1k on computer for 11 year old

[Treatedlikeamaid]

I’m Not finding a job ,or rather not one I’m qualified to do. so after a lot of effort I’m beginning to sell stuff I’ve created. Obvs dh wants me to get amazing career, instead I have part time job that he complains about because it doesn’t really help.(?) surely any extra helps? He hates his job.
I needed a new computer to do the stuff I sell, he tells me I’m wasting my time, I’m not making real money. I have bought a new computer with my profits from last couple of months. I’m incredibly proud that I’ve earned this, and can do this. And have been assured by business help set up people that it can be scaled up and be a proper business. I get that dh is worried about his job and money.he said I wasn’t getting a new computer. I said I can buy it with my earnings he said, ‘ oh so you get to spend your money on you, but mine has to go on the housekeeping.
So why does he want to get ds a gaming computer? For a grand? When he said I was not getting a new computer? we are both concerned ds spends too much time playing computer games anyway. Ds has asked for gaming computer, headset, phone case and admits there’s nothing he really wants. Dh wants to spend a grand on a computer for him because he doesn’t know what else to get him and it stops him being stressed. This doesn’t sound logical.

Needless to say if I question it I’m somehow accused of something, never quite sure what, and I should get a job and stop wasting my time and the house is a tip.
I have let it slide, but am trying to fill orders while I can, and do all house and kids. At weekends he seems to just watch tv, doesn’t take children out or talk to them. I stupidly said how ds brightened up when he took an interest in the computer game he was playing and got yelled at because he doesn’t need to be told how to talk to his son. But he does - both kids scarper when he comes in. He’s having problems at work which is getting him down. And me , it doesn’t ever seem to get resolved and it’s very hard to live with. Am I being unreasonable to think a bit of interest or well done would be nice instead of questioning me like he’s some kind of Alan sugar and being surprised when, dur, I have actually worked out costs. I’m worried if I’m wasting my time and not taking responsibility and acting like a child as he says, or if I’m trying to earn money and get an income coming in than is better than the minimum wage on offer round here. Sorry this isn’t very well written. My keyboard is playing up and it’s 5 am another sleepless night. I’m drinking too much as well which I hate, and I know is because of the gloom in the house. I don’t know if I’m imagining it but he may be getting about to explode which he does every few months. I know he will get the gaming computer because he won’t stop arguing his case until I agree. He said well you decide what to get dh then. You leave it all up,to me and I’m at work and you do nothing etc etc. I said, well I’d get him the headset and that’s enough. Agh. Confused and tired. Sorry.

My Ds built his own pc at 11, if he’d have bought it, it’d have cost over £1k. Could be a decent project for him? You could buy parts bit by bit

A decent gaming pc does not cost a grand. If he's into his gaming get your dc to research what he needs and as a previous poster has mentioned he can build one himself cheaper. I'm a console gamer while my partner is a pc gamer. He's looking to update his graphics card and although it will cost 200 that's still decent and it should last him a few years.

Oh! Dh said it would cost more to build it himself and not be as good, but I agree would be a nice project. Ds has a laptop that’s only a few years old can that be addd to?

A gaming computer won't solve the problems in your house.

I like the idea of having DS build one. He's 11 and you could get him a seriously nice Arduino kit for 100.

Has your DH been looking for other's work since he hates his job?
It's not healthy for him to be zoning out ignoring everyone either.

What are your qualifications that you are unable to find work with?

No offence but the bigger issue seems to be your DH. H he's not supportive of your business despite the fact it's taking off from a week considered positron, has potential to scale up and offers you an alternative from minimum wage employment. He seems to be jealous an of your growing earning power and independence. That is worrying.
Also, you say he will not listen to your input on the PC and just buy it anyway. So, he will turn out around on you and make you feel confused and guilty about buying DS an overly expensive computer the household can't afford to help you in your business!?
You mention he is building to explode. This sounds like you've been thrift this cycle before of building hi the tension, finding reasons to justify your being via scapegoat and then using that to justify using you as an emotional punching bag.
I think you should consider if your DH is being financially, verbally and emotional abusive to you.
Read Bancroft Lundy's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03
See if this explains what is Hartlebury to you better...

