Is the writing on the wall?

[Moses12]

I am unsure if I am overthinking things or the writing is on the wall. It’s more an action speakers louder than words situation.

Met a guy online 4 months ago. We live 30 minutes drive from each other and try and see each other 1/2 times a week. We text daily. Phone occasionally. We both work full time. He is a teacher and has his own craft business, so 2 jobs and 50% custody of teenager (2 days a week and alternative weekends). Me in nhs so work long hours during the week and active social life.

At the start as things were new we sent lots of messages and he initiating dates. He texts and calls, but seeing each other in person is hard due to other commitments. I have more time than him as I have no kids, but it seems one sided - his. He seems to prioritise his time more. Sort of work, family (get they are top priority and I don’t want him to change that), friends, life etc and I come at the bottom, if he has free time. We never plan in advance and if I try I get possibly free. I am a slow burner in relationships.

I am in the mind set that if someone wants to be with you, they will make time. So, I had a chat with him at the end of October about this. Honestly I was 80% going to end it - I was unhappy and we were looking for different thing- it’s ok we are adults that happens. I Asked him where he thinks this is going etc. He replied that he was happy with us really likes me and wants to see what develops. Liked us taking things slow to get to know each other. Great on the same page.

I expressed my unhappiness about us not being great at planning to meet up and I was not looking for causal. He apologised and said was busy and didn’t realise it was an issue and was upset at how he made me feel. He said as hurt in past and ruined relationship with daughter, he can’t be 100% committed. I pressed on this and he said spending 24 hours together, but said he has been exclusive to me and wants to develop us. I said committed was being exclusive and partners - we both agreed we were thinking the same. We agreed Monday night was our night snd spend 1 night at the weekend, when no childcare.

Great November it was good, planned in advance etc. Saw each other lots. December appears and he warns me that he will be busy with his business doing craft fairs and his family are over from abroad mid December for 3 weeks so will be spending time with them. I felt this was pre-warning he was not going to be around.

So far we have seen each other Monday night. Weekends been messed up as he has had his teenager lots, craft fairs. Christmas week we are both away with family.

On Friday we arranged to meet up in town after our separate works parties and he stayed at mine. On Saturday we went to brunch and I asked When we were going to see each other before Christmas. He said of course we will, let me check childcare first as a few days have been switched. That’s fine.

So tonight he texted to say he messed up a big order and to remake it, and he had no time, so said he couldn’t make Monday, but potentially another day, when am I free? Suggested Thursday, he said out for drinks with work. He said potentially Friday as out to see star wars with a mate on Saturday. I replied Friday is good for me. He then said not 100% sure as may be out with mates for Christmas drinks. He suggests Sunday or Monday next week. I reply and say potentially Sunday but parents arrive on Monday, so unless he wants to meet them Friday is best for me.

He passes on meeting the parents - fine we are still getting to know each other. Says he shall see what he can do, just a busy time of year trying to do everything.

So am now thinking that he is planning lots of stuff with others, warned me he would be busy, so is kindly letting me down? Or just really busy? I am overthinking the fact he doesn’t factor me in any plans? I feel he is generally happy with the Monday night arrangement and thinks I am and doesn’t think to plan any other dates with me is needed. To me this is not developing a relationship. Is he showing me that he sees no future relationship and it’s just causal?

Have you not already posted this and asked this question a few days ago?

You're not really a priority are you in his life? He seems to think you're an option and pretty much at the bottom.

Probably not what you want to hear though, I wouldn't like this if I didn't want a casual relationship.

I know. That’s how I feel. He assured me that was not the case. But it’s how his actions are. Drunk on Friday he was saying how much he liked me and how he enjoys spending time with me.

Sober, hard to arrange dates. I get we are busy, especially over Xmas. But it was him naming a day to meet and then the next sentence was I may be out with friends, will check. Why say the day?

