Afraid of relationships because

[Namechangenancyx]

A lot of men (not everyone) sext another woman, cheat, or leave you for someone else eventually ? Or just start getting lazy and take you for granted, stop making effort, suddenly lose interest/fall out of love or a combination of the above.
I know there are nice, faithul and honest men but nothing is guaranteed.

I've been cheated on, i've been left for someone else, i've been two-timed and lied to.

Your friends and family really try to help you and say "It's their loss ! They won't last ! He will regret it !"

Occasionally they do (not with me though).
But honestly, I feel like nobody really cares that they cheated or got with someone else. They don't really lose anything from it and don't care that they have lost you. All those who did that to me are still with the other women.

So i'm totally put off relationships and I keep men at arms length. I've wasted far, far too much of my life in a state of depression and anxiety and now on sedatives trying to get over people.
They say the best revenge is living well. I do try, I don't message them ever, they are blocked and deleted.

I know some men would never do this and there will be people out there who will tell me that they have been with men for decades who haven't done any of the above.

I'm sorry this post is so bitter and depressing, and it's very jaded for someone so young. But what's the point of having to keep going through it ?

I know it is my choice to let these men affect me. I honestly feel so bad when I look back at family holidays I spent miserable because a guy had done one of the above. So much wasted time.

Sadly I agree with alot of your post. These people who cheat seem to land on their feet and move on whilst the person they did it to struggles hugely in comparison as the damage runs deep.

I think the secret is to try and spot the signs early. And be ruthless in dropping them. You sound lovely. Please dont let the gits you've been unlucky enough to have been with ruin your chances of missing out

Thanks a lot. I have been very weak in the past and failed to spot the signs, which doesn't help.
I'm sure there are some people who do really regret their cheating/lying and whatever else but, I feel like there is now a bit of a "a lot of people do it, it happens, deal with it" mentality, they lose nothing at all from hurting you and go on to be happy, they mostly probably don't care that you're 'living your best life' after them.

I have been told many times i'm too nice.
Maybe I will reconsider a relationship in the future, i'm just too afraid to go through heartache again even if the guy seems really nice in the beginning.

I know somebody who cheated on her boyfriend and got with some other guy, and she essentially promoted it on social media. It said one day she was in a couple with one day, the very next day she changed it to another guy. Despite it being very obvious what she had done, it was full of 'likes' comments on how much of a great couple they are and so on. Just amazing.

You're talking about people with no empathy. And, talking from experience, people like that smell fresh meat. That sounds harsh, but it's been my experience. (I have been fresh meat more than once). The tough lesson i learned was that lots of people dont think like me. Are selfish and ruthless, or stupid lazy weak and selfish (i.e. malevolently selfish or selfish from weakness). I needed to wake up to this. And stop making excuses for them, or make excuses for them. Whatever their terrible childhood. Blah, blah. It's very powerful thing to walk away. It makes a statement that you are worth more. And empowers you. You also begin to attract a different type when you have more self esteem, i think. The ones who are worth it. I'm single, by the way. But have recently abruptly ended something that looked like bad news. I feel great. I like my own company. If something comes along, great. If not, am happy with myself. Oh, and i genuinely don't care what arseholes think about me. Why give them that power? My ladt harsh lesson learned. Words are cheap! Actions speak louder.

It's a worry the sheer number that have no empathy. And doesn't help that the relationships thread is so skewed due to the experiences of people posting. But the lack of good stories does influence.

Please dont bash your head against a brick wall expecting people without empathy to suddenly think like a decent person. They won't. It's like being upset with a dog for not being able to read. Cut them off and make new friends. You sound lovely.

People don't tend to post good stories!

Thank you 💐💐 I will remain strong. I surely attracted a certain type of person in the past because I came off as weak and gullible.
I just feel like there is only a certain amount of heartache one person can take. It's quite sad that many people can just cheat, lie and like I said, who cares ? They rarely lose from it. I'd like to stop feeling so bitter about the whole thing.

