Feel like I’m going mad - gaslighting

[WheresMyMindAt]

I’ve been on the receiving end of what I believe to be gaslighting for a while now. It's reaching a point where I can no longer fully trust my own recollection of things, even though I do actually know deep down what I have/haven’t experienced, have/have not said etc.

Last night dp and I were having drinks at home and we got to talking about the day we got engaged. The proposal was a no thrills, nothing extravagant, type event, literally just sat down one evening, popped the ring on and said that we were engaged, he didn’t actually speak the words ‘will you marry me’, but he didn’t need to, we knew that’s where we were headed. Anyway, dp wanted to have a chat with my family about proposing before we officially announced it to everyone, so off he went the following weekend, spoke to my parents, returned home later that day and he gave me the ring back, then we cracked on with the rest of the evening.

Now here’s where I’m being head fucked. Last night, DP claimed that when he returned home from my parents that day, that he apparently dropped down on one knee and asked me to marry him. He didn’t do that. I know he didn’t. What he did do was walk in to the room and place the ring on my finger. He didn’t drop down on one knee, I would remember that happening. That’s not something I would forget. But DP became angry with me last night when I told him that I don’t remember it happening that way. He said I was being ridiculous and that it categorically happened. I’m so confused. I KNOW that he didn’t drop down on one knee and I know he didn’t ask me to marry him while doing so. But seeing how adamant he was last night is making me think ‘DID that happen!?’ ‘Am I losing the plot and making up an entirely different version of events in my own head!?’ ‘Why can’t I remember what apparently happened???’.

This is gaslighting, right?

We’ve been through a few similar situations where I’ve been left doubting my sanity.

Funnily enough, we was watching a movie together a few weeks ago and one of the male characters was lying to his wife about something or other, and the wife was seen to be visibly confused and doubting her own memory. DP said ‘oh that’s gaslighting isn’t it? I really need to get better at that, because I always get caught out!’. It was said in a lighthearted, jokey way, but it hit a nerve with me then and now after last night I’m even more annoyed.

Am I going mad? Do things keep happening that I keep completely forgetting about?! Even huge things like apparently forgetting DP dropped to one knee in front of me? I don’t even know my own mind anymore. Except I do. I can't describe it. I’m so confused

I think he's a straight forward liar as opposed to a gaslighter. But it doesn't really matter because either way you shouldn't marry him.

The jacket doesn’t sound like he is deliberately gaslighting you as he had no knowledge that you’d looked in the jacket and would have known they weren’t in there so didn’t set out to make you believe you were remembering wrong. However it does sound like for some reason he intended to lie about where he’d found them, not expecting you to challenge it, and when you called him out rather than admitting he’d lied to you he decided to just keep going with his lie and act like you must be wrong. Whilst I don’t think this is gaslighting in its truest sense it’s obviously still dishonest and wrong within a relationship, he shouldn’t be lying to you and at the very least if he’s telling what he seems a white lie to cover himself (Eg: he found the items somewhere you’d told him to look months ago but he’d been too lazy to look in and so wanted to pretend he found them somewhere else) then when caught he should at least own up.

I’d be worried if he’s lying about little things it won’t be long before he starts lying about big things. I wouldn’t marry him.

He could be a compulsive liar. Not quite the same as gaslighting (which is conscious and deliberate). However I agree, both would tend to drive you mad.

Gaslighting is dramatically overused on this website

Agreed.

He seems like a liar. Which is chase enough for concern wether he's deliberately doing it to make you go mad or not.
My dp does this sometimes. Will swear blind he's done or Somalis something he hasn't. I KNOW sometimes he hasn't but he will become really childish in how he defends himself-because then he gives it the old 'I'm outraged you don't believe me' and that makes the discussion about something else. He has lots of other great qualities that make up for it but if we split up ever this will be what it's about as it's incredibly unattractive.

This all seems weird.
OP - are you looking for a reason to not marry him? Don’t marry him then - you don’t need a reason.
There is no gaslighting here - he isn’t doing anything to deliberately hurt you.
Most people had it in their lives with many people - where our recollections of events is very different from the other person. And each side is absolutely sure they had it right.
Memory is unreliable.

But the fact that you seem fixated on that and making it a big deal and all about you and him - says something. And it’s either about you, or about your relationship. Hard to say.

It’s really simple. Life is too short. If you can’t see the big picture and be excited about a life with this man - leave and spare yourself long years of unhappiness. Or give your head a shake and live your life in the present and future.

You cannot marry a man you don’t trust. Whatever his reason for lying, things will get a whole lot worse when/if you have children. Please disentangle yourself from him.

As an aside, I once worked with a lady who got engaged to her long term boyfriend on hiatus. She returned to the office with a long detailed account of the proposal which involved e writhing from moonlit walks in the beach to castles! It was complete fantasy. She was known for ‘exaggerating’. A lovely woman in many ways but I can’t imagine how exhausting and frustrating it must be like to be heavily involved in her life. Then again in her case her now husband was as bad and often told her he was working when he wasn’t, that he had done something when he hadn’t etc so they were well suited. They had/have a very volatile relationship with constant arguments and accusations. They appear to thrive in it but for I know I would hate it.

By your definition of gaslighting, couldn’t you also be accused of gaslighting him?