I think he is probably genuinely busy at this time of year, but he also sounds like he’s putting everyone else before you. Why aren’t you more important than drinks with a friend, for example? And why can’t you meet his mates or he meet your parents after 4 months? You’re not a priority to him. I don’t think it’s that he’s letting you down gently, he’s just not putting much effort into your “relationship”.

I think that’s it. I do feel he thinks everything is ok. I am not a needy person and he is turning me into one - secretly of course. I just want to feel like he wants to make time for me.

No reason why not met friends. He met some of mine on Friday. My parents I wasn’t going to invite him to meet them as they are very full on and I don’t want to scare him 😂. But I am not too sure about meeting him meeting them after 4 months, especially if I am not feeling valued.

No, there’s no point meeting parents anyway when there’s doubt about the future anyway. You’re not needy in expecting one or two dates a week and for someone to to be enthusiastic about seeing you.

It isn't going anywhere he's looking for a gap-filler for his spare time.

Don't be someone's option when you could be someone else's priority.

I say end it.

Yip. Feels like a gap filler. I am at the stage of wanting to meet someone to settle down. He has had that and it’s not worked for him. He has had his fingers burned and told me that’s why he is taking things slow. I am happy at a slow pace, but this is glacial!

I feel I may have met an emotionally unavailable guy, who likes the idea of a relationship but can’t commit. Well to me. In person very loving, but it’s when I see him. Or he can’t give me what I want.

Think I may cool it over Xmas and see how I feel in January.

I thought you were going to 'go with the flow' and see how things progressed when he has more time after Christmas. That's still the best plan surely OP, it's still early days.

x post.

It is. But conflicted that he said let’s met on Friday and then said not 100% sure. He also said he wanted to make plans for New Year’s Eve and now says he might have his daughter, but will see what he can do. It’s the flaky plans!

The reality is that this man has two jobs and his children two overnights a week and every other weekend. He simply does not have the time you would like, because if he sees you 1-2 nights a week then he has very little time left over. So at this time of year, he is also fitting in other socialising.

I think he has been somewhat unfair in making you think he is available for a relationship but really he is only available once a week. However, unless things move on so that you also spend time with his children, it is hard to see how things will change. I think if you want someone to settle down with, this is not really the guy for you.

I think you need to let this one go.
He's not looking for committed but more of a FWB situation all on his terms.
His actions say something completely different to what he is saying to you drunk or sober.
Offering to meet up Friday then in the next breath saying he doesn't think he can make it sounds like he a flakey/half hearted type of guy (busy or not).
If he really wanted to make things work with you he would find the time.
Don't invest all your emotional energy into someone like this.

Some people are 'drains and some are radiators'(he's definitely a drain)

I would call it a day now and accept every invitation from friends etc and fill your social diary and have some fun over Christmas.
By New Year you will probably realise he's a distant memory.

He’s busy. He’s self employed, working in crafts so it’s his manic busy time of year, needs to remake an order, he’s a single dad and he’s got his family coming for 3 weeks to get organised for. I’m sure he’ll see you when he can. Christmas is a terribly busy stressful time of year. He’ll have more time in January when his family have gone and his work is quieter. Give him a break. If you give him a headache over this he’ll show you the door.

I understand all that’s doing been very accommodating. It’s the arranging plans then next text saying he may have other stuff but will let me know. It’s like I am a back up. I have decided to cool it and see how the contact is.

I am not giving him a hard time. My replies are always ok. Not told him how I feel as said conflicted if it’s me or crazy December. Only text I sent was saying Friday may be the only time I get to see him till after Xmas as busy with family. It maybe that right guy wrong timing.

If he’s a nice guy see how things are after Christmas. He’s probably this busy every December to be fair. I wouldn’t throw an otherwise good relationship away over this. I just tried to find a day before Xmas to visit my cousin who lost her mum this year. I don’t have one what with work and other stuff going on. I’ll see her in between Xmas and new year. Don’t take it personally