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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it assumed or will he ask?

20 replies

rosetinted442 · 17/12/2019 11:59

Ladies I need some advice.

I've been seeing this guy for 4 months, after we met in a bar when I was out with friends. As soon as I saw him I knew I wanted to get to know him, he's gorgeous.

Fast forward four months and we're going from strength to strength. We've both stayed at each other's flats, met friends and work colleagues and they all love him! Saying he's making me happier than they've seen me when seeing someone.

The morning after a drunken night in the pub he works for, he confessed that he was in love with me and I do feel the same for him. The only problem is there hasn't been any definition to our relationship, will he ever define it or is it just implied that we're exclusively dating and he's my partner?

I've been in a situation like this where we never defined the relationship, and to some degree the not knowing is what drove us apart and my heart broke.

I don't want to ask him in case it's implied that we are and it upsets him. But I just need that bit of clarity and reassurance, what shall I do?

OP posts:

LouisaJenny · 17/12/2019 12:03

I’ve seen threads like this before where people think it’s weird to want clarity but I totally get it.

My last partner asked me I wanted to be his girlfriend after about 6 weeks of dating. We then considered that day our anniversary.

I’d say four months in it’s pretty clear it’s exclusive, but I’d also want to know.

If I were you I’d just ask him outright if he considers you his girlfriend?

ohwheniknow · 17/12/2019 12:14

You just have to talk about it.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 12:15

You're just going to have to ask him. We can't guess as we dont know him.

Pollaidh · 17/12/2019 12:19

You need to ask him, and if you feel you can't or he reacts badly, then the relationship isn't as good as you thought and it's better to know now.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for clarity. Just ask him how you should introduce him to people perhaps, or say "I said 'boyfriend' the other day when talking about you, but then it occurred to me I hadn't actually checked with you..." then you can go on to check about exclusivity.

LemonTT · 17/12/2019 12:22

Well you need to acknowledge his declaration. Return the sentiment, if that’s how you feel. At that point you can say what being in love means to you, that it is taking the next step to commitment. Which would be ? - - exclusive dating

“boyfriend and girlfriend” or,
partner.

If you don’t love him, maybe you need to continue as you are. I think if you don’t trust him enough for this type of conversation you aren’t ready.

Personally I think it would be ridiculous to say partner after 4 months. You are not at that stage.

Sunshineandflipflops · 17/12/2019 12:27

I have also been with someone for 4 months and he asked me to be his girlfriend after about 4 weeks. It sounds ridiculous as I am 41 with two kids but I think we both wanted that clarification too, especially as we met on line and quite often people have different attitudes to exclusivity in the OLD world.

He is my boyfriend and I refer to him as that (or just by his name of course!)

confuseddotcom4 · 17/12/2019 12:27

He may be planning to ask as we speak.
Has he given any hints to potential plans?

user1480880826 · 17/12/2019 12:29

Why does he have to define it? Why can’t you define it?

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/12/2019 12:30

Agree with Pollaidh and LemonTT. No need to make a big thing of it. Just clarify whether, since you’ve told each other you love each other, does that mean you can think of and refer to him as your boyfriend to other people and does it mean the same to him as to you i.e. not seeing others, looking towards something long term etc.

Also agree that partner is a word you use when you’re, well: a partnership. Living together, entwined lives, some kind of sharing of finances and belongings, the understanding that you’ve got each other’s backs in a long term sense. Partnership isn’t particularly about the length of time - I’ve been with my boyfriend three years and still call him a boyfriend because we don’t actually share any aspect of our lives beyond time together.

MommaJP · 17/12/2019 12:40

Just talk to him just be gentle how you word it, if he cares he'll want to reassure your worry's

Musti · 17/12/2019 13:42

I've never officially confirmed with any of my exes that we were in a relationship...it was just assumed. I would definitely presume that you were a couple after 4 months and would find it weird if it needed confirming.

Original poster

rosetinted442 · 17/12/2019 14:23

Sorry partner was the wrong word to use!

@confuseddotcom4 he has spoken about it, saying that 'this is is going to become official soon' a couple of weeks back but still nothing has happened.

AIBU and should I just wait it out for a bit longer?

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 17/12/2019 14:27

Why are you waiting for him to decide? Why are you not asking and having the discussion?

LemonTT · 19/12/2019 07:41

I would love to know who made up these 10 stages of a relationship that mean someone can play “we weren’t official” card if they do something wrong. I mean ok, OLD means people are seeing a few people at a time, at the start. But if you meet the right person you know it within weeks if not sooner. That’s infatuation and it is designed to make think about no one else and nothing else.

That he even said, after 4 months, “this will be official soon” would be enough to make me walk. That is not how falling in love works. I would accept someone managing boundaries to protect them self and their children. But that comment isn’t about him having a boundary. It’s about him having control.

If you had the start of something solid you would be talking about love and you would be making the decisions about you both together. Don’t give him control whilst you languish in doubt and anxiety. That’s a fairly shabby game he is playing and doesn’t bode well for the future.

Pick someone who behaves the way you want them to. Don’t pick someone you hope will change. It’s not just about love. You will fall in love again.

SmileyClare · 19/12/2019 07:55

Would love to know who made up theses 10 stages of a relationship yes quite

Maybe I'm old but surely if you're shagging on a regular basis and saying I love you it's an official relationship? Why on earth can't you just ask anyway? If you can get naked with him then you should be able to expose some feelings and show some vulnerability too?

I'm out of touch but what does it mean by not announcing you're official? Does it mean he can secretly date and shag other women? If so what the fuck? Just ask him whether he is or not and tell him you're not interested if he wants to date other people. You need to value yourself and not put up with all this fuckwittage.

peachypetite · 19/12/2019 08:02

Just ask him.

2020BetterBeBetter · 19/12/2019 08:10

he has spoken about it, saying that 'this is is going to become official soon' a couple of weeks back but still nothing has happened.

Before I read this I would have assumed you were exclusively dating but now clearly not. If you really can’t bring yourself to ask him, get one of your friends to introduce themselves to him and ask him if he is rosetinted’s boyfriend to see what he says.

Divebar · 19/12/2019 08:15

This makes no sense to me. If going out for 4 months and saying I Love you isn’t indication enough then what is? I guess if I was feeling doubtful I might jokingly say “ does this mean you’ve binned the rest of your harem?” Or words to that effect. But if he’s telling you he loves you but them implying you’re not “ official” ( whatever that is) then he’s sending awfully mixed messages.

Dontunderestimateme · 19/12/2019 08:18

I can't see why he would be upset if you spoke to him about it. You need to be able to communicate with each other if it is going to be a relationship that works.

ShatnersWig · 19/12/2019 08:22

We're not all ladies
Just ask him! Seriously, if you can't discuss something like this how on earth will you discuss the really big stuff going forward?

Flip

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