Going NC with ILs - please help me through this

[Indigoflowers]

NC’d for this. Sorry, might be long...

I have always had a strained relationship with them. My DH has as well - they have serious alcohol issues and have been emotionally manipulative to him for years. They are also toxic to each other and have pretty ugly rows.

DH went low contact about 3 years ago so we would see them once or twice a year. He tried to total NC about a year before that, and they told him his dad was dying (he wasn’t). Each time would end in a row, upset, or one of them drunk and throwing/smashing things. I think he’s always been scared of cutting them out.

They have only seen DC twice in a year. My DH decided he wanted to at least try and let them have a relationship with them and we put steps in place to manage this - they come to us rather than go to them, we limit alcohol, etc.

This weekend they were coming to see DC for Christmas. Whilst it is usually a bit strained and awkward this weekend was hell with FIL making sly little digs - my haircut, what I was wearing, my insistence on sticking to DC’s schedule (“OK kids, fun police are here!”) repeating anything I said to DH in a high pitched imitation, mimicking my accent - I’m not from the same country - and MIL giving stony silent treatment if she didn’t get to do something she wanted. So, it starts to cause tension. I pull DH to one side and tell him they’re his parents and he needs to rein them in. He says he didn’t hear any of these comments and that is probably true as they were all done slightly out of earshot.

FIL then makes a comment to me while DH is nearby. He heard and pretty sharply told him he wasn’t funny and to stop behaving like a child. BIL, SIL and their partners arrive for dinner. BIL brings a bottle of wine. We share it between 6 adults with dinner and plan to leave it at that given the previous issues. I put DC to bed, come down and the next thing I know ILs are tucking into a stash of wine they’d brought and hidden in their room. I again pull DH to the side and tell him they are to stop drinking and I go up to bed. DH takes the booze away and this causes an almighty row with them shouting the odds about me being controlling, rude, making them feel uncomfortable when they stay...As I’m halfway down the stairs to tell them to shut up before DC wake up, I hear DH trying to placate them and asking them just to apologise to me, even if they don’t mean it. He was fumbling and placating, which I sort of don’t blame him for, as he’s been conditioned to do it all his life.

So, at this point I go into the room, and say that I am not having people be aggressive, rude and abusive to me in my own home and I won’t enable alcoholics. I tell DH, calmly, that he needs to put his wife and children first and that if he won’t, then I will leave. It takes about an hour of him pleading with me not to put him in the middle and trying to get his ILs to apologise before he finally tells them that if they can’t respect his wife, they leave. I heard them get up and go at about 5am, once they’d slept the booze off.

I’ve told DH I am going total no contact. He can see them, on neutral ground, and if they ask to see DC they can also see them on neutral ground, but I am staying totally out of it.

I need to support DH who is devastated and will get all sorts of grief from the extended family about this. Please tell me I’ve not been unreasonable here. Currently I feel like I’ve put him in the middle and he’s chosen me now but might come to resent me for it. It will get better, wont it?

Poor you and your poor DH.

You have drawn your boundaries and that's ok- given their behaviour you need to protect yourself and your children.

I'd be extremely annoyed at your DH with telling them to apologise even if they don't mean it and you were right to pull him up on it.

But, it sounds like he is very much in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I have horrible parents and it took me a long time to detach so I do feel for him and can understand the emotions.

I think you need to let things settle but have a calm chat with him. Keep your boundaries, but also keep the communication open with your DH. Would he be willing to get counselling? I think it will help him.

@OliviaBenson thank you. Have come downstairs to find 8 (!) empty wine bottles on the kitchen side.

I think counselling would help him, yes. He saw a therapist a few years ago for something else and it really helped.

I was furious at him yesterday but not so much today. He and his siblings have all enabled their parents in different ways over the years because it’s not worth the fallout.

8?! Blimey. Leave them there so your DH can see them.

Good luck. I hope your DH is responsive to you. And stay strong, it's hard on everyone but you need to protect yourself and your kids first.

Thing is, "going NC" shouldnt be some huge dramatic gesture. You just stop interacting with them. If they phone, you dont answer. If they come round, you dont answer the door, or you go out. If they send cards or gifts, you ignore them (some people send them back, but tbh that seems un-necessarily provocative to me).

If your level of contact has gone down to 1-2 times a year, i assure you that it is very easy to go to zero from there.

That’s true. They had been pushing for more contact since DC came along but we’ve managed to hold them off. I suppose I worry that I’ve taken a stand and DH will renege on it and try to brush it off as “another” incident to forget about. He’s said a few times that he wants nothing to do with them and lo and behold, they’re back in contact within a couple of weeks. He’s pretty angry this morning though, so maybe not.

If these people are too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your kids as well.

This visit to yours was really a disaster from the start and the signs re them were in neon beforehand as well. Your DH is still mired in fear obligation and guilt re his parents. Everyone including you here has tiptoed around the alcoholics (and your BIL did his bit here to inflame things by bringing along a bottle). You and DH need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism. Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing and your DH remains profoundly affected by his parents. His inertia too re his parents hurts him as well as you.

You've decided to have no further contact with his alcoholic and otherwise argumentative parents and your children should not see them either. Why should these young people be at all subjected to argumentative alcoholics who disrespect you as their parents?. If your H wants to see his parents at all (and he really also needs to deal with his fear, obligation and guilt through seeing a therapist and one at that who has no familial bias) then he can see them ON HIS OWN. He should also attend Al-anon meetings regarding his alcoholic parents. His own recovery from his parents alcoholism and associated chaos will only properly start when he and you people as his family have nothing more to do with them.

You have been supporting your H to the point of enabling. He sees you as the path of least resistance and has no problem applying the pressure for you to continue in that role. His want to placate his parents are at odds with the healthy emotional well-being of his wife and children

You aren’t putting your H in the middle of anything, his reluctance to stand up to his parents is. You’ve stated quite clearly where your boundaries are and that’s going to be difficult for someone who doesn’t have a grasp of his own, to understand.

Encourage him to seek professional support but you can’t allow for his dysfunctional familial relationships to negatively impact you or his children.

If they are drinking that much regularly then they are probably not going to live healthily to an old age.