*happening to you better

Agree with poster above...your relationship sounds like he is verbally and emotionally abusive. 💐 Is his default position on any new information to be critical? Do you always feel like he takes acts like his in superior position is you ask him but he tells you? Is he ever supportive? Can you access counseling just for you?

i.e you ask him but he tells you

Thanks guys. I think I’m trying not to notice that his stress and moods affect everyone. I actually have been told he’s abusive, but it’s so subtle I keep thinking ive made it out to be more than it is, and they are reacting to that. He has a v stressful job he doesn’t like, but Im surprised to find that after years of being supposrtive I’m getting a bit tired of it tbh. It’s a new and wierd feeling!
guess I’m just a bit fed up that he made a big deal about me getting a new computer to hopefully earn, but doesn’t think twice about getting one for ds. Also yesterday I foolishly tried to say how ds lit up when dh spent a few minutes with him ( but ruined it by saying I’m busy tidy your room) and maybe he could spend more time with son, and it somehow evolved into him slamming on the brakes, calling me whatever ( can’t actually remember) and telling me to get out he was sick of me. I nearly did, but needed to get home to do ironing etc ( and a bit of business) . I keep thinking I’m being unfair and should try harder. Housework isn’t my strong point!
Sorry. Guess I just need to straighten this out in my head.
It is goin to get worse isn’t it.

Keep going with the business, he's jealous and feeling threatened.

Do not let him spoil it or put you off. You should be very proud of yourself, well done.

Omg yes, he is always critical of any new information. he is always superior. No he is not supportive. Someone in a business start up council thing said how their dh had encouraged her and I nearly cried. He decorated the spare room for her. I’ve had years of arguing to get a space. And even though I tell him how it could take off, he says, ‘you’re not making that much. ‘ and quizzes me like he’s Alan sugar. And yes I have worked out the costs, amazingly enough. Then I get confused and believe that I’m being self indulgent and irresponsible. But it’s in the area I had a career in so I know a lot about it. And it could go somewhere.

Thanks- it’s the things like that I need to know about, not the extremes of behaviour that seem to get focussed on.
Self doubt creeping in! I can do this, I can fulfill my orders. I’m not wasting my time. Go me.

Thanks mrs h that means a lot.

Sorry but yes. The worst thing about this kind of abuse is it's difficult to talk about because if they've not experienced it some people don't get it. What you've said above is not good and is vvv unlikely to resolve itself. Please call women's aid if you can.

I brought my DS a gamers computer when he was 12y. I have to be honest it was the best presant ever and I don't feel that a penny was wasted. It did cost a lot though £2k half was a pro gamer and the key bord and screen was separate. It's a very expensive Xmas gift although he also uses it for media and general homework. I would leave it another year see how your financial situation works and save so you don't leave yourself short. I did save for my DS computer and that helped a lot as I didn't have to think about it to much. As most gameing computers have to be professionally built they need new cards once a year to keep them up to date. Your DS is 11 so it's a big investment for a child I would talk and do a lot of saveing and get him one next year when you have done more research.

He's a horrible bully. Sounds like you're waking up to the fact that he has zero respect for you.
He is insupportive.
Explodes every month or so.
Calling you names and being aggressive (slamming brakes).
The DC scarper when he arrives home.
What example are you setting for the children?
What about your needs?
Look into seeing 2020 as the year you get rid of this nasty emotionally abusive asshole.

With what you added, he really is abusive.
He probably thinks women are beneath him and doesn't like them.

So no, it isn't just you and you aren't being sensitive about it.

Someone who slams on the brakes risking an accident and telling you to get out is an abuser.

Have you thought about leaving him?

Oh! Dh said it would cost more to build it himself and not be as good, but I agree would be a nice project. Ds has a laptop that’s only a few years old can that be addd to?

Just to address this, no that's an absolute fallacy. It's considerably cheaper to build a PC yourself and these days relatively easy. (Though you will need to do some research around compatibility etc)
Could an 11 year old do it? Depends entirely on the 11 year old, steady hand and careful then sure. If not though and you might end up with a very expensive brick so be careful.

I built 2 last Christmas for my 2 lads and they were approximately £800 each. Off the shelf with matching specs would have been £1250 easily.

Adding to a laptop to upgrade it isn't really feasible though.

Thanks guys.
It’s amazing how supportive you all are and I really appreciate it. That again and bujink, thank you . Dh has chosen one so it’s reassuring to hear it was a good present. I guess he’s nervous about building one just in case! Have to say am in shock a grand for an 11 year old!
5 leaf crysta and ranty, thank you too. I am just learning how to be pissed off! Sounds weird but I am a long way off leaving, I need to get my mojo back first, though am getting there and mn is I incredibly helpful. I didn’t know that slamming on brakes etc was that bad, I mean it’s not great but I need to relearn what’s acceptable. Will read Lundy Bancroft and May call woman’s aid, but I think they deal with serious stuff and this isn’t. Or shouldn’t be anything more than I can handle. Now I’m re realising what’s happening! Just find it hard to believe x

It’s brilliant that you’re waking up to the fact that your H makes everyone’s life a misery. I know you said you try not to think about it, but to engage for a second - what do you think your kids experience of home life is like? Day to day? Do they tell you how they feel about him?

