gets and it'll only get worse.

A police officer said to me (I was actually trying to drop the charges after being strangled unconscious myself) what if next time he hits you, you're at the top of the stairs, or he's holding something sharp and sticks it in you. He doesn't even have to "plan" to kill you. He just will.

I don't post about it on here but I didn't drop the charges but I did go back. He seriously hurt my son when he was 3 months old. It was 14 years ago and I've got to live with that for the rest of my life.

Please leave him.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/12/2019 18:20

Christmas is one day in the grand scheme of things. The children will be fine. Staying with a violent man is NOT fine. You need to leave.

Kezmum14 · 18/12/2019 18:35

Thank you all. I suppose I am just hoping it was a one off but after speaking to a friend I am going to report him. My heart is still saying no but my head is saying I don’t want to live like this and I need to move on whether it’s Christmas or not. It’s just biting the bullet and getting it done then there is no turning back.

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 18/12/2019 18:50

Good. You do that. We are all here. Keep us informed.

Menora · 18/12/2019 19:56

OP I promise you that you will have all your life of amazing christmases once you are away from this man. He is dangerous
There is never a good time or a right time to leave a RS. But the right time has to be when you are not safe x