What the fuck is wrong with me...

[VolcanionSteamArtillery]

Im in my late thirties. I spent 10 years in a deeply emotionally abusive and gaslighting but non violent relationship with my exH. He was then violent to DC after we split. Then 8 years in a relationship that featured violence in the early days but actually supported my significant personal growth. I had a patch of counselling (prompted by other events) which was very useful. I know i outgrew the relationship but was still absolutely devastated when it ended very unexpectedly early this year. I think tbh exp knew damn well i wouldnt tolerate the bad end of his behaviours and eventually the effort of trying to keep them in check became too much

I said then i didn't think i trusted myself to date again and was perfectly comfortable being single.

I then had a massive blow out with my parents and have now started to put better boundaries in place there too. Im happier with the shape my life is slowly taking. I have more space to breathe.

Slowly and, actually very gently, a long term friend started almost courting. Recently i actually noticed and started paying attention. There's shared interests etc. I was very surprised to find myself interested, and happy to crawl things along at a very wary snails pace. Its been month and really nothing has happened except spending time together and talking lots but it looked like it had potential.

Until he decides to tell me cos he wants to be "completely open with me". And yes it turns out theres an act of violence (supposedly not his fault) in his background too.

Its done for me you cant get me out that door quick enough.

But what the fuck is it about me, even when im laying down solid boundaries in all aspects of my life, that not only means I attract them but they feel comfortable enough to actually tell me ahead of time!!! I feel like i have a great big neon sign above my head.

And more importantly can i change? This recent guy said i heal people and make people feel comfortable with themselves flaws and all. I dont want to lose that. But if i have a relationship again it will not feature violence or abuse. Im damn cross that just when i countenance the possibility of moving forwards i hit the exact same problem again.

Wtf is wrong with me!

“ This recent guy said i heal people and make people feel comfortable with themselves flaws and all. I dont want to lose that.”

Lose it. Seriously. It’s all very flattering but if you read between the lines it’s all about what you can do for him, ie, massage his ego and put up with his shit.
You don’t heal people, you’re not a magical person. Making people feel comfortable with their flaws sounds suspiciously like you’re far too tolerant of poor behaviour.
Being a partner shouldn’t be like being a therapist.

Lose the therapist.

Exactly what pictish said. Relationships are not free therapy! I have friendships where we take turns helping each other, urging each other on, supporting each other through the bad times, but it’s a two-way street. The key words are “each other”.

I’ve had non-reciprocal relationships before, when I’ve paid a therapist!

Sounds like I’m making fun but I mean it seriously. I also have poor boundaries (in other areas) so I understand the struggle

Making people feel comfortable with their flaws sounds suspiciously like you’re far too tolerant of poor behaviour.

Yes it has been in the past. Both with my family and my relationships.

But actually im quite involved in the SN community, which he knows and has seen, and its been a positive thing for me too.

But yes perhaps this is where the problem is. And why he felt the need to actually tell me.

I second it sounding like you are way to accepting of bad behaviour. There are literally thousands of men who have never been violent to a woman.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? I think you could really benefit from it.

Separate caring for people in a "helping them get better" and loving them.

I had to learn the same lesson and did so the hard way too.

You are not their carer you are an equal partner.

It's not that you attract them it's that they target you. There is a difference.

Have you ever had the chance to do the Freedom Programme course? It might help with your on going recovery and help you spot predators before they start hunting you. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I think it's a huge positive you didn't let this one suck you in any further, but your receptiveness to his line about you healing violent men does show you're still very vulnerable.

The only person who can change an abusive man is the abusive man himself. You simply do not have the power to do that and allowing yourself to believe you can is a recipe for ending up controlled by one. That's all abuse is about: power and control.

You have learned to identify your boundaries. Keep them solid by ending this thing with the new guy.
You are doing well and making progress by identifying and admitting to a problem. Stay strong.

There are a lot of them around. You don't need to have low self esteem or have had them in your life before to attract them. You just have to be a semi decent person with normal human empathy. They aren't fussy.

You spotted the signs this time. So you did well. That's what it is all about, keeping your wits about you. Listening to what people say and bit making excuses for behaviours you shouldn't excuse.

You can't stop them from sniffing around. All you can do is stop them from staying in your life when you realise what's what.

"healing violent men"
Oh no the healing wasnt specific to that. This refered generally, and to the the SN community.
But yes because i know i can do what i do well. I do want people to live their lives more comfortably and practically I'm good at helping arrange life to help that happen. I dont want to lose that. I gain a lot of practical satisfaction from knowing someones life is a little bit better because i gave them i little shove in the right direction.
But yes the targeting of me, because i can, and do, do that i want to lose. There's a big difference between tolerating someone taking time to help themselves, and tolerateing bad behaviour full stop. Its not that I dont know the difference (although i do think this was a problem in the past), i dont think other people know i know the difference.

But that you this has helped me. My instinct was the need to sign me straight back up to counselling, ive signed up to the freedom course

Thank you all. Thats a massive kick up the backside of identifying where im going wrong. I knew that sentence was off. Understanding how other people see it helps me workout how. caring is a part if what i do and who i am. But i do want an equal partnership as well.