Being a long way off leaving isn't strange, it's normal because most people are committed to being married and this type of abuse is not spoken about.

But please don't underestimate what is happening to you and how it is impacting your life and your children's.

The following are serious enough to call women's aid or to start counseling for yourself now ( or, as is more likely ,next time he treats you with contempt and your subconscious is screaming escape....)

the temper/ verbal abuse
both kids scarper when he comes in
the undermining of your business
the breaks and the car.

They are also warnings not to seek joint counseling with him.

Some points to consider

How long does it take you to 'recover yourself' after one of these incidents?
Do you and the kids freeze when you hear the car on the drive to see what his mood will be?
Does he always have the last word/ get his own way. How does that work out when you disagree.
Are your finances fair..esp savings and pension.

Finally, you are in danger of it escalating. The business is a trigger because he sounds like he is worried that it will make you less available...he might have to pitch in or ( horrors) give up some of his priority for you.

Take care. Read. Don't discuss this with him or try to fix him. Sorry for the long post but I have been there ( including the work sabotage) and it sucks.

5LC

Ps. The telling you that the ironing needs doing/ making the (un)tidyness of the house your fault, so instead of doing his part of a shared task he's either a judge or a martyr is also more common than you'd think... It works best as control if you are ashamed by it and it isolates you.

5 leaf, thank you for the long post - I could quite happily read pages, you have such a clear and incredibly informative style
It’s tricky because it’s so subtle I am never quite sure if it’s unreasonable so your points are v useful.
Sorry have gone on a lot here! Am sorting out my thinking so no need to plough through. How did you get work sabotagedthough? I always thought it was my fault I couldn’t find a job that was good enough.

It used to take me all day to recover my mood if he left shouting, now I think bollocks more and more, which is GREAT. Why do you ask?
He’s not THAT shouty at the mo - he’s stopped yelling. He is being bullied at work so he is always exhausted, watching tv. He does make an effort to chat over dinner.

Which is what is confusing. He’s not totally bad . He’s not a laugh, and blames work stress and being bullied by boss.
It’s little things - seems to say ‘dont’ to ds most of the time, plays music he likes even if dd has asked for a song. Did play chess with ds but wouldn’t let him win ( he’s 11) Refuses to pick up towels ( but I think that’s normal!) or make his bed - he’ll sleep on the bare mattress rather than tuck the sheet in) yuk. He shouldn’t have to do it because he brings in the money.

Before taking me out to works do, he will get ‘that look’ and want to nip upstairs regardless if I am getting ready or there is no time. I find it really difficult beacause there are no gestures of affection day to day. If he does go to hug me it’s with his head turned away and a ‘poor me,’ thing. Not ‘giving a hug’ if that makes sense. Also said, ‘ but I’m taking you out, I deserve it’ that used to work, but now I really can’t steel myself any longer, doesn’t feel ok.

Yes he ALWAYS has the last word. And will keep going until I give in. It will quickly go to it being an attack on me rather than a discussion. Hence the brakes!
Even today he was using a library book as a cutting board- because it was there. When I asked if he couldnt is just move it, he just says, ‘Well it shouldn’t be there’. And kept on. Never say ‘oh sorry, wasn’t thinking’

I’m getting strong enough to sort the finances. I have been so nervous I couldn’t look at them for fear of doing it wrong. Has cost us a lot in insurance as something went very wrong a while back. I used to be on top of all that when I was single.
He didn’t used to mention money but is beginning to. but he said’ choose a nice dress’ for his works party. I didn’t, but bought some lovely pyjamas ( going to the in laws) that I could wrap and he could give me at Xmas. Usually we save it till the sales.But the kids like to see us get presents ( and so do I!) Well, he was cross! £50! On pyjamas and slippers! The trouble with you is...( goes on for a long time! I must be really Crap. 😉)
And yes, business. It’s tiny but all that concerns him is the ironing hasn’t been done and, as I said any negative comments going. I don’t know who he thinks would iron if I DID get a full time full on career.
I’m REALLY proud to have got this far with no budget and no encouragement!
Thanks for the ps too- you’ve just shown me that’s exactly what is happening.and I hadn’t realised! Getting girls round soon! Will just light candles so they can’t see stage of the place!
Many thanks 5 leaf. I would love to know more about your triumph over adversity. You’re obv made of strong stuff 👍

Oh gosh that is long. Sorry.