DH can't discuss feelings and emotions

[GoodbyeToCare]

My DH and I are going through a bit of a rocky patch just now and we can’t really resolve anything because he can’t talk about feelings or emotions. I feel frustrated and desperately want him to open up.

A few months ago I caught him having some ‘alone time’ and using porn (I saw him through our bedroom window.) This hurt me greatly as our sex life has suffered over the last year and here he was getting his kicks to porn. He hasn’t been able to talk about it and just texted me his apologies and how ‘he didn’t know what he was thinking.’ He did tell me (via text) that he thinks he has performance anxiety and feels anxious and stressed when we DTD.

Since then we’ve hobbled on but now his performance anxiety has become worse and there’s some ED too. He often has to wank over me which makes me feel awful and like there’s not much point in my being there really. Now I’m wondering if he has a porn addiction and has the grip of death thing going on. Again he can’t talk about this stuff.

We could possibly have the conversation via text but that seems so stupid. Why can’t he talk to me? He says he finds it really difficult to open up. It's all utterly ridiculous and I don't know how to get him to speak.

Sounds like classic porn addiction to me- death grip and now only being able to be stimulated by visual images.
Ugh- I don't have an issue with porn (as long as its not violent/abusive obv) but this seems to happen to SOOO many men that I'm starting to change my mind about it and think its unhealthy and is ruining people's sex lives.
You need to sit him down at a time when you both have a relaxed moment and tell him all of this. 1. you know he is using it.

1. His performance anxiety is being caused by 1, because now its difficult for him to get aroused in the "usual" way
2. Him wanking over you is not enjoyable for you and it makes you feel like a sex doll, not a human being that he supposedly loves
3. He needs to lay off the porn and be a more attentive and less selfish lover

If he's not willing to at least try this then yeah, I would be re-thinking this relationship. Treating your partner like that during sex is just horrible and it will drive a wedge between you eventually.

If he can't talk to you openly then it'll never work

You knew he was like this before you got married, surely? Did you think he would change?

Ah. The pre-marriage crystal ball so often spoken of. Where do you get them? I've not seen them in Aldi.

I don't think this is really about the porn, it's about the lack of communication. My dh is same, I felt so alone and the lack of communication made me resentful and very sad. We plodded on as long as I could manage. Towards the end we stopped talking at all as I just couldn't be bothered making the effort.
He's a good man, and I'm sure your DH is too but it drives a wedge between you sooner or later.
Would he go to counseling do you think?

@Jog22

Sorry for disappearing. I posted and then realised how farcical this whole situation is so confronted him. He admitted to a porn addiction which is a deal breaker for me - which he was more than aware of. I am utterly devastated.

I think I might use this thread as a diary of sorts. Doesn't matter if no one replies but I need to sort my thoughts out.

As in my last post I confronted DH about him not talking and what was happening to us and he admitted to a porn addiction. He then completely broke down.

He took himself off to the GP and came back with quite high dose ADs and a referral to talking therapies although the waiting list is massive. He's also to complete some online CBT. He's apologised to me for his behaviour but still hasn't spoken to me about anything.

I have reached my line in the sand but I'm standing with my toes against it and don't know what to do next. Firstly he needs to know how at risk our marriage is. I don't think I can go on, the trust is broken, I can't imagine ever sharing a bed with him again. Yet, I love him dearly and we have children to consider.

For now he's on the sofa and there he will stay until I decide what happens next. We will talk tomorrow whether he likes it or not, he has to know that I deserve better and if he wants us to work on things just how big an ask that is.

I feel like a fool and as though I have been living with a stranger. All he's mentioned so far is that the Doctor said his 'stupid decisions' were related to his anxiety and depression.

I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do next.

Sorry OP but it's over

I'm so sorry OP.
You sound very sensible. It is completely understandable that you would want some distance from him.

I am trying to find the energy to get up and get on. Today is going to be horrendous but hopefully by the end of it I'll have a better idea of what has been going on and how long for.

I feel numb, not angry (although I do feel upset and have cried a lot) and I can't believe this is happening. We have to get through Christmas which is going to be extremely tough. I'm going to talk to my Mum today because I need some outside support.

What the hell has happened to my marriage?

I would suggest the porn started a while ago.
It's been impacting on your sex life for well over a year so I'd suggest he's been addicted for a few years.
Saw it all with my ExP!
If he wants to even try to save the marriage then he needs to know that he HAS to discuss this with you for anything to move forward.

You don't have to do anything next!
Take your time in coming to terms with this.
Get through Christmas and New Year.
Then take your time in thinking about what comes next, depending on what your DH is prepared to discuss and open up about.

If he's not abusive and he hasn't cheated then you can take your time!
Do what is right for you.
For now though, just get through each day and fake it 'til you make it!

There's an app called Fortify - get him to download it and see if it will help.

My ex was a porn addict, refused to open up about it. I left in the end but I really didn't want to - we had just had our first (and only) baby together. But it broke me. I'd suffered nearly 2 years of crap sex and him having no money, and then I discovered his addiction and the mofo wouldn't do anything to help himself!

It's been a year since we've split and I highly doubt he's resolved his issues, which is a shame. I would've stood by him if he had shown even the tiniest bit of determination to help himself.

Don't throw it all away without exhausting all avenues. He needs help.

The only thing that gets me through my own heartache of losing the man I love - and my family unit - to porn is that his new gf (I think they're no longer an item - no doubt porn/woman related) is that she will have to go through the same disappointment that I had to endure.

Thank you for the replies, they are helping.

Today was not at all what I expected. We didn't get to talk because I ended up having to phone an ambulance after DH collapsed at home. He wasn't conscious for about 20 minutes and it was pretty horrendous. Doctors unsure of why but he was discharged after a few hours of observation.

I remain horribly conflicted. I love him, I was worried sick this morning but I can't bear the thought of him touching me. Like a PP said though, I have time. No decisions need to be made right here and now. Turns out my line in the sand is harder to cross than I thought it would be.

Hi OP

Here is my view for what it's worth. Most / a lot of men use porn. It is so accessible now. You might find it hard to find another relationship where it doesn't feature at all.

I think the next step depends on his reactions. Some people don't like talking about their feelings. I don't think they can particularly help feeling like this, though it obviously makes a relationship harder. But it strikes me that for someone who isn't comfortable with it, that he has already taken a fairly difficult first step in going to the doctors and admitting things to them, and agreeing to therapy etc. Lots of people who hate talking about feelings wouldnt have done this.

If he is committed to changing and you can see him taking steps to do so, I don't think it's worth throwing your relationship away over. What if he had been depressed and got addicted to alcohol / gambling / prescription painkillers, would your first instinct be to leave if he admitted it and tried to get help?

I'm not trying to minimise what he has done or saying you shouldn't leave if he has crossed the line of what you find acceptable. Like you said you dont need to make any decisions now you can always wait and see what happens

And I hope he is ok

Thank you @OoohTheStatsDontLie. You've managed to put my mangled thought Ito some sort of order. For us to work it's going to be a log hard slog so communication has to improve. The hardest but is going to be rebuilding trust.

You're right though he took that first and hardest step and he took it independently.