Would this upset you or am I being over sensitive

[MIdgebabe]

Mostly looking forward to Christmas, but it does mean spending time with my sister.

Following an incident of blatant racism from her earlier this year, I have been reevaluating the relationship. I feel I have spent my whole life "being nice" because "you are the eldest". Or just for the peace of things. We are very different personalities if that matters ( although i get on well with a range of people normally) .

One of the things that upsets me over the years has been her habit of saying or laughing " you're being ridiculous" , when I express a feeling, or a desire to do something or an opinion.i always feel put down by this. Like she is calling me stupid which I know most people would say is unacceptable. Am I being over sensitive or am I right I thinking she is belittling me when she does this?

Just say, 'Well that's a bit rude. I'm just expressing an opinion.'

If you've never called her out on it before, it might work...

I'd be afraid of being told I was being over sensitive !

But I guess that I feel afraid to say it suggests I should, or it won't stop, and being family I can't always avoid her

It depends, I suppose. Maybe you are being ridiculous. If you’re very different people with different priorities and values, she very possibly thinks your views are ridiculous in the same way you feel the same way about hers and it’s unlikely either of you are going to change that stance.

You don’t need to be best friends for the Christmas period. Be cool but polite, ask polite questions, give polite answers, avoid talking about any inflammatory topics which tend to result in the “you’re being ridiculous” accusations. Busy yourself with other family members present. Don’t give her any leverage to start an argument, don’t say anything to spark one yourself.

But I can say something that seems reasonable to me

last year, I said I don't like turkey ( as it was being offered ) and get a howl of dismissive laughter. Cross examined about the fact of it's just me and DH I wouldnt cook turkey. Apparently unreasonable ...and no DH does not like turkey. I feel like I am bending over to be nice and uncontroversial, and she will be looking for opportunities to have a dig. Like being told my hair was too dark and she would not take my word that I hadn't dyed it.

That sounds really fucking tedious. How do the others respond? Do they just keep quiet to avoid making a scene and then blame you when you express an opinion?

Just say oh ffs, not this again.

What do you think would happen if you did the head tilt and tinkly laugh "Did you mean to be such a cunt so rude? I'm embarassed on your behalf TBH."

I am known for my confrontational ways, but it sounds like your sis doesn't shy away from confrontation...

Screw that. No more uncontroversial. She's going to kick off so you might as well make it sport. Feed it to her. Say you are going to get a tattoo of Tom Cruise or dye your hair white or become a professional xylophone player. Or play bingo. Guess what she'll claim to be ridiculous and when. Make a list of things she thinks are hilarious apparently. Tell others you are doing this. Every time she has a go, share an amused look with others.

You are indeed oversensitive in taking it so to heart. Desensitise by finding her to be a little bit bonkers and funny because she's so dumb. You don't have to say it out loud, just know in your head that she's a right daft cow and your whole demeanour will change.

No advice OP but I love your description of ‘a howl of dismissive laughter’
She sounds like hard work. Try not to react to her comments wherever possible. Sounds like she is trying to provoke you so she will be annoyed if you don’t rise to it.

She sounds like a right a**. Calling you stupid or ridiculous or sensitive is kinda abusive, really.

I actually hate turkey and any sweets. My family members do comment every single time, but it’s nothing to get upset over. Who the fu*k cares? Just hear their opinions and politely show that it doesn’t bother you. I’m sure there’s some jealousy or insecurity behind the negative comments.

It sounds like you're a people pleaser, which is a nice quality but does have this dark side where you end up feeling crap. What you put in your mouth and eat is literally nothing to do with your sister. If she holds racist beliefs can't you just fade her out and say you and dh are doing your own thing this Christmas, bye

YANBU, that's rude of her. Like the others say, when she does it I think you should reply that it's not ok. You might feel better in your self esteem if you said you don't deserve it.

You need to make the dynamic into her being upset/oversensitive instead of her finding things funny - because that's what it actually is!

'Ok we'll be wrong, that's fine, no need to get so upset'

'Wow I didn't think what we did mattered to you so much! Calm down'

'That's a lot of effort going into that hysterical laughter, is something upsetting you?'

'Ha here we go again! Ok what next, let me think, oh I know, I bought some new shoes - here - don't you just hate the colour? Horrible aren't they (laugh) hang on I'll think of something else for you to overreact about in a minute'

One of the things you can do as an adult is choose who you want to be around.

You can absolutely decide that this year you dont want to be around her. Just don’t go where she is.

You can choose to step out of the game and be a grown up woman not that sister that constantly takes ridicule.

It really is that simple

It all sounds a bit petty to me, you clearly don't really like each other and just tolerate each other. I'd maybe accept that, be pleasant, and try not to go looking for people to validate it's her not you.