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Relationships

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Should I make a decision or get to know them more first?

35 replies

RedVioletXo · 16/12/2019 22:13

Hi so basically I'm looking to get into a committed settled down relationship soon. I'm in my late 20's and done with shitty half assed relationships and I want to move on with my life and find someone who is right for me. I've been getting close to a couple of guys and there's also another couple of guys I like but need to get to know them and hang out with them to see if we will get along in that way or not. The first 2 guys could potentially turn into a relationship really soon but still getting to really know them but really close with both of them. Closer to the first one but getting to that point with the second one. The third and fourth ones I've recently met and talked to a few times. They seem lovely but like I said before havent really spent loads of time with them to get to know them but it's mainly just physical attraction but I think the fourth one has a thing for me. Not really sure about the third one. I'll write a bit about each of them in this post (no personal info lol) so you can get a better idea of what they are like and how they get on with me and so you can help me get a better idea of which one I should go for.

Guy No1
I'm closest to him. Have known him for years. Got really close with him in recent months but started kinda seeing each other (just getting to know each other in that way before we decide if we are right for each other and if we should get together or not). He's really been an amazing support through a shitty relationship I was in this year (long story) but I didn't start to take it further with him until I split with ex. We've been intimate a few times but not all the way. We get along really well and could talk about anything and everything for hours. Time flies when I'm with him. I can be myself around him. We obviously have talked about being together and we find each other attractive. We meet up on average a few times a week and go places. We actually act like a proper couple e.g. hold hands in public. He's very supportive. I find him attractive although not my usual type. The things that make me a bit iffy about him is the timeline he wants to start a relationship at. He's 6 years younger which doesn't bother me as we are both adults but I'm looking to settle down quite quickly whereas he wants to settle in a few years time. I've wasted enough time on exes that didn't work out and I don't want to waste more time. Another thing is he can be quite negative about life in general often. Some of his moods have brought me down a bit. Once we were out somewhere. He picked me up and he was in such a pissy mood he barely talked to me for a good hour and would make remarks on silly stuff passers by would say in conversations to others etc it didn't help I was in a pissy mood that day either but it made it 10 times worse but thankfully we both cheered up but it ruined a nice evening. Another thing is recently I haven't been seeing much of him but still talking and messaging. He has been sick with flu etc but I'm seeing him tomorrow.

Guy No2
He's such a lovely kind hearted genuine religious guy. His kindness literally shines out of him. He's that type of person. I've known him properly for nearly a year but known of him for a good few years and he's known of me for a good few years too (Facebook friends). I met him properly at church randomly one night and I've started going back for a bit of guidance last month and really enjoying it. We've been getting closer. We've been meeting up for coffee etc pretty much doing the same things as with guy No1 but we haven't kissed or did anything along those lines apart from really long hugs. He's a very touchy feely person and I've noticed that the past couple of weeks. He'd randomly play with my hair or tickle me etc. I've felt the chemistry between us even though he's not my usual type I find him attractive and you can end up with someone who may not be your usual type but could be right for you. We can talk for hours and I can be myself around him but I'm usually on a better behaved form. Don't really swear around him for example but I don't swear loads normally. He's religious and he's stated that he wants to wait until marriage before he does the deed which I respect and it's also a good sign he isn't looking for one thing. The things I'm a bit iffy about is the timelines I'm not sure if he would want to settle down on the same timeline as me. If he's the one i'd like us to get married within the next couple of years as I feel ready to settle down now and I don't want to waste time. He's the same age as me so he could end up being on the same page. I would need to get to know him more before we decide to go in that way.

Guy No3
He's definitely my type. I met him quite recently. He's very lovely, chatty and outgoing. He's a few years older than me with his own place which is good. I need to get to know him more. I've asked him if he would like to go for a coffee and he said he would like that but there's been no arrangements for that. I'm hoping there will be as I want to get to know him but sometimes I feel I'm not good enough for him. When we talk we really hold a conversation and he seems to have a flirty smile about him and a twinkle in his eyes.

