Husband melt downs

[madeyemoodysmum]

This is a long story

My husband has always been prone to quick temper when it comes to kids behaviour. Now teens. They are good kids generally but like all have moments. He then gets frustrated , angry but calms quickly. Of late he is taking longer to calm down and goes into either depressed mood or angry mood for a day or two after.

Recently however this has become pretty much a once a week occurrence.

I'm pretty exhausted by it all. He admits he hates this behaviour in himself but doesnt know how to change it.
His father was very much like this so I feel it's learnt behaviour.

I want to help but I feel this change can only come from him.

He has a massive mental load going on right now which isn't helping

1. Teens in house
2. A very stressful job in a high level of management
3. A mother that has terminal cancer that requires visiting and sorting out every other day.
4. Father died from cancer 4 years ago so still bereaved from that.

I can see that's a lot for someone to deal with but what can I do to get him to seek help. We can't go round in circles like this He used to swim regularly and I noticed a change in his mood but I can't get him to even do that. He just says he has no time.

I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I'll try... my first thought on reading your post was "ok now I know how HE feels and possibly why he feels it, but how do you and your kids feel?"

It sounds like he is genuinely under a lot of stress and when little things happen at home, it is the last straw that broke the camel's back. Fair enough?

Hopefully this doesn't sound mean, but he is only one person in the house. Everyone else's feelings matter too. You need to focus on you. You need to focus on your kids, and they need to focus on themselves, their exams, friendships, future plans etc. It sounds like he is sucking up all the emotional bandwidth in the house and there is no space for others feelings.

If I am way off the mark, I apologise. I hope you are all OK,

I doubt he treats other people like this. Is he having tantrums with people at work or out in public? I doubt it. He's using you all as his emotional punching bags and it is not acceptable. Of course he's going through a stressful time, but that is not an excuse to be an abusive twat.

He needs t go an d see his GP asap. There night be some 'learned behaviour' going on but I suspet he is also depressed.

fwiw depression also run in family so it wouldnt be surprising that iut was the case for his father too.
(fwiw y dad is the same. And he has been depressed to some extend all his life imo)

Some men really struggle with teenagers and his past would indicate why.
What about family therapy.
He maybe stressed and have a lot on but he’s always found children difficult.

Sounds like a combination of grief and depression to me.

He needs to see his gp, taking a sick day if necessary. It's not going to go away on its own.

As much as what he is going through is horrid, I would be wary of

I’d be encouraging a visit to the GP. It does sound like it could be depression.
The fact you say he doesn’t want to be like this could imply he doesn’t feel in control of his own emotions.
My DH and DS have depression. The fact that they don’t ‘behave’ like this with others is, mostly, irrelevant. Home is meant to be the safe place where you can express yourself - good and bad - and it’s exhausting trying to keep on top of those emotions all the time.

Oeps sorry that posted too soon

His stresses and any MH issues don’t justify his emotionally abusive behaviour towards you and the DC.

I doubt he behaves like this with others.

I was going to say yes what he is going through sounds horrible. But I would be wary of thinking that could excuse/explain his behaviour.

I think trying to get him to see the GP would be the best step if possible. But as previous posters have pointed out, does he do this with other people or at work? If not I would also be more vocal in saying that you will not tolerate this behaviour.

Everyone deals with a ton of shit so there’s a limit to how much I accept it as an excuse. If he isn’t willing to seek help and doesn’t seem to do it to anyone else, for example, I would be coming down hard on this.

He does have a lot on - but the way he is coping with it all is poor. You have every right to tell him this, kindly but firmly. He needs to:

• See the GP to get support for his symptoms
• Contact CRUSE to get bereavement counselling
• Stop taking out his problems on you and your DC.

He isn't the only person in the family and he isn't the centre of the universe.

Thanks all. I try and nudge him to GP. Not sure how much luck I'll have

I get what your all saying. And I'll will try to point this out to him when he is calm and rational.

My dh got to this point but our dd is only 2. I had a few gentle words which overall failed so eventually I told him he had to move out because we wouldn't be treated this way any more.