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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Awkward situation - What can I do?

20 replies

NewNu · 17/12/2019 20:45

I have name changed for this because I am paranoid that one of the people in question will recognise the situation then go back and see all of my posts!

DP has a female friend who he has known for about 15 years and who I get on very well with. I have a friend who I have been close to for around 5 years.

Around 6 months ago DP had a birthday party which both these women attended. They had met a few times before but only at big events like this so they are not friends. My friend's (now-ex) DP of 6 years wasn't there and she was talking about how they had been fighting and it wasn't working. DP's friend was joining in and quite strongly saying that she deserves better and that she shouldn't be afraid to end it. My friend and her DP split a few weeks later (not married, no DCs).

About 3 weeks ago I saw on facebook that DP's friend and my friend's ex are "in a relationship". My friend also saw this and is understandably upset.

My friend has also told me that I should cut DP's friend out as she is "a snake" and is probably "after my DP".

I am struggling with how to handle this. DP's friend has been a great friend to DP over the years and is now one to me too and has not done anything wrong - there is no evidence to suggest that there was any cheating involved and she is not friends with my friend. On the other hand, my friend is uncomfortable with us socializing with DP's friend and her ex as a couple which I understand.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:

ElloBrian · 17/12/2019 20:53

Ok this is quite confusing. From what you’re saying:
You (A) and your partner (B)
Partner’s female friend (C)
Your friend (D)
Your friend’s ex partner (E)

C and E get into relationship
D is upset and wants you to cut C out of social group

Question is what should your (A and B) position be.
Is that right?

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 17/12/2019 20:54

I'm a bit confused. There was no cheating but two single people have since got together. Whats the issue?

Original poster

NewNu · 17/12/2019 20:56

@ElloBrian that's right.

I know my friend is being a bit unreasonable but I think I'd be upset in her positon

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ChrisPrattsFace · 17/12/2019 20:58

So do you think your partners friend encouraged your friend to leave her husband - so she could jump in there?

Either way. They’re single and can do what they want. Just don’t let them ever be at the same party again to avoid confrontations.

ElloBrian · 17/12/2019 20:58

So D thinks C has incited E to leave her? Frankly it sounds like a shitshow that I would stay well away from. Offer support to friend but steer well clear of taking sides.

TooleyVanDooley · 17/12/2019 20:58

Your friend is being very silly, it’s actually got nothing to do with her anymore. I would just refuse to discuss it with her.

HostessAtCrimbo · 17/12/2019 20:59

How did they meet?
But anyway two single people get it off.... one of them vaguely knows the ex of the other one...no real story here

Original poster

NewNu · 17/12/2019 21:09

My friend was a lot more upset by the split than he was. After a month or so she asked for another chance and he said no.

@HostessAtCrimbo they met a few times at parties of ours but didn't seem to talk that much. I don't know how they ended up getting together.

I think refusing to discuss it is the way forward.

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Bluerussian · 17/12/2019 21:19

Oh my goodness, doesn't that just show the failings of social media.

Presumably your partner's friend and your friend's ex just met up one day and hit it off, there's no reason to think she was after him while he was still in a relationship. What has happened is quite normal but it's a pity they couldn't have been discreet for a bit longer.

I don't think the woman should be cut off by you and I'm sure your partner wouldn't want that. She hasn't done anything wrong. Just don't invite her and your friend around at the same time at least until your friend has got over it.

StinkyWizleteets · 17/12/2019 21:46

Something similar happened to me except it was my “friend” who ‘counselled’ me through a struggling relationship that probably would have survived the blip otherwise. I was very vulnerable due to a bad experience out with my relationship so not in a position to make huge life decisions. After I broke up with my ex we lived in the same House for 6 months more or less the same as before and she spent the entire time chasing him eventually going out with him. We were technically single but it still hurt at the time to be betrayed by someone who seemed to have my best interest at heart when all she was concerned about was herself.

I know these two women weren’t friends but I can see why your friend might feel betrayed, albeit wrongly, if you’re still friends with the other woman. Nobody really wins in this kind of situation and it’s a shit thing to do knowing fine well this situation rarely ends without at least one person being hurt.

TooleyVanDooley · 17/12/2019 23:00

How on earth has she done a “shit” thing? She’s got together with someone who’s last relationship ended a few months before. Nothing “shit” about that FFS.

Original poster

NewNu · 18/12/2019 00:04

I agree @TooleyVanDooley. But I can also see why she might feel replaced when we inevitably hang out with them as a couple.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewNu · 18/12/2019 00:06

@StinkyWizleteets I don't think this is like your situation. The two women were aquantances not friends.

OP posts:

heartyrebel · 18/12/2019 12:33

I wonder if your friend hit him up on Facebook

IndecentFeminist · 18/12/2019 12:36

It does sound quite snakey to be involved in those conversations, tell the woman she deserves better then quite quickly start going out with him herself.

That doesn't mean that you should do anything per se. Personally I would step back a little from the friendship with your partner's friend, but not necessarily discourage him from being friends with her obviously.

custardbear · 18/12/2019 12:48

Hhhmmm am I the only one who thinks perhaps they were seeing each other already and the new woman 'pushed' psychologically the other woman to dump her partner ?
Perhaps I'm reading too much into it

Kayleigh12 · 18/12/2019 12:55

@custardbear exactamundo! Ooh this is a tricky one, I’d tell them all to not involve me, it’s all their business! Leave me well out of it

Original poster

NewNu · 18/12/2019 16:06

I really don't think she was seeing him beforehand. She came out of her last relationship just over a year ago and has been having flings and dating.

As for the conversation, my friend was quite tipsy and wasn't painting her then partner in a good light. Most people would not have advised her to carry on with the relationship. He wasn't at at the party because they'd had a row.

Dps friend was saying that my friend deserved to be happy and shouldn't be afraid to end it rather than saying the guy was a shit if that makes sense. I don't think it was a premeditated thing.

I will probably see dps friend at some point over the Christmas period so I can find out how they got together then

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Menora · 18/12/2019 16:52

I think advertising this on FB when it’s a new split and you know the injured party, even as an acquaintance is crass and actually not very nice behaviour. It’s not the RS that would bother me but this part of it. It is really insensitive and I would question why this had to be done publicly and it’s probably humiliating for the ex.

Original poster

NewNu · 18/12/2019 18:54

That's a good point @menora
Dps friend is not spiteful so it would not have been intentional but it was a little bit insensitive I guess.

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