Guy No4

He's also my usual type. Ive met him a few times. When I'm at church he always finds an excuse to come over to me to hug me and chat away to me. He has a flirty nature about him when he talks to me and I've caught him looking over at me on a few occasions. He's a few years older than me. I want to arrange a coffee date with him to get to know him. The thing is he is divorced with a pre teen child which doesn't really bother me but I've had no experience dating anyone with kids and it'll be a whole new experience but wants meant to be will be and if it's meant to work out with him then it will but I don't want to get hurt if that makes since as some single dada aren't on good terms with their baby momas and there could be a lot of drama and like I said I'm not wasting anymore time.

What do you think. Should I take up an opportunity of a relationship with either guy No1 or 2 if one arises soon or should I wait to get to know guy No3 or 4? Thanks and sorry it's long lol

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 16/12/2019 22:19

Have you considered registering with a Christian OLD site/app?

RedVioletXo · 16/12/2019 22:22

I've thought about it but I might consider doing that. I'm more of a meet someone in person type of person but at least Christian dating sites are an option

OP posts:
Lsquiggles · 16/12/2019 22:26

Hmm do all these guys know about each other? It appears to me you're more focused on settling down than who you'll actually be settling down with.

MikeUniformMike · 16/12/2019 22:28

Quite. It reads like you have a job vacancy.

Thetellyisjelly · 16/12/2019 22:29

Here’s the thing
When you meet ‘the one’
All the other guys will magically cease to exist, in your romantic mind at least.
Then you’ll know!

RedVioletXo · 16/12/2019 22:30

The last 3 know each other but I'm not technically seeing any of them but guy No1 I'm really just hanging out with guy No2 to get to know him but have started to develop feelings for him. I see guy no 3 and 4 at church and at church groups but never hung out with them alone

OP posts:
Thetellyisjelly · 16/12/2019 22:34

Your church sounds like the randiest place ever.
Is it just you that treats it as a pulling parlour or is everyone there on the same flirtatious vibration?

RedVioletXo · 16/12/2019 22:36

Lol it kinda does 😂😂😂 mainly just tired of crappy guys and not wasting any more of my life on them. I'm one of those people who are better in company but not needy if that makes since. I've got plenty of family and friends around and I keep myself busy with day to day stuff but would love to settle down but not settling for the wrong person.

OP posts:
Stayawayfromitsmouth · 16/12/2019 22:37

Spoilt for choice.
Perhaps you should set up a series of tests or a challenge to find the one most worthy?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/12/2019 22:37

Don't pick someone like this. Honestly.

When you meet the right guy, there won't be a choice to make. He'll tick all the boxes.

I marry mine next year. I am SO GLAD that I didn't try to force it with anyone else, or even just let things carry on to settle down. It'd have been with the wrong person.

Thetellyisjelly · 16/12/2019 22:38

Also men can be quite fickle.
Often if you give them hours and hours of your time for special chats they start giving off the sexual vibe. Not because you’re amazing , just because they have a girlfriend shaped hole in their life and you’re female , you’ll fit.
Try playing it cool if you want a decent guy.

RedVioletXo · 16/12/2019 22:38

Hahaha it's not just me. A lot of other youth people joined the church to meet singles too lol. Ive heard others talk about it lol.

OP posts:
RedVioletXo · 16/12/2019 22:44

Yeah I see what you mean. I'll know when I meet the right person

OP posts:
FluffyEarMuffs · 16/12/2019 22:46

Are you sure you're in your late 20s?

And if people are joining your church just to meet life partners. Run.

RedVioletXo · 16/12/2019 22:48

Haha yep. Oh here I should. Need to get creative with this lol

OP posts:
Thetellyisjelly · 16/12/2019 22:50

what church is this?

RedVioletXo · 16/12/2019 22:50

That's great I'm glad you're with the right person and happy. I see your point as the right person shouldn't have any red flags and I will know when I meet him there will be no doubts and I don't want to waste time with the wrong person

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 16/12/2019 22:51

You absolutely must spend time with them and get to know them properly. You mustn’t commit to spending your life with someone you hardly know. It could be great, it could be utterly miserable.

