My parents let me down and I don't know if I can get over it

[beammeupsc0tty]

I would love some independent views on this as it's been eating me upside and I don't know how to move forward.

Very long post alert sorry!

Just over 2 weeks ago something happened with my parents that really shocked and upset me and I don't actually know if I can get past it and ever be normal again. I have just had a baby (he's 10 days old now), at the time my parents were staying with us - they had come down from scotland because we live down south and needed someone here to look after my eldest for when I went into labour. This was all planned and agreed in advance.

Now onto what happened, my mum and dad were really stressy all week, they seem to have turned into grumpy old pensioners since they retired even though they are only 62! I have had the feeling they are not overly keen on my OH over the last couple of years but I just put it down to a bit of a personality clash and every time they stay being a crowded house and they are particular about having their own space. Me and my OH are not married but have been together 20 years and we have a 4.5 year old together so my parents are not new to him! My OH is a bit of a marmite person, he does seem a bit of a grump unless you really know him plus we live in a bit of a reverse gender role household in that I'm the diyer and he does the cooking, ironing. I always thought my dad judged him a bit for being 'useless' at the DIY bits but me and my OH very much work as a team and it works for us, he's very sweet to me and my son albeit perhaps the don't see that side so much as he is a bit different when they are around.

Anyway they had stayed with us for 1 week and my dad had been forced to be teetotal for the duration because plan was he'd drive us to hospital and keep car for next day to take my eldest to school. I do think my mum and dad have a somewhat unhealthy relationship with booze as I could tell my dad was pretty desperate for a drink (he made it known!). By the time it got to the Friday I said why don't you go to the local pub for a couple just to get them out for a bit. So they went out for a couple of hours but when they came back they were pretty pissed don't know how it happened in such short space of time!

Anyway they were ranting about various things as you do when your sozzled and some of it did seem to be deliberately aimed at stirring a reaction from OH. Obviously me and my partner are completely sober during this. Anyway towards the end of the night my dad and OH got into some silly political conversation over WASPI pensions and it ended up at the point my dad said something terrible to OH and he ended up storming out the room. The argument itself was really silly and although upsetting we could have got past it if it was just that. I went to check on OH and he refused to come back downstairs, saying that due to the fact were drunk there was no point trying to resolve that night. I then went back to my parents to suggest we all just go to bed and resolve in the morning and this is the part I really cannot get over and don't know if I truly ever can.

Now bear in mind in heavily pregnant at this point (40 weeks), they start by saying OH is an a*hole, how could I ever be happy with someone like him, I must lead a miserable life and they couldn't believe I'd chosen to have another child with him. This completely hit me for six, they obviously have grown to really hate him but for the life of me I cannot work out why?! I did ask why they feel this way but the reasons they gave were ridiculous, picking up small biccers we'd had that they had witnessed which were really nothing. My mum in particular was really letting rip and the things she said have stung me hard, saying how she feels sorry for me and my life etc! I am extremely proud of the life I have built for myself, I have a loving partner, little boy and had another one on the way. I own my own home and have a great job and her comments shocked and astounded me.

The next day they went home (their decision) and then I had to arrange my partners mum to fly down at the last minute. I cried and cried and cried over all the things said. I only told my partner a tiny bit of what was said and even though he doesn't know the worst of it be never wants them to stay with us again and is very upset at the insinuation he somehow isn't good enough for me when they've known him for years.

Anyway fast forward to today, they have since reached out over email and tried to apologize but I have yet to speak to them on the phone. I did text my mum saying in time I would call her but for now it's too raw. I have texted her updates with the baby and pics but nothing more. I'm now at the point I need to have that conversation with them but I honestly don't know what to say. I don't actually forgive what's been said and cannot forget it, I'm also so disappointed in them for the timing of it all and affecting my happiness with my newborn and having this hanging over me. But I also miss having some sort of relationship with my mum and miss being able to call her especially now I've just had another baby.
How do I tell her that things may never be the same again though? I can't see them ever being able to stay with us again and I can't see my OH ever wanting to be in the same room as them again and I cannot blame him.

Am I being harsh / unfair? It's absolutely devastated me, I feel like ive lost my parents to an extent.

