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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don’t know what to do!

24 replies

Mummy23kids · 15/12/2019 18:11

So my husband has been caught cheating several times, we have been trying to work at it because I love him, I want it to work and I want my family together (3 kids)
He is currently working away from home, which I asked him not to do but he went because the money was good. He was caught cheating (the night before we went on holiday) with someone where he works while I was pregnant. He said it was just about sex said he was sorry and I agreed to give it another go!
Things got better for a while and I felt really good about us. However it’s all gone downhill again, we had a massive argument when he was home because he wanted to go out and I wanted him to spend time with me and the kids, we hardly get to see him! He had agreed that this trip home would be all about us even though he really wanted to be out watching his football team. During the match it all changed he decided he wanted to go out and when I said I thought that was out of order he went in a huff and didn’t speak to me for a day! It came to a massive argument, I lost the plot I was so upset, I told him how it all makes me feel again, I told him how much we value his time home, I told him how much I worry when he’s out that he’s up to something! He said he’s fed out with the way I am when he goes out ( I always want to know where he is and when he’ll be home, I gone take if he’s not home when he said he wil he, I’ve told him I don’t want to be like this but I can’t help it) I asked him several times to go out and come home when he’s says to build trust and then maybe I won’t be so bad but every time he goes out he doesn’t come home till usually the next day or well into the small hours. Many times he’s out he’s with people I don’t know, people he’s not seen for years, it never seems to be with his friends that I know!
Last night he went out while Woking away, I asked him if he was out and I got a one word answer back the. No other contact till 5am when he told me he was in a guy from his works house waiting for a taxi, the taxi never came and he walked home, I was asking questions and he said he didn’t realise the house was so close, now i know he knows where the guy stays so I asked where he was he said in a guy from the pubs house, so it seemed the story had changed and he claims and he met a guy in the pub on Thursday night and they were chatting. He went out with his room mate who he works with, the room mate went home early but he stayed out with this guy he met, then went back to a party in his house with a crowd of people. I have went off my head, I don’t know if he’s telling the truth, I’ve told him he could have been with anyone and why is he going home to peoples houses he’s just met. He doesn’t see the big deal! Says he’s done nothing but I can’t believe it. Plus i said he’s left me in a situation of doubt and why would he do that after all he’s put me through! He said he didn’t think but I feel if he’s wanting to make things better then surly he should be considering this! He knew fine well I’d be worrying about where he was. He says he’ll prove where he was and who he was with but I don’t think he will!
I don’t know what to do, I love him so much but I feel I get nothing back!

OP posts:
bigchris · 15/12/2019 18:18

Oh This is really sad Flowers

Once a cheater though....

TheHootiestChristmasOwl · 15/12/2019 18:20

What on earth do you love about him? You put up with him cheating, he is clearly still doing it. He knows he can just carry on. He doesn’t care and has no respect for you.

readitandwept · 15/12/2019 18:27

I told him how much we value his time home

He doesn't value you or anything about his life with you.

Get him out. You are worth more this, you know. I can tell you that and I don't know you. But your own husband doesn't think you're worth anything. Nothing.

I'm sorry, but you are wasting your life here.

XmasRibbons · 15/12/2019 18:36

You're wasting your time, energy and emotions on this man! He doesn't value you or respect you and clearly has absolutely no remorse or understanding for you regarding his previous behaviour!

And he also doesn't understand how hard it must have been for you to forgive him and give him another chance.

You would be better off without him honestly, if he really wanted to give your relationship another try he wouldn't have taken the job, knowing you didn't want him to! He would have put your marriage and his family first. He probably uses his time away doing god knows what because he knows you're not able to stop him. He didn't put you firsy and he's still playing silly buggars! He's a tosser.

XmasRibbons · 15/12/2019 18:39

Also I'm sorry he is doing this to you, its very cruel! After all it isn't just happening he is doing this.

Worriedandsadaboutthis · 15/12/2019 18:52

OP, you can’t trust this man, but I think you know that. Sending Flowers

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 15/12/2019 18:56

You can't trust him. He could be as innocent as the day is long, but because of his past behaviour you simply can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. And I don't blame you, I wouldn't either.

A marriage in which the trust is broken is not a marriage at all. I'd make plans to leave. And if I were your DH I'd be making the same plans. I would never stay in a marriage where I couldn't trust my partner, heart and soul. And I would never stay in a marriage where my partner didn't trust me, whether I deserved it or not. Either way, it's soul destroying.

Dominoz · 15/12/2019 18:59

I agree with PP, what do you love about him? Why are you trying to change you when he is the person doing wrong? I'm so sorry you're in this position but you and this DC are worth more.

SnowyUnicorns · 15/12/2019 19:23

He is acting like he is single. Sorry OP.

ISmellBabies · 15/12/2019 19:30

Sorry op but you're wasting your time. He won't stop cheating. He couldn't care less how you feel or what you want. He just wants to go out and get his dick wet at every opportunity. He'll carry on doing it for as long as you put up with it. He's never sorry, he doesn't care, he hasn't changed, just every time he gets caught he says what you want to hear so he can carry on having his cake and eating it.

