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[bardass]

Testing

I left a 30 year successful marriage when I realised I had feelings for someone else.

Ridiculously nieve . I know . I lived alone for 3 months and then the love of my life reciprocated.

I'm in my 50s he's slightly older.

But there is something wrong with him. He has no ability to empathise. To the point it's bad .
If we argue he does something to spite me . Last time we argued he changed his will. The time before that he asked an ex to go on holiday instead of me . his ex said yes.
I've put up with a lot . We were having a baby but I had to have a tfmr. He was no support despite being the driving force behind it . He left me alone after hospital appointments and went to work. I had to issue an ultimatum to him to get him to take time off work and be with me which he didn't forgive me for. Accusing me of blackmail to get him to stay with me . Afterwards he told me I'd embarrassed him . He didn't take any time from work but I did as I was in the second trimester. He was annoyed that I'd told work about the pregnancy but I was 15 weeks by time of tfmr but I was showing and I couldn't keep it quiet. I was out of my works uniform and into maternity clothes.

He finished our relationship with a text giving me 12 hours to collect my things and leave . This rendered me homeless. I had a suitcase and dog and slept on my ex husbands box room single bed . I've managed against odds to find a rental with my dog .
Ex says wants to stay friends but refuses to give me any explanation. There's no one else .
He just won't give me a straight answer as to why we aren't together anymore. He says I'm in denial and it was miserable. It was but I still love him and he won't sever ties . My things are still at his house and despite asking countless times they remain there . He seemed to be able to switch from lover to friend - platonic. I can't get my head around it. When I see him I can't switch to "friends " and I just break my heart when he leaves .

How do I get past this? He was all I wanted. I can't stop loving him.

He's awful.

You just have here to an extent, but write down a list of all the nasty things he said and did- from the largest to the tiniest. Keep adding to the list- you'll remember things to add over time. Keep the list in your bag and reread it whenever you feel bad about the breakup etc- or keep it online or whatever and look at it on your phone etc.

Also, get your stuff, then cut all ties. The bloke's been terrible to you.

So sorry for your loss xxxxx

I had a thread here - at the time of tfmr and then the first year anniversary.

He was called a cunt 30 times. But he stalked me online and blamed me for the responses.

He never accepted his wrong doings or said sorry.

Now he wi t even offer me an explanation about how it ended after 5 years. A text !?! He talks in riddles. I can't understand what happened.

He
Printed off my thread here and gave it me

I keep reading it . I know the fault was t with me . But I ca t seem to change
Y feelings . I'm constantly apologising even now and we aren't even together.

You left your partner for a narcissist.

The narcissist like the chase, especially of forbidden fruit like a married woman. They promise you the world and seem like your dream man. Then they get you and now, they are bored. He never wanted you, he just wanted to take you away from someone else. Like another kids candy.

He isn't a nice man and you need to wise up to this and realise he us never going to change or go back to who you initially falell for. Because that was all a shiny con he sold you in order to steal you away. Now you are just some old dusty trophy on his shelf. He wont give you back, but that's the extent of his care for you.

Walk away. No, run.

There are YouTube videos on why narcissists won't ever give you closure. And why they want to 'stay friends'.

You left your partner for a narcissist.

The only power this man has over you is the power you keep surrendering to him. He dumped you, that’s why you aren’t together (thank God). The head fuckery is just his way of twisting the knife.

You need to take charge but while you insist on staying stuck, he will keep messing with your head.

Get professional support because you waiting for him to be a decent human is not only futile, it will only cause you more anguish.

Thank goodness your ex husband (the one you left for this man) is a lovely, kind enough guy to let you sleep in his box room.
Have I got that right? That the husband you left is giving to a roof while you're still hankering after the narcissistic twat that you left him for?

The man is not your friend.

Ah ok, that was short term and your in your own place. Stick with the dog, your ex sounds awful. I hope you manage to get over him and get your life back on track.

Be glad you're gone. Make arrangements via a solicitor to get your stuff and never speak to the guy again.

Block. Block. Block.

It'll hurt and hurt until it doesn't the you'll realise what an utter bastard he is.

He conned you from day one by the sound of it and you're better off.

Thanks everyone for identifying what he is .
Been watching the you tube videos. Also researched codependency. He's a narc and I'm co dependant. Toxic.

He brought the rest of my things today. But was seriously off with me after a text exchange which shows exactly how cruel he is .

One saving grace ....I play the postcode lottery and his -ie my ex postcode netted me a grand today . I think that's probably why he was so off with me .
He kept talking about "rules" that I'd broken that I was meant to somehow know by mental osmosis because for him me talking to friends about the relationship was against his unwritten rules and apparently "everyone " know this but me .

He didn't identify me as co dependant because of course everything was my fault and he sees me as selfish. Yet I was willing to give up my middle age to raise a third child because he wanted kids - I'd already raised two children with ex hubby and they are grown up . What I was willing to give was completely lost on him. I need counselling. And yes - I need to stop giving anything to him. I've been a fool. I've even hurt myself by returning to "his" (what was our) house to take deliveries for him which nearly killed me . He gave not a shite . I thought he lived the dog - the dog certainly lived him but he walked away without a backward glance . He's incapable of love .

*loved not lived

Well here is living proof that the grass isn’t always greener. We all live and learn! At least the ex-husband of 30 years sounds like a decent human being.

He's still my best friend - but I'd met him at 15 and was then made homeless- he was my lifeline and there is genuine love but we were always friends rather than anything else. I discovered sex in my 40s with the narc . Grass wasn't greener but neither was it green where I was . Now I'm learning to be independent and self reliant.

Ex now calling me a narc because I linked him to a piece on narcissism and co dependency.

He's been in touch daily until I won't some money this week on his post code . I've been completely stonewalled for 2'days and now he's calling me a narc 😳.

I need to block now don't I?

Yes, I think that would be wise