Why do you feel you need to have that conversation now OP? I can see why you're upset, but you have more than enough on your plate at the minute with a new baby and I think in your shoes I'd focus on that. Your relationship with your parents will probably repair itself in time, if that's what you want. You're right that it'll probably never be quite the same, but I'm not sure there's really any need to call that out to them; I'm sure they're aware. For your DP, things will almost definitely never be the same again and to be honest I don't blame him if he wants nothing further to do with your parents. Functioning alcoholics can be deeply unpleasant.

I've been through something similar OP, although in my case my Mother backed out of being a birth partner when I was in labour with my first daughter.

At the time, I think because I was in shock, I just ignored it all.

Similarly, they also started to criticise my partner, although more suitably because my Mother likes to be able to deny that she was ever hinting at anything. But they began to imply our relationship was failing - it wasn't, and that he was controlling - he isn't.

I set them right about that and they backed down, but to be honest our parent/child relationship has never recovered. There have been various incidents over the years in which support was promised and then withdrawn, I don't ask for any help now.

It was all very painful at the time, and it still irritates me. Particularly as they will insist to anyone who will listen that they would do 'anything' for me when I've had it demonstrated over and over again that this is not true.

A few years have passed now and I've come to terms with it. I see them as limited people and I have no expectations. We are relatively low contact and they don't know much about what goes on in my life.

Now, I only feel occasional regret about it. Sometimes when I see other women who are close to their parents it stings a little, but I have accepted that I can never have that. I'm philosophical about it - I count my other blessings which are many.

Right now you are in the worst part of it, and it's going to be really hard for you to have that perspective. It takes time.

You might find that as you begin to pick things over you realise that things in your relationship and childhood were not always great and there was more wrong then you were aware of. Peeling off those layers can be equally painful.

For example, I endured many years of horrible criticism from my Mother over the years whenever I achieved anything. Moving into my own house, graduating and getting married were all marred by her cruel comments and put downs. I came to realise that this was her attempt to put me down a peg or two or keep me on a leash, because each life stage of moving on represented me becoming more independent from her. This might be the case in your own family when you look back.

I would advise you to take things slowly and not rush to any decisions. You've just had a baby and you need to put your feet up as much as is possible for the moment.

My only caveat is that you mention your husband is a 'marmite' person. It's possible that some, or even all, of your parents claims about him are valid and that you are also similarly in a fog about him and his treatment of you or others. You wouldn't be the first person to go from an unhappy childhood to an unhappy relationship and some people repeat what they've seen at home in their adulthood. So I would think carefully about that too.

I wish you the best.

I honestly wouldn't have any Conversations anytime soon. You are hormonal at the moment and probably exhausted. I would wait till things have settled down at home before you make any decisions about what you want to do.
Congratulations on your baby. X

You poor love. Sounds like they are both alcoholics to be honest. My in laws are a similar age and they drink loads whilst seemingly believing they don't. There is always a bottle of wine open. I've forgiven loads of shit from my dad over the years just to keep the peace but I'm not sure I could get over what you describe particularly as they left you in the lurch. I don't understand why your dh couldn't drive you to the hosp though.

What are their actual issues with your dh? Is there any truth in what they’re saying?

I’m just clutching at straws trying to understand really because unless he’s a complete arsehole they have no right to voice their opinions on him. They need to suck it up and get on with you all, especially with the current situation, they’ve been very unreasonable.

I think you should give yourself as long as you need to come to terms with their behaviour before speaking to them again. It's quite understandable that you're very upset. Concentrate on yourself and your family until it stings less and then try and go forward neutrally with them, if you feel able.

I was honestly waiting for it to be worse tbh

All they've really said is that they don't like your partner

This happens in lots of families tbh

If you aren’t ready to forgive and forget you aren’t. They have behaved really badly and don’t seen to have acknowledged it or apologised.
This is such an important and intense part of your life, just bond with your baby and put them on the back burner for a while.
You sound guilty, of course you’re not being harsh and unfair. They have behaved many not you. It’s up to them to make amends, not to you to explain your reaction .
I realise you are jut and want mother love, but i I don’t think that’s what she is going to give you at the moment, I’m sorry to say

The alcohol is definitely an issue, although they are not drinking vodka at 9am or anything they are habitual in the fact they can't seem to go one day without a drink and even my mum was taking a wine to bed with her every night she was here it was almost as if she couldn't get to sleep without a drink. I have mentioned it somewhat flippantly but never with a serious tone and when I have mentioned it they make it out im just boring / stuck up over it.

