Avoidant DH

[whonoes]

Is anyone else married to somebody who is avoidant dismissal? Can you give me your experiences please? I’ve realised that trying to argue my corner doesn’t work because he then gets to strop off and disengage which is exactly what an avoidant dismissal wants. How do you actually engage with somebody with AD and get your needs met or have the ability to express dissatisfaction with something?

@Dacquoise you truly have helped more than you could ever know x

Yes @whonoes - it's all fine as long as you do everything, don't challenge him & completely sacrifice your needs. Apart from it's not, of course.

And I was kind of horrified reading the article too - it really was a tick box list for mine too.

I wish MN had been around in 2008. This was the time I almost left him, as he wasn't taking on board my needs, his communication was shocking, didn't pull his weight at home.

If I'd realised that he'd been shagging the accountant at work then I would have run for the hills!

Nor had he told me about his depression before I moved in. Again, I would not have moved away from family & friends in that scenario.

But, isolated from friends & family, and having lost my confidence- I stayed with him & had DC.

And it's so much harder to leave when DC are involved. We muddled along for a few years when DC were young, but he worked long hours & avoided family life, with little contribution.

I spent years raging & plotting my escape.

I am nearly there. It has taken tenacity & many setbacks.

Don't give up hope OP, or let yourself be defined by him. You are a person too. You matter, you have needs.

Wow I didn’t know there was a name for it.
I had a thread of my own recently (called something like How to respond to this - DH gone off).
It all sounds very familiar Op
I have just stopped trying to discuss anything.
Nothing ever gets resolved.

Since my thread and the answers on it I’ve had a bit of a mental shift and have made myself think what if I did separate, and maybe it wouldn’t be that bad as is possible.
So I am biding my time but think 2020 will bring change.
It’s so wearing and I don’t think I can do it anymore.

Hi @MakeMineALargeProsecco, totally get the thing about you being the 'opponent'. Mine constantly undermined me with his passive aggression. Things like encouraging our child to dawdle when we were getting ready for a family day out (in the days when I still bothered) so that it was too late to go. Not backing me up when my family were being shitty to me. He'd end up going down the pub with them for drinks leaving me upset. I also think he was undermining me to other people as some of our acquaintances were quite off and rude to me for no reason.

Something interesting about him was that other men didn't like him. He had a couple of cronies who he barely saw but most other men took a dislike to him. Yet women were taken in by him. He wasn't very good looking but he had a charm about him. They couldn't see through him (like me I suppose in the beginning). Ladies, if you ever have the misfortune to go to court for divorce hope you get a male judge. It makes all the difference. He got slaughtered by our male judge recently.

As for the therapy, mine went into to therapy when we split up. He developed anxiety from the break up. I don't think he could believe I had the audacity to follow through with it after so many years of empty threats from me. And of course, it didn't work. The therapist told him what a shit he was to me and he interpreted that as he didn't need to be so 'driven with his hobbies', it would be better for HIM. He had no concept of me as another person with my own needs.

Thank you @whonoes and @Techway for your compliments. I really can recommend life on the other side. You both will get there. What's the alternative? I found renaming the creep very helpful in my recovery. He's now 'Gargoyle' in my head. Makes me smile every time. I downloaded a gif on my phone for his number!

Going out to buy and then cook his own food. No enquiry as to the kids and if they’ve eaten etc

• you really have to remember that you are dealing with someone that has got stuck in childhood. The pettiness is astounding. I can remember complaining about his lack of participation at home. His response was to say that don't bother cooking for him he would cook for himself, no clue that we needed to eat as well.

@SuperbMonkey - I suspect I am the idealised ex in his current marriage. She went overboard to ensure I could see her hen weekend and wedding photos on FB. What she didn't twig was that I was collecting evidence for the recent court case. I pity her, not envy her.

Thank you @WatchingFriendsOnRepeat too.

@Dacquoise Thank you for your further insights. That article has been eye-opening for me. I read it again this morning. It is a complete checklist. It doesn’t make my current situation any easier because I am where I am. The next few months are going to be difficult and I don’t know where it will all end up. However I’m hoping for a better future.

You go for it @SuperbMonkey, it will be worth it in the end, I promise you.

If I could have one New Year wish it would be to win the Euromillions so I could give therapy to all the women on here who are brainwashed, trapped, ground down and thoroughly exploited and humiliated by these 'robots'. There should be an offenders list so their next victims could have a chance to avoid them.

Perhaps I should start a campaign!!!

@Dacquoise please do! I would be at the front of the queue to join. I think we should extend the list to include the families of these offenders, who are often just the same!

Yes interesting and important point about families @SuperbMonkey. I think dismissive avoidant is a much more accurate description than narcissist or NPD. These people are created in childhood and I think the attraction is definitely due to the 'normality' to victims.

Look at your own childhood, always.

I was conditioned by my family to accept this behaviour in my 'mate' because that's what I experienced as a child. Both my parents were cold, distant and self-absorbed. My mother is a particular example of selfishness, manipulation and passive aggressiveness. Hence my ex-husband was 'normal' to me until I did the work on myself and realised how abnormal and abusive he is.

Another result of getting out and getting 'woke' is the realisation that I was surrounded by people like this. The number of 'friends' who wiped their feet on me on a regular basis. It's like dominoes, once one goes, all the others follow.

@Dacquoise, I was definitely attracted by the apparent normality, and my mother is just as you describe your own. My friends, not so much. It’s scary how easily and gullibly I was taken in to my own detriment.

OP I think you know you deserve better

I tried for 15 years but had to give up on my "marriage" - he didn't even kiss me for the last 10 years (I used to go downstairs and cry after sex every time).

Try not to see it as a mistake or a failure, you weren't to know. It's baffling how people can be this cold/cruel.

There's no wrong side of 40 - there's a wiser side though! I'm in the same boat, with 2 dc, and am loving being single. It's an absolute revelation and joy to get back in touch with the real, happy me after all these years.

Best of luck x

P. S. you feel broken but you're not really, you're lost, and will reclaim yourself one day

Do you have anyone who can help you with your exit plan?

I agree that it's caused by their childhood - DP's mum is a self-absorbed woman with no kindness or generosity of spirit. My therapist said he was trying to turn me in to his mother.

DP was a fantastic boyfriend - until I moved in. Then his true colours started to show.

He is definitely a covert narcissist.

And I have co-dependent traits, which is why I ended up with such a SHIT. Other woman with better boundaries & self esteem would have sussed him out. Interestingly, he never had a long term relationship before me & had lost his job several times before....

Therapy is definitely the way forward - by yourself though!

Something interesting about him was that other men didn't like him. He had a couple of cronies who he barely saw but most other men took a dislike to him

This is interesting as very similar. He didn't have "normal" friends more acquaintances and a recall a friends husband taking an instinctive dislike to him. Later his arrogance meant we were no longer invited out by couples. It has been a relegation since being single that I have a social life again.