MMmomDD · 15/12/2019 20:28

Not sure what you want to hear, OP.
There is nothing you can do here.
You can accept that you are in an open marriage where your H plays around with other people. And since he does - so should you be able to.
But otherwise - in a normal relationship - you’d be considered quite controlling with your need to know his whereabouts when he goes out.
But yours isn’t a normal relationship.

You both sound like you are very young and immature. It’s possible that you got together and had kids way before either of you were ready to settle down. He clearly isn’t and this is what he is demonstrating.
What you can do is try to decide what you want from life.
There is no one in this relationship - other than you - who is working on making it work. Your H is just living his life the way he wants to. You can accept it and try to make peace with it, or you can find your pride and make your own happiness.

user1493413286 · 15/12/2019 20:30

I’m really sorry but once I think you can work on but any more than that I can’t see what his motivation is to stop as he will just think you’ll forgive him for it constantly

PositiveVibez · 15/12/2019 20:43

He has absolutely no respect for you.

If he doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you.

You deserve better. You know you do. Also the kids do too.

dudsville · 15/12/2019 20:46

That's not how someone behaves toward you when they like you.

Rezaminelli · 15/12/2019 20:50

He is vile.

You have given him more than enough chances....

How would you feel if your kids grow up to behave like him and treat their partners as you are being treated.

It sounds like you desperately want to keep the family together - he is treating like a doormat.

You are worth so much more. And your children deserve a happy mum. I really hope you find some self worth very soon Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 15/12/2019 20:51

This is sad really. If he was truly sorry about cheating he would do everything he could to reassure you and build up your trust. Instead he is carrying on in the same way and when he’s caught again he’ll be sorry again...
You will just be ground down and your confidence will ebb away. You have to decide whether you want to live like that or whether you want the freedom to meet someone who truly values you.

Windmillwhirl · 15/12/2019 20:57

You can't trust him, you never will. Can you continue to live like this? I know you want your family to be together but this uncertainty and anxiety is the price you will pay.

ohmydaysagain · 15/12/2019 22:19

It's no way to live always worrying what he is doing and who with, you will never be able to trust him and he has no interest in trying to prove he is to be trusted. Self respect is a hard thing to have when you have been treated like you have but you will need to find that again and walk away from him. He will never be the person you deserve as he only cares about himself and what he wants.

madparrotlady12 · 15/12/2019 22:28

Hi 😊 how are you doing right now ? Iv been in your situation and it turned out that the times he went to house party's . Never came home until early morning or the next day he was still cheating even tho he promised he woundnt . I'm not saying this is the case with you but it very well might be 😢. Also he used to work away too and go out and get pissed he then would phone me drink late at night saying he was still in a pub but obviously with him cheating before my head was in a shed . I worried 24/7 couldn't sleep or anything . I begged him to not work away but just like you he said no because of the money . Turned out that it wasn't the money with him he admitted that he loved his carefree life whilst away xxx

ConcentricCircles · 15/12/2019 22:30

So my husband has been caught cheating several times, we have been trying to work at it because I love him

^^ Correction - because YOU are trying to work at it. HIM? He's still a single bloke (in his head) and no amount of effort on your part can make it work, because it's just perfect as it is, for him.

Give it up my lovely. Learn to value yourself because you deserve better - MUCH better!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/12/2019 22:33

If your husband was genuinely sorry about the hurt he caused by his cheating he would be treating you very differently. Nothing would be too much trouble to reassure you and restore your trust. He'd be falling over himself to put things right.

But he's not doing this, is he? He's treating you really badly. No respect, not even courtesy. He doesn't give a shit. He's obviously still cheating and he's not even bothering to make up even vaguely believable excuses. He knows he can go on cheating because you're so desperate to keep your marriage together that you'll let him get away with it.

You have two options. Either 1. accept that he's going to go on cheating and if you want to stay married you'll have to swallow it, or 2. put your foot down and chuck him out. I know which I'd do.

category12 · 15/12/2019 22:36

As pp says, there's no we working on things. You might be, but he gives nary a shit.

Why would he? - he does what he likes and you might cry & so on, but it all blows over and on he goes, fucking around as he pleases.

Dorri82 · 15/12/2019 23:31

He doesn't sound like a very nice person OP. a, if he loved you he wouldn't have cheated on you and b, if he was truly sorry he certainly wouldn't be making you feel the way you are now.
I think it's inevitable that this relationship will end. Have it on your terms and take back some control... kick the arsehole out!! He really doesnt sound like he gives a shit about you or your feelings.
Write down all the things you love about him, and then next to it write down all the things he's done to hurt you and how he makes you feel. I'm sure the second list will be a lot longer. Sending hugs. Do this for your self esteem and your children. I grew up seeing my mum put up with countless emotional abuse and I'm still dealing with the effects it had on me. I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like because that's all I ever knew. Do it for all of you xx

OliveToboogie · 16/12/2019 06:03

He has no respect for you. Please wake up and bin him he only loves HIMSELF, you and your kids are way down pecking order. He is a real catch.... NOT.

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