I would give it around 20 years and discuss it again

In terms of my other half I have really no understanding as to why do much hatred towards him, he's just different to them that's all. I did ask them what has he actually done wrong and the answers were really petty. I'm not known as someone that puts up with shit in fact I'm famously open and honest and don't put up with crap so if I really felt an ounce of what they said was true then I'd be giving my partner what for but I'd anything this has brought us closer together as we know us and we love each other loads he's my bestie

*I was honestly waiting for it to be worse tbh

All they've really said is that they don't like your partner*

And gone home, leaving the OP in the lurch for childcare on the point of going into labour.

OP, in your shoes, I would get it off my chest. tell them that you were badly hurt by their outburst, that they are not forced to like your DH but they could respect your decisions and choices. That they let you down by getting drunk, thus not being able to help had they been needed, and that getting drunk no doubt contributed to their behaviour and outburst against DH. And how they let you in the lurch and put you in an embarrassing position in having to arrange childcare from DH's family.

Say that you understand that they are trying to apologise, that you are happy to send news of the baby but you need time to yourself before going any further.

It sounds as if your Dad, at least, has a drink problem.

Get if off your chest and then concentrate on your darling baby and you, your kids and your DH and don't engage with them until you actually feel you want to.

This sounds horribly stressful and I think you need to give yourself time to properly think - something I expect is very hard to do with a 10-day old baby! One thing that struck me from your post was your describing your OH as a 'marmite' person. This suggests he can come across badly and perhaps is not hugely socially skilled - is that right?. If that's the case, I guess it does make sense that your parents do wonder what goes on behind closed doors, especially if he never shows you affection in 'public' (which I think is what you said). Your parents were very tactless but I expect their actual outburst came from a place of worry. They see you with a taciturn, prickly and emotionally distant man and they really want you to be happy. It's good that they've reached out with an apology and that they're willing to respect your need for time before you make contact. If you decide to try and mend things further I wonder whether it would help for your OH to be more aware of how he comes across and for him to show his care for you more publicly? I may be wrong here but it does sound like he's hard work and that this is a strong part of the strained dynamic. It sounds like your parents might drink too much too and I hope their lack of self-control has shocked them enough for them to want to do something about that.

So they were drunk when they let rip? There's zero point in having a conversation with them - they won't remember what they said, they will rewrite history and nothing will get sorted.

You say yourself that your OH is marmite, so presumably you’re aware that people don’t always warn to him?

Your parents were very rude and obviously let you down when you needed them. I don’t see it as being unfixable though. They’ve just said out loud what many people say about family members behind their back! Not nice but it happens.

I understand your partner not wanting them to stay again, if you get to a point where you’re ready to see them I think it’s fair to expect them to stay in a hotel/B&B rather than with you.

Your parents sound like awful pissheads OP, focus on your new baby and your 4 year old and your partner. Let them apologise.

warm

At this point I would keep any reply factual.
You have hurt our feelings.
You let us down when we needed you.
Thank you for the apology. We need some time.

And then take some time. It feels like it can be repaired and they are sorry. It’s just a shame it happened when and how it did.

Can you go into more detail about how your DP is like marmite? Eg of how he acts?

Totally unreasonable of your parents to leave you when they were due to look after your other child when you were in labour.

You are your parents little girl. No matter how old you are or what you do, you will always still be their little girl. It sounds to me like a bit of a case where nobody that you had a relationship with, no matter how happy they made you would be good enough in their eyes. The alcohol loosened their tongue at a time when tensions were high, they said things that they shouldn't have.

I suspect they now feel a touch embarrassed and sheepish about their behaviour. They have suddenly realised that by ostracising you, ultimately they will be the ones missing out on their daughter and grandchildren.

While it is not great timing while your hormones are all over the place, I would be inclined to speak to them sooner rather than later because otherwise it will fester. If necessary, do it on email so that you are less likely to have an emotional outburst. Explain exactly how you feel, pretty much as you have explained it here. Tell them that although you love them, they have really hurt you. They need to accept that your husband is who you want to be with, he is a part of your life and will not be going anywhere. To move on from this, they need to show genuine remorse to both you and your husband. Boundaries need to be set for future contact to prevent any further damage. I would also be inclined to point out that they should be reducing their alcohol consumption if this is how they behave when drunk.

