How to let go

[Dorri82]

I'll try and do this in a nutshell.
7 years in an unhealthy relationship. Both codependent but only recently realised my issues. We have a 3yr old together. He finished me about 4 months ago because I wasn't giving him enough attention (I was doing stressful exams at work)
He manipulated it to make out it was me who didn't want the relationship. I didn't make too much fuss as I knew deep down it was the best thing to happen.
2 weeks later he tells me he's met someone. I'm upset, but I try to deal with it. Then a few weeks later he comes round and says that the new gf of now 3 months, is 3 months pregnant. I don't even know how to begin to deal with this!!! I've found out he began seeing her just before he finished me. So lied, cheated, left, got a stranger pregnant and now keeos sending me messages asking if I'm okay and he wishes he could help make me feel better. I told him how he's made me feel and HE gets moody with ME and says fine if that's how you see things!! He then blocks me on WhatsApp but messages being all friendly on text. He wants to introduce our little girl to this new woman and her 3 kids she already has just after Xmas. It kills me but I know it's eventually got to happen. I don't know anything about this woman except she's got 3 older boys. My ex moved back in with his mum shortly after we split up (he's 37) and he has a little boy of 8 from previous relationship. So all together that'll be 6 kids between them... and they've only known each other 4 months!! I'm really concerned about the upset this is going to have on my daughter but I'm trying to let it go and trust him to do the right thing on his time with her.
But the thing is... I miss him. I feel sorry for him (he categorically has told me that he really doesnt want another baby.... She said she was on the pill. Yes, it's his responsibility too! Both idiots)
I know I should wash my hands of him and only talk to him about our little girl, but he gets really shitty and defensive and makes ME feel guilty and in the wrong if I ignore him. I know it's my issues of attachment trauma and codependency... but I don't know how to deal with it. Any advise? Xx

'makes ME feel guilty and in the wrong if I ignore him. I know it's my issues of attachment trauma and codependency... but I don't know how to deal with it. Any advise? Xx'

I wouldn't necessarily pathologize yourself (unless it helps you to see things in that way- it helps me sometimes.) He is trying to guilt trip you and stuff, you are responding as many people would. In our society, women in particular are conditioned to be 'nice,' care about others feelings etc. You are perfectly normal in how you're feeling- someone is trying to exploit your conditioning. To deal with people like him you maybe have to break that conditioning somewhat, and that's hard. How you're feeling doesn't mean you're abnormal- it means he's fucking with you.

Also ' the thing is... I miss him. I feel sorry for him'

This is also perfectly normal, you were with him 7 years.

Don't be too hard on yourself- I wouldn't say you're reacting in any abnormal way to how he's treated you xxx

I feel sorry for him (he categorically has told me that he really doesnt want another baby

Why you even listening to his pathetic tales of woe??? Tell him to go fuck himself, start your maintenance claim and point blank ignore EVERYTHING that doesn't involve contact arrangements for your daughter. If you are him fave to face and he starts...poker face, absolute indifference.

Don't let anyone use your empathy against you, how so you do that?...

IGNORE your feelings and look at the FACTS.

He doesn't like being alone, does he? He was with you for 7 years and has a child of 8 from a previous relationship. Not much of a gap between the mother of his 8 year old and you I guess.
Let him worry about his own life and tell him to stop contacting you with his problems.

He really doesnt like being on his own. I suspect he thought this was ending as I was distracted with working full time, exams and a toddler. So he went out and found the first person that came along... He just didn't count on getting her pregnant!
I've got to try and let go of the feelings of I'm letting him down, or I'm abandoning him if I detach. He'll make me feel guilty and it's so ingrained in me to try and make him feel better about things. Ughhh what a shit situation right before Xmas. Dick head!!!!!

You aren't abandoning him. He cheated on you and left you and got get pregnant and still has you feeling sorry for him?!

Stop being the doormat. He is a manipulative, mindfecking knobhead who only thinks about himself and his own interests. You aren't his mum. You don't owe him anything and if you continue to give him an inch, he will continue to demand a mile.

Detach. He isn't your business anymore. Nor are your life or choices, his.

Keep contact to about the child only.
Don't let him play you off against the other woman.