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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s just not that into me... is he?

24 replies

XXXXXX42 · 17/12/2019 07:48

New guy, been seeing each other 6 months. He has a busy life that has just got busier since we started seeing each other. He comes over for dinner on a Wednesday & Friday when my daughter is out. We could spend quality time together EOW when DD is with her Dad but have actually only ever done this twice and then for a very short period of time (half a day or so).

We were supposed to be spending time together this weekend as DD is away and we will both be busy next week. I asked him if he had any idea what he wanted to do and he said maybe we could take a trip out and grab a takeaway Fri or Sat evening. This really isn’t the sort of spending quality time I had in mind and I let him know I was a bit disappointed and had hoped to go out for Xmas drinks and spend the day together. I’ve got no reply.

We are both not short of money and in our 40s. It shouldn’t be this hard should it? He really just isn’t that bothered is he?

OP posts:

StealthPussy · 17/12/2019 07:53

Yes. He is either not wanting the same kind of relationship as you or he’s married.
If he doesn’t reply then leave him to it. You deserve better.

EssentialHummus · 17/12/2019 07:55

I'm not sure. He suggested a "trip out" - where? To do what? What happens if you say "How about drinks at x bar, and then maybe a visit to y?" I'm not sure I'm getting "not bothered" from what you've written exactly.

LemonTT · 17/12/2019 07:56

I’m not sure what your issue is with his behaviour. From what I can see because of your responsibilities as a parent your time is limited.

You are spending some time together this weekend and he has suggested some plans. What is it about his plans you don’t like? Is it that he hasn’t planned to be with you long enough? Or is it the plans, a night in, that you think show lack of commitment.

Personally I would have preferred his suggestion. If I wanted to go out for drinks, just before Christmas, I would do it with friends not a date.
Sounds like you are not into him.

knewyouwerewaiting · 17/12/2019 07:57

Not sure there is a big difference between a trip out and a takeaway and Christmas drinks. Just suggest something and see if he is up for it.

Startingoveragain1 · 17/12/2019 07:58

Yes... he doesnt seem that intereted tbh. The fact he didnt even reply to your text is not great either. Either he is not that interested or you both are looking for different things and youre not very compatible. 6 months into dating you should be crazy about spending time together...

KatherineJaneway · 17/12/2019 08:00

I think if he liked you enough, he'd try and spend a bit more more weekend time with you tbh.

Any thoughts on what he meant by at 'trip out'?

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/12/2019 08:02

Do you ever go out or does he just come for dinner or takeaways?

Original poster

XXXXXX42 · 17/12/2019 08:33

He wanted to take his new car for a drive and grab a bag of chips. On it’s own not an issue but I guess I was hoping for a day out. We saw each other for a few hours last Friday evening, same the weekend before. Perhaps it is just me. I was hoping to do something vaguely xmassy or romantic. He’s known for ages that this was a free weekend. He says his anxiety plays up when he is pushed to make plans but this always leaves me hanging.

Whatever the reason this just doesn’t work for me so I guess he’ll have to go. Bummer, I like him and if I asked for a favour he’d be there at the drop of a hat. It’s just the social aspect where I don’t feel like a priority. He can plan to go to his works Xmas party ok!!

Never mind, plenty more fish in the sea!

OP posts:

Raindrops17 · 17/12/2019 08:38

Do you ever go to public places together at all? Or does he only ever want to come to your house? Have you met and of his friends? This is sounding more like he has someone else.

Iamthewombat · 17/12/2019 08:43

He says his anxiety plays up when he is pushed to make plans

This tells you all you need to know. He’s already trailing ‘anxiety’ as a cover for “I’ll just be doing exactly what I want, and you have to deal with it”.

In answer to your question: truthfully, no, I don’t think he’s that into you. Move on. You can do better.

Original poster

XXXXXX42 · 17/12/2019 08:49

There’s no one else but no I’m not a part of his normal life at all. We’ve never been out for dinner but I’ve been to his place and met the neighbors. We live in a small place, the jungle drums would have told me if there was another woman.

We’ve done one afternoon trip to the beach, one to a local waterfall and one afternoon watching a movie... in 6 months.

God, it sounds worse and worse! What am I doing!

OP posts:

Supersimkin2 · 17/12/2019 09:06

oh FFS re the anxiety faking. OP, treating people like crap is not a symptom of illness, psychiatric or physical. You're well out of this one lovey. You sound lovely, by the way.

If it helps, I binned a bloke like this after he demanded a terribly expensive Xmas present and returned the favour with a snack size of Roses from the all-night shop downstairs. Worse, he then refused to buy me a hot chocolate in a cafe (I didn't have my bag and we were freezing). Worst, I had to put off the dumping because I knew he'd make such a fuss and ruin Xmas.

If I were you I would have a fun time at Xmas and look around for someone nicer. It won't be that hard.

StealthPussy · 17/12/2019 10:07

Yeah I agree with you that it is time for him to go. It sounds like he just wants to do what he wants to do. Doing odd jobs for sex isn’t a relationship. And the ‘anxiety, don’t push me’ thing is a red flag. That’s him saying you are not entitled to have what you need but he is. Not great at any stage.
You only get one life. Expect more for yourself.

Dacquoise · 17/12/2019 10:11

I think the anxiety thing is a bit of a worry to be honest. Sounds like he needs to keep you at arms length. People who want to spend time together, do. You will probably end up chasing him for his time which is not good for your self-esteem. You deserve better.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2019 10:14

You are seriously wasting your time with this man. I would end it now and start the new year on a new path.

NameChangeNugget · 17/12/2019 10:16

He really can’t be arsed.

Cut your losses. You’re worth so much mire

NameChangeNugget · 17/12/2019 10:16

TryTry123 · 17/12/2019 10:16

This is a horrid question, but is he just coming over to yours for sex? Going out for a bag of chips in his car, what the actual f*ck? You should be wining and dinning in the Christmas lights.

Original poster

XXXXXX42 · 17/12/2019 10:29

Message heard oh gurus of Mumsnet!

If I hear back from him I will let him know it’s over. If I don’t I won’t sweat it. I’ll make plans with family for the weekend.

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 17/12/2019 10:33

Bin him. He obviously can't be arsed to be in a proper dating relationship - a drive in his car and a bag of chips like you're a small child ffs

dontgobaconmyheart · 17/12/2019 10:52

Good for you OP, this really doesnt sound like a goer (at all, he sounds like hard work and a manchild) and I think it will be a lucky escape for you

TryTry123 · 17/12/2019 11:00

Good for you, go out and do something nice for yourself!

Divebar · 17/12/2019 11:05

What? A drive in his car and a bag of chips? Holy crap he sounds 18. Now if it was summer and you were driving to a nice beach and having a picnic or fish n chips I could find that appealing but to just drive around aimlessly the weekend before Christmas? No. Just no

Pilot12 · 17/12/2019 11:15

He wants to stay in and have a takeaway so you can easily have sex afterwards. A drive in the car and a bag of chips will be followed with a quick shag in the car and then returning home. He doesn't want a relationship, just sex with little effort put in by him. You deserve better.

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