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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU I can’t bare to look at him

49 replies

Ginmonkey84 · 16/12/2019 09:25

So this might be a long waffle but I really need some perspective right now, I’m worried I’m over reacting and my hormone are the current driving force behind me feeling so let down.

DH and I have been married 11 years have two DC aged 6 and our third is due in March.

Friday night my husband had his works Xmas do. They were staying in an apartment in the town it was at about a 2hr drive away from home with all the works lads. I had a horrendous day with our children on Friday, my little boys guinea pig had to be euthanised and they were both off school sick. It was tough going very emotional for them both. I told my husband to go and that I would deal with them however to keep his wits about him, have a drink by all means but not to get so shit faced that he couldn’t handle the next day. I wanted to take them out if they were feeling better as a family to see Santa to try and cheer them up.

So fast forward to the evening time he called me as I was putting the children to bed absolutely pissed. I asked him to try and sober up a little and he said he would. I knew they had at least another four hours drinking ahead of them and some of the lads are a bit wild so text him as I was going to bed to say good night and to make sure he let me know by text when he got back in one piece (a couple have been arrested before on nights out for fighting so this is a big thing for me)

I had woken up during the night a couple of times with my little boy and checked my phone, no message but could see each time he had been online but left it and went back to sleep. We woke at 6:45am and again no message but he was online literally two mins prior. I sent him a message saying ‘are you okay? I was starting to worry that something had happened. He completely ignored me. After an hour of nothing I completely lost my shit. Text him telling him he was a selfish bastard and not to bother coming home. He responded to that immediately saying ‘sorry I should have text you back that was really inconsiderate of me’. So I phone him. Straight to voicemail. No phone call back. Started texting about how much he loved me, how he was so looking forward to our baby coming blah blah blah.

He had been awake all night taking cocaine he admitted that. Where he was who knows, he said that he and four others sat in a bedroom all night talking and he forgot to text me when I text asking if he was okay. I cannot for one second imagine five grown men some of them professionals sitting in a small bedroom on a bed in an apartment snorting cocaine talking for hours....... Why on earth would you be sitting in a bedroom together? It all seems a bit far fetched to me. He’s not a drug taker he’s dabbled a bit on occasion but nothing for years.

I’m so angry at him. Not so much at the cocaine well I am but more the fact he knew I would be worried and to purposely ignore me even though he knew how I would be sitting at home wondering if he was okay.

So other than a brief conversation were he said they sat in a bedroom for 6/7 hours and he had taken some cocaine we haven’t spoken to each other. Well I haven’t spoken to him. He’s trying to be dad and husband of the year. Playing with the kids, just being overly nice asking if he can have a hug etc. He’s been told to fuck off. He hasn’t gone to work this morning so I’m expecting him to try and talk me round. I’m so muddled, I don’t know if my hormones are making me act irrationally or this is a normal reaction. I feel like something else has gone on and he’s lying to me I just can’t shake it.

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 16/12/2019 14:03

I wouldn’t be worried about the drinking and not texting. If he gets in a fight or gets arrested or if he hurts himself then that’s his look out frankly.
Taking coke deal breaker. I absolutely would divorce him.

whiteroseredrose · 16/12/2019 14:04

For me the cocaine would be a deal breaker for the reasons already quoted.

QueenofPain · 16/12/2019 14:05

I can totally imagine 5 grown men sitting round talking after doing a load of coke together.

yasle · 16/12/2019 14:06

The cocaine could be a smoke screen for having spent the night with another woman. Or he could have done both. Either way he sounds like a rubbish father and husband.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 14:11

Text him telling him he was a selfish bastard and not to bother coming home. He responded to that immediately

That is standing out to me.
Because it says that at that particular time, he had CHOSEN not to reply to you. He had DECIDED that your feelings and you didnt matter.

And the fact he didnt answer to your call also says a lot - basically he knew he would get a bollocking and was trying to gain time (maybe hoping you would have calmed down when he finally talked to you). Or because he is simply a coward.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 14:15

@DelphicOracle, really? because ts a christmas party its ok

not giving a shit about your family and your two dcs
not caring at all about your dw and her feelings
start taking cocaine
getting pissed so that he woudnt be able to look after his dcs the day after (despite the fact he KNOWS this is his rsponsibility)
ignoring texts from your DP but answering when he knows he really has crossed a line?

Wow, according to you, christmas seems to be a great excuse to be a shit person then

And of course, its now the OP's fault for daring having boundaries ane xpcting her DH to actually behave like an adult and a father. victim blaming anyone? fgs

Blindspot82 · 16/12/2019 14:16

Wow, people are coming on strong. It’s not a dealbreaker, he went out for his Xmas do and got smashed with the lads. Big deal. Once a year jobby. He knows he’s behaved irresponsibly otherwise he wouldn’t be trying to make amends. Don’t read too much into it

wellthatwasthat · 16/12/2019 14:20

In your situation OP, I would be incancescent with rage. Mostly about the cocaine.

EKGEMS · 16/12/2019 14:27

DelphiOracle "But it was a Christmas party" Are you 15?

