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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too needy?

27 replies

WhoDisNow · 15/12/2019 14:47

My boyfriend is currently down with the dreaded lurgy. He has had it for nearly a week now and is saying that he still doesn’t feel any better.

I’ve asked him every day how he’s feeling. I’ve bought him food and flu tablets and have just generally been trying to look after him.

I texted him yesterday saying that I felt down about something that had happened and could do with a hug.

I haven’t had a response. On its own I would probably just assume that he’s not feeling well but he was out until midnight for his works party on Friday night and was working in his garage with his brother all day yesterday.

He has also recently said to me that he likes to have the upper hand in relationships and that he went wrong when he let one of his exes have the upper hand by chasing her.

I’m starting to think that I will never get the support from him that I want. But I just wanted to check people didn’t think I was being needy by expecting even a quick message back in nearly 24 hours.

OP posts:
Menora · 15/12/2019 14:49
Confused He’s told you that he won’t give you any emotional commitment already - I think this is a clear sign he is really not the right man for you (or most women really)
Lllot5 · 15/12/2019 14:52

I was thinking you were a bit needy until ‘the upper hand’
What does he mean exactly?
Can’t see any point in playing games.

Original poster
WhoDisNow · 15/12/2019 14:55

I don’t know what he means. When I asked him he said that he thought one person was always more in control in a relationship than the other.

Tbh, if it wasn’t for what he said, I’d probably just chalk it up to one of those things. But thinking back he’s never been there for me. Now I know he is deliberately trying to have the upper hand (whatever that means) I guess I’m over thinking.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/12/2019 14:58

Well time to end it, surely the point of a relationship is being there for one another?

user1480880826 · 15/12/2019 15:02

He sounds horrible. Why are you with him?

He’s not ill, he’s got a hangover. An ill person doesn’t go to their work Xmas party and stay out drinking until midnight.

He’s keeping you in your place and doesn’t care about your feelings.

BaileysMadeMeDoIt · 15/12/2019 15:02

Well if he's been out to a party and working in his garage he can't be too ill can he? So no excuse for ignoring you. You have the advantage that he's actually come right out and said he's manipulative, most of them keep that information quiet. You deserve someone who doesn't play games.

gamerchick · 15/12/2019 15:08

If he's been partying then he's not not that ill.

He's TOLD you how he's going to treat you. You can either accept it or you can tell him to get lost.

JellyfishAndShells · 15/12/2019 15:17

Upper Hand No, no no.

Original poster
WhoDisNow · 15/12/2019 15:45

I think he definitely is keeping me in my place.

I’m currently seeing a therapist due to low self esteem and I think he is the cause of this. I’ve only just realised though that he does this stuff deliberately.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/12/2019 15:49

Ach, just bin Him off, show him who really has the upper hand.

Don't let him treat you like shite as some form of ego boost. That you want him more than he wants you. He's a twat. End it. Find someone who will treat you decently.

Isleepinahedgefund · 15/12/2019 15:50

He sounds charming. Upper hand my arse.

How long have you been together?

If you're in therapy because he makes you feel like crap, your life will improve 100% when you get rid of him. And think of the money you'll save in therapy fees!

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/12/2019 15:51

I totally agree with @Bluntness100. Bin him off and I'm sure your self-esteem will quickly improve.

Original poster
WhoDisNow · 15/12/2019 15:52

I guess I’m sick of playing mind games with him. Feeling afraid to talk about feelings because he reacts badly.

I’ve put up with this for a few years too long now.

He just always has a convincing answer as to how I’m over reacting.

OP posts:
MashedChristmasPud · 15/12/2019 15:57

He’s making you suffer because of his baggage from a previous relationship. Either that or he’s using it as an excuse to be purposely half arsed with you...treat them mean, keep them keen type thing.

If you aren’t happy I’d end things now rather than later.

RandomMess · 15/12/2019 16:09

Seriously life is too short, you deserve someone who treats you decently. End it with him, this is who he is don't bother discussing it with him.

Thanks
PerfectPretender · 15/12/2019 16:10

What the hell? He sounds horrible, get rid.

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/12/2019 16:32

You've been with him for a few years??!! Please get rid. You sound lovely and thoughtful and he sounds like an arsehole.

I have zero patience for needy people but absolutely nothing you have written has set my needy radar off. Whereas a boyfriend who claims to be ill but can stay out late at Christmas parties yet can't reply to a text from his girlfriend within 24 hours has definitely triggered my bullshit radar.

You deserve so much better.

LL83 · 15/12/2019 16:37

End it. His attitude is awful and his lack of concern/interest is not something you want in a partner.

It is not needy to expect a response to a text saying you felt down. Without the upper hand comment I would give benefit of doubt first time this happened. But it seems that it is deliberate.

Groovinpeanut · 15/12/2019 16:46

He likes to have the upper hand?
This statement alone shows you who he is...
Staying in a relationship with this man is doing you no good at all.
As you say, you can even predict his responses. Getting rid of him will pave the way towards your self esteem improving significantly.
Life is far to short to be treated this way. You deserve so much more.

SnowyUnicorns · 15/12/2019 16:49

He playing games to suit himself and doesn't care about your feelings.

You deserve better.

TimeforanotherChange · 15/12/2019 16:54

A few years? Oh God.

I'd ignore him now, to be honest. Let him text you. Ignore it if he does. Give it til Christmas Eve then just drop him a text saying, 'This isn't working for me anymore. Best wishes for the future'.

Then have a great Christmas and New Year without being tied to an arsehole that lets you run at their backside with food and sympathy and can't give anything back. You'll be so much happier.

And your self esteem will mean you don't need to keep paying a therapist any longer.

ErickBroch · 15/12/2019 17:05

Jesus I thought you'd been together like, a month, not years. He is using being sick as an excuse to not have to bother with you - but it doesn't stop him doing anything else. Leave him.

Tooner · 15/12/2019 18:28

Upper hand my arse, who does he think he is, controlling shitbag!
Don't waste any more of your time on this loser. You deserve better.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/12/2019 18:30

OMG you’ve wasted years on this?!

End it immediately.

booboo24 · 15/12/2019 18:43

Well he clearly hasn't got flu, he wouldn't be able to put one foot infront of the other let along go out until midnight, so I'd definitely stop playing nurse to him. Emotional support, or any support for that matter should be equal, and he clearly thinks he's more deserving. He doesn't sound that great to me