I think you may be going off number 1.

Number 2 needs to stop touching you while claiming he won’t have a physical relationship with you before marriage. Bit of a red flag IMO.

Number 3 may not be interested.

I’d definitely go on some dates with number 4 and see whether anything develops.

You’re still young. Don’t panic. Take your time. Choose right. Be sure.

RedVioletXo · 16/12/2019 23:02

Thanks so much for your reply. I find that very helpful.

Guy No1 I'm kinda going off a bit as I'm noticing not the same amount of effort is coming through as before and something tells me maybe to just be friends with him. He's generally a lovely guy but there's a lot of pros and cons about him but more pros.

I see your point on guy No2 but he doesn't seem like the type to use girls. He's really lovely but still I'll need to get to know him more.

Yeah I'm not really sure if guy No3 is interested or not. He might be but if he isn't that's fine as there's always someone out there for everyone.

Yes I think I'll defo really get to know guy No4 as he defo seems more interested in me than guy No3 and I think it could go somewhere

Thanks again. I'm not gonna rush into anything until I know it's right x

OP posts:
JustASmallTownCurl · 16/12/2019 23:15

Agree with PP you sound so hung up on the end goal of settling down that you aren't focusing on actually getting to know people in a natural and organic way.

It sounds like you're a casting director considering four people for the role of "life partner" but it takes time to get to know someone enough to be even close to knowing whether they're a good match for you in the long term.

I say this with love - chill out!

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/12/2019 23:26

Your church sounds like the randiest place ever

😂😂

MikeUniformMike · 17/12/2019 09:02

Do you meet them as a special Singles Service? Is my mistake to go to the Family Service?

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 09:12

Gosh, do the men get a say? It sounds like you think you just need to pick one then marry them.

RedVioletXo · 17/12/2019 23:14

No lol I met guy No1 at a nightclub event 2 years ago. My best friend introduced me to him.

I knew of guy No2 for years we were Facebook friends but met him properly a year ago at a church event.

I basically met guy No3 and 4 last month at church and they are part of the young adults club so I chat to them there. Guy No3 goes to young adults not so much guy No4

OP posts:
RedVioletXo · 17/12/2019 23:34

Hey so I'd thought I'd do a bit of an update on the whole guy thing lol it's mainly about guy No1 and No2 lol so here goes

With guy No1 I think things are drifting apart. I met up with him for lunch today. The first time in over 2 weeks. Previously to that I was seeing him at least twice a week but usually it was 3 or 4 times a week so was very unusual to go that long without seeing each other. I mainly didn't get to see him as he was sick with the flu. He picked me up in his car as per usual and I could tell as soon as I got in how frosty he was. It was the same as the time at a Christmas event we went to that ruined it. He wouldn't really answer or speak to me until we went to the place for lunch. We were talking and getting on ok but it was more like the times before we got really close. There was not a lot of touchy feeliness as we've been doing recently. We didn't kiss either and several times before that we would've kissed at least a few times. We did hug twice but they weren't very long. Even though I'm a bit disappointed that it's drifted it's maybe for the best as we are at different stages in life and want different things but the good thing is we didn't fall out. Maybe I should just let it naturally fizzle out with him. If it's meant to be then it will be. Also we went for a bit of a drive after lunch but he didn't seem too keen to spend loads of time with me and kinda looked like he wanted to be elsewhere at the end.

Guy No2 on the other hand I've been getting really close with. Met up with him today too (not at the same time as guy No1 lol). He picked me up later on today. We went for a coffee. 4 hours passed like half an hour. We were chatting away about anything and everything. We cuddled a few times too. He was playing with my hair and fiddling with my hands etc. The chemistry was stronger than ever between us today. It keeps getting stronger everytime we meet up. I feel myself falling for him but at the same time I want to enjoy spending time with him and getting to know him a bit more before getting into a relationship with me. I would say we are getting as close as what I was with guy No1

What do yous think?

OP posts:
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