Please some wise words

[Sametimenextyear]

Hoping someone will give me some wise words. I've been married for nearly 20 years. 5 DC ages 16 to 2&1/2. Last night I told dh I wanted to separate. He tells me he loves me every day... tells me I'm beautiful just as often but, I'm struggling with his chronic unemployment. In all the years together he's maybe been employed for 4....I think I might. be being generous with this number. I'm tired , I don't believe this bullshit anymore. I have always paid our bills. Even when I was pregnant, I still worked house cleaning. I still do. The last job he had he was there for maybe 4 months & genuinely was injured so no more manual labour. I've supported him in the past studying but that went nowhere & now he's saying he'll study now & make a fresh start. I know I'm an idiot for allowing this. I have tried to end our marriage before but I always caved. His selfish choices are stealing from our children & though I love him I've resented this forever. I never knew there was such a thing as financial abuse until I started reading this site. I don't even know if that's what he's doing. When he does have money he's very generous, he just obviously rarely does. He knows it's an issue & I've told him what he's doing is a conscious decision. There is so much more but I don't want to make this too long. Hoping someone will tell me I'm doing the right thing. This set up is killing me & I'm not angry anymore. When I'm angry there's still hope. Please someone talk some sense to me.

Forgot to add, no house work isn't something he does either. I feel like an idiot.

Anyone ?

Wow - that really is one very good cocklodger you have there OP.
I'm not surprised you've had enough.
He steps up or he fucks off.
He can do anything.
It will be minimum wage but at least it's something.
He's taking the absolute piss out of you OP.
If he doesn't work and doesn't even do housework, what does he do all day?
Does he look after the kids?
Pick up, drop offs, clubs, parties, shopping, change bedding, do the washing, ironing???
Anything!?
You know what to do OP.
With 5 kids I'd wait until after new and get the divorce ball rolling!

new YEAR!!!!

I didn't even know what he was doing had a name until I started reading here.He cooks dinner maybe 3 times a week & he'll do either the school drop off or the pick up. Other than that I can't see anything he's doing. PlayStation... or some stupid game on his phone.I feel like I'm being manipulated by a professional. I've been so dumb blind & believing I'm stunned. Ive been reading everything on here & having daily revelations. I'm starting to be very wary of who I've married .He's been so clever its unnerving.

Yup, he's a cocklodger alright :(

You can test how much he 'loves' you by writing up a daily to do list for him.

1. Get DC up, breakfasted and ready for school.
2. take kids to school and do food shop on way home.
3. Make beds, put on a load of washing.
4. Dust and hoover house.
5. Prep for evening meal.
6. Get to job centre and apply for jobs (you want proof he's done that)
7. Pick up DC from school.
8. Cook supper and help DC with homework.
9. Bathe and bed DC

10. Clean kitchen and wash up. 11. Prep kids school uniforms/ packed lunches for next day. 12. Do ironing.

Add further tasks e.g. pay bills, prep for Xmas etc.

Repeat EVERY BLOODY DAY until he has a full-time job !! At which point you will share the jobs between you both (depending on free hours you both have).

The only way he will get off his lazy arse and get a job is when you STOP doing all the work and make HIM do it !
He'll soon realise that the cushy gravy train he's been on has ended and that doing a day's work is actually easier than doing the never ending list of jobs at home !

I wrote this after leaving my ex -if any of this sounds familiar you’d be better off without him. I don’t think they improve as they get older & I’m glad I got out.

1.You had an answer for everything that meant that you could just do nothing all day.
2.You were unable to reciprocate a good deed- you took me & my time for granted.
3.You had no sense of duty or responsibility towards our family.
4.You were lazy there was never any initiative coming from you.
5.You gave me no support, I felt that you never had my back and would go against me, actively sabotaging me sometimes.
6.My life and my childrens’ lives were impoverished by you and your refusal to work.

1. Never took the kids out unless pushed by me. Never took them on walks or to ride a bike, it always felt I was managing something a bit dysfunctional.

8.You became dependent on me like I was your parent and you regressed and got worse as time went on.

Thankyou so much for your responses. It's 4 o'clock in the morning here & I'm shaking so badly reading this that I can barely type. Sorry first time posting so still figuring out how to do it. The list that started with always having an excuse totally nailed it. I think I'm beyond asking him to help. I feel like I've been trained to expect so little so that when he takes a miniscule step in the right direction I'm overjoyed. That should keep me happy. I was scared to tell him I've had it. 10 years ago we had the same argument & he told me I would never get the kids & suggested something would happen to me. I burst into tears & told him to just make sure my back was turned & I stayed. I brought this up last night & he laughed. He told me he didn't say that, that what he actually said was "If you find a other guy I will skin him & make you wear it as a coat" . I just fucking read that back to myself. I've been slowly disentangling myself for a month now.Three days ago I actually got my own phone. Thankyou for talking to me. I've never shared any of this before & I really needed an outside perspective. He acts so lovely I've not known what to think. Its all been relatively amicable so far. I want to keep it that way. I think he's hoping I'll change my mind, but I can't do another decade.I'm going to find out who to speak to quietly. I need to document this don't I.