Crazybunnylady123 · 16/12/2019 14:32

If my partner stayed out all night taking illegal drugs I’d sling him out.
I wouldn’t have that near our child. Just no.
Plus how would you know if he had cheated or not?
That’s not a responsible way for anybody with a family to behave.

dottiedodah · 16/12/2019 14:36

TooTrueToBeGood I agree.As the old saying goes you can always judge a mans character by the company he keeps !

Original poster

Ginmonkey84 · 16/12/2019 15:35

Thanks everyone for taking time to respond. A mixed bag but has definitely given me a lot to think about.

I honestly don’t think asking for a text message to say your okay when you get home after a night was setting boundaries or controlling...... I don’t spend my night ringing him, questioning him about what he’s doing just a simple message ‘I got home okay’ would have sufficed. That’s all I ask.

Maybe a bit of background to why that’s a big thing for me. My father was involved in a one punch attack five years ago. He lay for six hours and unfortunately suffered an irreversible brain injury and has spent the everyday since then in a residential home. It’s been a lot for me to undertake as his main care giver since my mother is no longer around. So it’s a big deal for me. I also didn’t ask him not to have a drink. As a responsible adult and father all I asked was that he didn’t go out and absolutely cane it.

He is a grown man and should behave like one. Is it wrong that I think my feelings should be a priority? That’s what a relationship is surely were you are mindful and considerate of the persons feelings your with? Simply a bit of respect for your partner?

We will need to have a conversation, I do know that. I just need to gather my thoughts and get a little perspective on the situation before doing it.

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 16/12/2019 15:41

And the coke ?

Original poster

Ginmonkey84 · 16/12/2019 15:49

Oh that’s a given I will also deal with that during this conversation. We are going out this evening, my mother in law is taking our DC for a couple of hours.

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 16/12/2019 15:55

Good luck. I’m older than you and the texting during a night out didn’t exists when I was younger so I don’t think it matters that much ( I’m sorry about your dad btw).
The coke on the other hand I would really struggle with.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 15:58

Good luck @Ginmonkey84. Its going to be a tough discussion.

If thats any help, I found that I am gettng better results when I have rehashed what I am going to say in my head before hand. So I have all the arguments as to why the behaviour isnt acceptable. Otherwise, I tend to come out as very emotional and therefore not rational (even if what I am trying to convey is rational iyswim)

whonoes · 16/12/2019 16:25

Are you absolutely sure he wasn’t with a woman in that apartment?

QueenofPain · 16/12/2019 17:03

I never thought you were unreasonable for being pissed off in the first place, as like you say, a simple text saying he’s okay would have been enough. Your update about your poor dad sheds a whole new light on why this is so important to you, and why your partner should be sensitive to that.

I think it’s still entirely plausible from my own observed experiences that he did spend all that time doing coke and talking utter shit with his pals, and I don’t think the suggestion of another woman being involved is helpful to you.

The fact that he was seen to go on and offline such a lot during the night doesn’t fit with him sleeping with someone as I’m sure he wouldn’t have been checking his phone mid shag, if that were the case. Much more likely that he was absolutely mashed, knew that behaved stupidly, and had backed himself into a mental corner with “should I message”, “shouldn’t I message” paranoid mental dialogue.

If the drugs are a dealbreaker so be it, if it’s once a year and you’re more pissed off about his inattentiveness then that’s perfectly valid to.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 16/12/2019 18:21

It sounds like you know what you want to do. I just wanted to say please don't listen to the posters saying he definitely wasn't sat in a room for hours taking coke. Some people like to try and scream affair at everything. However, he's told you he's taken cocaine, it's the kind of drug where people will just sit and talk for hours and hours.

Mary1935 · 16/12/2019 19:07

Have you checked his phone as who was he what’s apping during the night.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 16/12/2019 19:13

Those poor kids, having a drug user for a father.

Tootyfruityfoo · 18/12/2019 09:31

I'd be thinking that the fact he answered you immediately when u texted giving out that he probably wasn't doing much more than he said, he wouldn't have even seen it. If he was drunk and coked I severely doubt he was thinking clearly about ignoring your txt. As for going overboard, it happens its a Xmas party ppl are getting hysterical about it. Sure I'd be annoyed too especially being pregnant. Lap up the attention and have him treat you. If you're otherwise happy it's no deal breaker.

Pepperwand · 18/12/2019 09:38

Those poor kids, having a drug user for a father.

My thoughts exactly.

lumpy76 · 18/12/2019 09:50

There is a lot at stake here. A long term relationship, children, futures, jobs lots of things.
You are definitely not unreasonable wanting a text in the first instance. Even if he's on a night out he has a wife and children and he needs to check in. Getting drunk occasionally- it's Xmas - as long as the kids don't see him blind drunk - no harm done. Probably wasn't you best move deliberately planning something for the next day.

Now for the biggie - the drugs. If this isn't a one off then you imo definitely need to consider whether this man can continue as your husband.
If this is a one off then there need to be make of break talks. This man has been married for 11yrs and has children he CAN NOT go taking cocaine on his night out. He is risking his own safety and therefore putting in jeopardy the safety and futures of his children and wife. He could very easily lose his job if his employer were to find out. If this is the first time I would definitely be giving him a chance BUT it would be on the caveat that there will NEVER be any drug taking again and he agrees to check in if he's out at designated times. IMO he would owe you that to rebuild the trust he has broken. Good luck!

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