Can relationship counselling actually help?

[Roselind88]

The end of my marriage is coming ever closer. Neither H or I seem to like each other anymore. I think we’re done. He’s suggested maybe counselling, but I don’t think a stranger would be able to help.

I feel most sad for our 2 lovely daughters. They’re sweet and kind and by splitting up the family, they’re going to be hurt. The eldest just started school, so would know if there’s a bad atmosphere or change to our living arrangements.

I blame myself for marrying H and deciding to have children together. I knew 15 years ago when we got married that there were some issues that meant we weren’t suited. Before she died (a few months before our wedding, my DM told me that she didn’t think H was right for me). He isn’t a horrible person, he’s bright and hardworking. He is a social extrovert, but an internal introvert, which means friends and family think he’s wonderful, but I get the moody and not so nice side of him. He’s always been a pessimist and I’ve always been an optimist, so I think my DM thought he brought me down.

I don’t have any parents now sadly and my sister lives in Australia. We’re very close in terms of being best friends, but can only actually see each other once a year at most. My only family comprises DDs. Without them I’m on my own.

Sorry, this isn’t supposed to be a pity party for one. It’s just I don’t see any way back from the current situation.

My H is moody and critical. He judges my weight and tells me when I shouldn’t eat something. He thinks I should lose the 2 stone I’m still carrying after DD2 was born 18 months ago. He told me that he doesn’t find me attractive, so I know that’s a fact. I’m tired, really really tired. I do nearly all of the night shifts, as the baby wakes up a couple of times a night still. My H will do the night shift, but he’s really grumpy the next day, so it’s always better for everyone if I do it instead.

I’m tired, I need to sleep. I can’t even think about looking better when I’m just getting through the days. When he told me last night that he doesn’t want to continue in this way and maybe counselling or a divorce is the answer, I just thought I don’t care. Maybe my life would be easier if I was a single parent.

I work 40 hours, full time and commute 2 hours a day. I rush home on the train every night to pick up our DDs from the childminder and take them home and put them to bed and then I cook and do laundry. And then I’ve got lots of admin like booking the cars in for servicing or ordering Xmas presents or booking swimming lessons or hiring someone to fix something in the house. It’s a never-ending list of chores.

If I lived apart from H, then I wouldn’t need to cook for him or do his laundry and I wouldn’t need to make small talk or listen to him. My heart breaks for my babies though. I know it would mean living apart from them sometimes and missing out on some of their birthdays and Christmases.

Goodness, just the idea of not sleeping in the same house as them cuts my heart in two.

The upside is that I have my own career, financially it would be ok, I spend a lot of my salary on childcare, but I could manage, I think. And I’d never have to see the inlaws again. MIL is an awful, truly awful, narcissistic, harridan.

So where does that leave me? An overweight, exhausted lump, who lives for my children.

How can a counsellor possibly help?

Thank you if you read all of that. I don’t even need an answer. I’m hiding in the toilets at work and trying not to cry all of my mascara off my face. I must be strong and I must carry on and I probably need to do some calculations in a spreadsheet about everything.

He doesn't sound a very nice person, to be honest. Going on about your weight after having a baby in this way is despicable. If he was saying 'Look, why don't I take the kids/do some night shifts so that you get a chance to go to look after yourself and get yourself back together' I might have more sympathy, but he sounds really selfish and mean. Was he always like this? I suppose what I am saying is, despite the difficult stuff, do you actually want to be with this man? Does he offer you anything worth having as a person or is he just unfortunately the person you landed up breeding with? I'm sorry about your DM dying by the way, it happened to me around when I got married and it's so heartbreaking

In terms of counselling, I went on my own to relationship counselling when I felt that my relationship was ending, and I helped me just to work through what had happened. In terms of saving it, well it depends - I think that deep down you have to answer the question 'was it ever right?'. it is also worth saying that most of us are overweight, exhausted lumps with an 18month year old, but it won't always be like this.

Relationship counselling is like any type of medical intervention: if you leave it too late, there will be a limited amount they can do. That doesn't mean it's hopeless, it just means it's less likely to work. But you might both still get some good out of it. For example, the feeling of peace and closure that comes from knowing you tried everything. Which seems a trifle pointless now maybe, but if in two years you're crying at the thought of him with someone else, or your kids being hurt by the split, you'll KNOW you tried everything.

The only cases where I would not recommend relationship counselling is where there is abuse. Emotional, physical, sexual, whatever. As the abuser will just twist the therapy process to further their own ends and use it as a stick to beat you with.

Tiredness affects people in different ways but it does affect people's mood a lot so you will be hampered from the kind of crisp, clear thinking you need. The first years of baby and toddlerhood are mega tiring and hard. But ideally you should be pulling together to carry the load so that you weather the storm together.

Never mind your lovely mum's opinion of him before she passed away, how do YOU feel about him? Do you still love him, like him? If he suddenly thought you were amazing and sexy and wanted to get up in the night with the baby, would that affect how you felt about him or are you done, and have you checked out of the relationship? Is it one sided with him losing interest or is it a two way thing?

If I lived apart from H, then I wouldn’t need to cook for him or do his laundry

You don't need to do it now. Why the hell are you acting like his personal maid? What are you getting out of that?

You both live in the house - therefore the household tasks are your equal responsibility. You both created your DC - therefore looking after their needs (including night waking) is your equal responsibility.

When he sulks after you ask him to do night waking and you then decide not to ask him again, you've absolutely played into his hands. He has now trained you now to not ask him for anything, for fear of his moods. FUCK THAT.

Get yourself divorced, he's a lazy twat. Plenty of men out there who don't take women for granted just because we've got vaginas.

I wouldn't bet on him keeping contact with the DC, (un?)fortunately.

He doesn't sound introverted, he sounds like this bloke.

At the moment your daughters are learning it's normal to be mistreated like this in a relationship. By putting an end to it you have a chance to do something about that before they end up in abusive relationships believing it's the best they can hope for.

Don't bother with counselling. DH probably suggested it to try and prove to you that he's right - you know - lose weight, so he will find you attractive again. If he truly loved and respected you, he would find you attractive and not be critical at all. If you lost weight, he would find something other stick to beat you with.

Dump him OP. Live your life with your beautiful children. He will be no loss.