I'm thinking of leaving my husband

[SF1114]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet. Just needed to talk as I can't talk to my family and friends. I'm thinking of leaving my husband. Just wondering if any has any advice on what I need to do before I actually go through with it. We've been married 10 years and have 2 kids, 8 & 5. Currently renting so don't have to worry about selling the house but I know he won't leave so I'll have to find somewhere for me and my girls. Just looking for advice on what I need to get in place before I actually go through with it. Thanks in advance for any advice x

Get copies of whatever financial paperwork you can including bank accounts, savings, pensions, his pay slips and keep them at a friends or similar. Speak to an Estate Agent and see what you would be able to rent. Find out if you can leave your current tenancy earlier. Maybe get a calculation from CMS to see how much maintenance he will need to pay you. Most importantly tell someone you trust and get some support. Good luck x

Why are you leaving? Because you're unhappy or because there is abuse or...? The actions you need to take differ depending on context. You don't need to share loads of detail, just enough context for people to know which direction to take their advice in.

Divorced are like weddings, you need to plan ahead, make a list of what you need, work to start ticking things off that list and save, save enough to start your new life with the right foot. Once you are ready, you jump.

Bear in mind he may wish to push for 50:50 care of the children. If you have reason not to want that, it might be as well to consult a solicitor first, so you know what the realistic options are.

Thank you x

He's not abusive or anything he just likes spending more time in the pub rather than with us, spending money we haven't got. He also gets very flirty when he's had a drink and makes me look like t**t. I have looked into benefits and I know I'll be ok financially just scared of making the first step. Where will we live? How long will it take before I receive the financial support I need. Completely crapping myself and just want to make sure my babies have a roof over their heads before I can do anything. How do I do that 😫

Do you have any family you can stay with in the short term? Are you working? Universal Credit will take about 6 weeks to come through. You need to save as much money as you can.

I do have family and I know my mum will support me if needed. I'm really looking for someone's experience and how they found the strength to actually do it. What did you do, how did you plan, who did you contact for help??

Thanks Waxonwaxoff0 for the timeline of how long it will take. That really helps. I am lucky enough that my mum is financially ok and I'll pay her back when I'm sorted x

I left my ex husband amicably. I took my son and went to stay with my mum and signed on for benefits, I stayed there for 3 months and saved a deposit to rent a flat.

If you aren't working you will find it tricky to get a private rent as not many landlords will accept benefits nowadays. You can get on the council list but depending on your area I'm not sure how long it would take for you to get somewhere.

It doesn't sound like he will want 50/50 contact with the kids if he prefers the pub so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

I’m in similar situation. We’ve a house so a few extra issues but Am going to walk off with nothing and start again. My worries are around getting the courage to do it too xxx

I do have a job. A good one and I know they'll be so supportive. Trouble is my mum doesn't live locally so It's not possible to move in with her when I finally pluck up the courage to walk. I work round the corner from our rented house and the kids also go to school on the same street. I just know for a fact that he won't leave the house so I'm going to have to have accommodation in place before I even consider going. I will also have to start a fresh cause there's no way he'll make it easy and let me take furniture out the house. I'm so scared, don't even know where to begin 😞

Pennyandme, I completely understand. Where the hell do you start???x

When I did it I confused in a few select friends and family and they basically furnished the house I’d rented for me - gave me old stuff, happened to know an old lady moving into sheltered accommodation, got their husbands to come and put up curtain rails etc. It was amazing! But I was able to rent the place for two weeks before we moved in. I suppose some of it could have been done after. How old are your DC? You need to think about what you’re going to tell them. Probably best to get legal advice anyway. Cafcass (advisory service to the Family Courts) or Gingerbread (single parents charity) both have good advice about parenting agreements etc. In fact now I think about it, Gingerbread has financial and all sorts of other advice on single parenting too.

I confided* in a few select friends

Thanks IHateWashingUp2. My babies are 5 and 8. The 5 year old is all for me, doesn't have much time for Daddy but the 8 year old completely adores him. She's going to massively struggle with this. Feel physically sick just even discussing this but I know in my heart I can't put up with this life for another 10 years. He never used to be like this and I know he loves me but I've given him so many chances that I'm exhausted. He's done something recently that was my last straw but he hadn't got a clue. I'm putting on the best performance of my life until after Christmas then I'm gone. Just want the girls to have one more family Christmas before we're fighting over who has them. How the hell did it come to this?? And how the hell do I find the balls to carry it through 😞

I’m starting to get a plan together but I’ve got to wait until summer for money reasons.

Have you looked at houses yet?

Do you have own bank account? X

Just remember why you're doing it and that should give you the confidence. Two separate happy parents are much better than 2 miserable ones together. I grew up with parents who stayed together for the kids but hated each other and I don't have many happy family childhood memories. Just lots of memories of arguments, never going on holiday all together and parents avoiding each other

I completely agree. No child wants to grow up in an unhappy home.
You've all given me some amazing advice. I do have my own bank account, I do have my own income, I do know what benefits I'm entitled to. I'm in a very fortunate position which a lot of people aren't, so I'm extremely grateful for that. However, that still doesn't give me the balls to actually go through with it 😫. Confessed my plans to a friend tonight and she reckons I'm an idiot leaving him. She reckons I should make him leave. Why should I start a fresh, he can move out and start the fresh. It's my girls home and if he had an ounce of decency in him he should go. Can't see that happening myself but maybe it's worth a try 🤞

Hi, I left and all I will say is that this will take longer than you ever imagine. I used a mediator to help us make financial decisions and come up with a plan for children. It's far less costly and destructive than having lawyers tear your lives apart - but you both have to have a level of respect to make it work. I am glad that I was the one to leave the house as I have started completely afresh and he still (years down the line) lives in a house surrounded by my things. It's hard - but for me it was the only way to be true to myself - and the children have slowly adjusted to a new normal. Good luck!