Hi I don't really know where to start but my relationship with my mother is really getting me down now. It's going to be a long read so bare with me 😅. I don't think I ever had a really good stable relationship with her from day one . I was brought up with everything I wanted but I now realise that was to compensate her always being out . She used to bring numerous different men home whilst in relationships. I just remember her sneaking them out the back door whilst her long term boyfriend came in and then they would fight . Horrible fighting . My mother was nearly done for murder and social services were involved. They got back and it continued. Anyway they ended and so the cycle continued. She was emotionally violent to me and physical. I was too scared to do anything wrong even peed myself if I knew she was coming up stairs to flip out . She was very loving tho so it wasn't all bad . She just wasn't good with drink . When I got older . Teen years she used to come home late and for hours come to my room crying her eyes out that I'm going to leave her and she couldn't cope being on her own with out me . I think after all this I kind of distanced myself from her . I was a really loving child . Had separation anxiety when I was away from her because for some reason I never thought she was going to come back for me . I used to sleep in bed with her until I was a teenager too . One night she came home steaming again . Depressed as usual and kept saying no one loves her and she told me to get her some painkillers . She decided to take a few packs of painkillers saying she wanted to die . And I don't know what happened but I wasn't scared I just felt really angry with her and I went to bed . I woke up to her still on the sofa . I think she was embarrassed because she just acted normal . We didn't mention that and still haven't 25 years on . I'm now on my 30s with a family of my own . I met my ex who I was with when I was 13 . We stayed together for 11 years . Now I think I was just trying to maybe get away ? I don't know but we had a son . My mother took over straight away . Made me feel like I was an awful mother and that he didn't love me . If she came to my house and the baby was crying . In my arms she would take him off me start shouting at me and I wouldn't see them for days . I turned in to that scared little girl . Now I would of told her where to go and that would of been the end of it . This went on for years and I developed post natal depression because of her . Our relationship continued to be good and bad up until now . Everything has calmed down but I just can't love her . I get anxious every single day thinking about spending time with her . She only lives ten minutes away so I could go down to see her every day but only manage twice a month we do speak on the phone every day mind . I do love her . I love her loads but me not being able to show it and feel so uneasy and akward around her is starting to ware me down . Especially with Christmas. We are her every year because she's on her own . But I get very nervous about how drunk she gets because she has the tendency to just randomly flip out and start hitting people and smashing things . One year we were supposed to of had Xmas dinner down her house . Christmas Eve she came to ours . She got drunk and it was gone 9 my little boy was 6 at the time . I said it's time
For bed now and she kept saying I'm an awful mother sending him to bed on Xmas eve at this time she then started going mad and I just felt like I had to get out of there . I was having a panic attack. I left the house and walked around where we lived . Got home twenty mins later to my boyfriend cleaning up everything she smashed and a mark on his face where she hit him she had also took my son. I phoned her saying I was going to phone the police . I went down there but she woundnt open the door . I eventually got him back Christmas Day but we had no food for dinner because we were supposed to be having it with her . 😔. This is just the start of what I have had to put up with . Anyways . I just don't know what to do anymore . I feel guilty 24/7 for her being on her own and me not making the effort to want to do anything with her. I know this sounds so horrible but sometimes I just wished she would go away and I wouldn't have to see her ever again . No one knows how I feel everyone think me and my mother are really close . She probably does too but I literally don't feel anything for her . I feel dead inside . Even when she cries . Nothing. I also think that if she wasn't my mother she would not be the kind of person I would want in my life . I know I have put her down a lot but she would do anything for me and she's always there but I just can't do it anymore . She is also kind of punishing me now for buying a house further away from here . I had a feeling she was off with me then my son said he had told her about us looking at this house the day before . She can't stand me leaving her . Anyone in the same situation as me ? I am absolutely dreading Christmas again . And I love Christmas. Just us sitting round the table and me feeling like I'm with a stranger. Thankyou if you have got this far . I'm just desperate now to know if I will get out of this feeling or this is it now . I just really resent her for what she has done to me and made me feel. Mostly the way she took over my son . And made me feel like he didn't want or love me. Even in my birth plan I said I didn't want her there when I was giving birth and she knew that and still wouldn't leave . My son knows now what my mother is like . He ha even said to me a few weeks back about how she used to tell
Him things and make him believe things not for him to want come home . I really could go on and on . Any replies are welcome good or bad ❤️