That's why I always follow the is there karma threads because I would hope the universe has a sense of justice but equally I know the best is when you live your best life (but the reality of doing that is so difficult when you've been treated like this). Sorry I know you are looking for positive but all I can do is empathise and agree with your post.

What I can say positively however is some people live there whole lives with people like this, daily. Least they are exes and not our present or future thankfully.

Sic99 you are spot on about not bashing your head in frustration for someone who doesn't have empathy. It's an inner void in them so the issue is them. I've screen shot that to remind myself of those words!

No words of advice just support and understanding. We sound very similar. I’m undergoing therapy at the moment and I’m learning a lot about myself and my dating style. From now on, if something ‘feels off’ it’s probably wrong and I need to get out! Xx

I totally hear you OP. Also, I don't think red flags are always easy to spot, or even there at the start, or for years.

My approach is to be so happy and self-sufficient alone that I'll never hesitate to walk away from a bad relationship.

I also learned the very hard way how actively/passively selfish men can be, even when you've given your life to them.

I do agree that a lot of people meet someone new and don’t appear to have any regrets. It can work out for them and they are seemingly happy.

On the other hand there are people who leave as they think the grass is greener but find it’s not and try to come crawling back (exh a year later.)

Thank you. I'd like to say i'm 'living my best life' but I am broke, on medication and just feel numb towards any man, and it tains most days 😂 but things will get better. I guess that's it, the only way is to be so happy alone that you know you will be absolutely fine without a man. I'm sure it will get there eventually.

Rains *

Focus on the things you can control - you can work on your budget and your mental health. Other people will do what they will do.

Blokes and relationships are not the be all and end all. Nice to have, sure, but while you're feeling this way you're more likely to attract twats than decent guys.

Thanks. 💐 You are right, i'm probably a twat magnet right now. I will work on myself and things will improve.

It's just so easy these days for people to be fickle and deceptive. That goes for women and men.

I'm sorry you've had such bad luck. I've been deceived and manipulated and yes it makes you think why the hell do I bother?

Concentrate on you and getting yourself better. I hope you meet the right one when you are in a better place

When you are feeling depressed and anxious, you often become vulnerable to people's bad behaviour because it seems to mirror your own negative view of yourself. So where if you were feeling happy in yourself, you'd spot a red flag and tell a guy to fuck off, you're more inclined to keep hanging in there because you think you're not worth more than that.

Once you work on your self esteem you will find it easier to meet decent people.

A lot of men (not everyone) sext another woman, cheat, or leave you for someone else eventually ? Or just start getting lazy and take you for granted, stop making effort, suddenly lose interest/fall out of love or a combination of the above.
I know there are nice, faithul and honest men but nothing is guaranteed

@Namechangenancyx Women also do all of the above, the "stopping making an effort, falling out of love" etc is so common on both sides in lots of relationships. My Ex-H was unfaithful, for many years before I found out. The best thing I ever did was work on myself. And boy did I work on myself. I went to therapy for many years and changed numerous things about my life. I was stuck in a rut myself and looking back many many years later (although many people are shocked when I say this) It was a wake up call that I needed. I am the same now but different. I have grown so much and I am proud of how far I have come. It sounds like you need to concentrate on yourself, find the things you are longing for inside yourself first before you find someone to be with.

That's why I always follow the is there karma threads because I would hope the universe has a sense of justice

@Ididit2019 Justice is many different things to many different people, at the risk of sounding incredibly condescending people need to be careful that their longing for justice doesn't turn into bitterness. The only thing bitterness hurts is themselves. Sometimes the best thing we can do is learn to let go (as difficult as it can be)

AnastasiaBeverleyHills: completely agree and it's the only way to have inner peace and live a happy life but it is a battle sometimes. Logically I completely get that and remind myself of that. Reality its a constant work in progress.

Thank you for the kind replies. I am very bitter inside which I know is not good, I go over things with my ex a lot in my head and I need to find ways to clear my mind and relax. But eventually I will be in a position where I will be so strong and content alone.