Congratulations on the arrival of your baby

Tbh I'm not surprised you feel as you do.

They've let you down badly.

The thing I'm most shocked about is them leaving the next day - literally leaving you in the lurch wrt childcare.

That was the time they should have been apologising and setting things right rather than making the matter worse by disgracing themselves further.

As for your OH I'm not surprised at his reaction. I'd want nothing to do with in laws who'd behaved like this.

However, all of that said I think you need to focus on priorities.

That's bonding with your new baby and adjusting with your OH to becoming a family of 4.

I'd go very low contact with your parents for now simply because this is not a time in you life to be embroiled in drama (of their booze fuelled making).

My suggestion would be to tell them the truth that you are hurt/angry/disappointed and don't know when/if you can move past what they did. Tell them you need your space right now and that if there is to be any potential to move forward they need to respect that whilst you focus on your new baby.

Then try as best you can (easier said than done) to put them out if your mind for now and see how you feel in 3 months time. You might want to stay low contact, go non contact or put in place some very clear boundaries (for example no alcohol around you or the children ever and if they visit they stay in a hotel).

The reality is they do actually need to feel the repercussions of their behaviour and you need to draw a line here that you won't tolerate it.

You can't possibly have them around the children when they behave like this and they need to decide what's most important to them - booze or family.

I'm sorry you went/are going through this at what should be such a special time

My in-laws were appalling to us after the birth of my second child. They said and did dreadful things and then stopped speaking to us. Eventually I decide to make peace and for the last 15 years they’ve been fine. They’ve helped us in lots of ways and I’m pleased they are in our lives.
Having said that I will never trust them, it’s never far from my thoughts and I don’t feel the same way about them as I did. Their relationship with my kids is good and with their son my DH. But they were appalling but blood is thicker than water and seeing them at arms length is ok.

OP - change the reason for the row and I could've written your post. My parents said some horrendous things to us about our youngest son, my job and my sister (Golden Child) earlier this year while round at ours for dinner, and DH threw my dad out, rightly so. I'm still processing it six months later, it's been a lot to deal with. I was the one they said horrific stuff about: they like DH but they think I'm a selfish shit.

I don't know how you move past it, because if you're anything like me then the biggest thing you're struggling with is that this awful behaviour was their misjudged way of expressing their opinion. They aren't going to change it, and even if they do, you'll always doubt whether they secretly still think these awful things. And there's very little arguing with opinion.

My DH doesn't want to really repair our relationship with my parents, so he's similar to your DP in that. He's sticking up for you and for himself, it sounds like whatever they said was deeply hurtful.

All I can advise is that you take some time and space to decide what you want to do. I was so angry and so hurt for ages, so I went very low contact and gave myself space to appreciate my lovely DH and two DSs, and remind myself that it's ok to feel hurt. I'm not obliged to be their punching bag just because they're my parents. It's made me re-examine their behaviour throughout my upbringing, and it might make you do the same. Give yourself time and headspace to decide how you think you can move forward but remember, it's your decision. You're calling the shots because they're the ones who've behaved appallingly at a time when you needed them. They'll have to wait until you're good and ready to talk, if that's what you want, and then they'll have to listen. Which will be hard, but will be necessary.

I hope you're ok OP

Really sorry OP. It does sound like your parents have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. What they said to you was horrible and to do it so close to your due date, and in your house and to then just leave knowing you needed their help. I honestly wouldn't reach out to your parents yet you dont want anymore potential arguments with some much going on in your life at the moment. Concentrate on your lovely little family for now and deal with your parents are a later stage.

I understand, I'm nc with 1 of my parents he was like your parents took a dislike for my dh , also been together many years . I think he sees my dh as soft because I do a lot of diy . He sees that men are the provider, very old fashioned views but hey ho . The reason I went nc was the nasty name calling he did about my dh and my in-laws who are the nicest people you can meet . I honestly can't forgive him and will never have the conversation with him as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and he wasn't even drinking like your parents. If they want to apologise and make amends then hear them out but if not limit time with them . I get that you are upset it's horrible that the people that you've known all your life turn out to be so horrible.
Congratulations on the baby .