Complicated

[PIPTribunalWin]

I need some advice.

For the last couple years my husband has been unable to work due to illness (cancer). Things are looking up. Yesterday/Friday I've lost (possibly been pickpocketed) my credit card wallet. Ordered new cards they should be here by Wednesday (well one should at least!). The nearest bank is 30 minutes drive away (there's a local NatWest but I don't bank with them), plus about 15 minutes brusque walking through a pedestrian precinct. I physically can't get to the bank till Friday anyway with work commitments.

Anyway this is just to set the scene. I've been honest with my husband that what we've got in cash is what we've got until I can get sorted. (Less than £20). Okay no harm or foul, it won't be "easy least" but we'll survive. (Tesco's Christmas veg offer came in handy!)

Except last night I asked for his jeans for the wash, he acted weirdly. I saw near his current novel, cash notes along with other stuff from his pocket. I'm not taking wads of cash but a comfortable amount. By the time I'd put the laundry in, the notes are nowhere to be seen. He's not mentioned them.

I must admit I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm not sure what to do. We were struggling before his illness but after all I've done, after how strong I thought we had become, it just feels like he's that same old person. I started the business on mat leave because otherwise the kids and I wouldn't have had much. He used to work away in the week, we didn't qualify for tax credits so all I had at that point was child benefit plus £150 or so a month that he gave me. It was quite revealing when I had to take over finances. It's just brought it all flooding back and I feel utterly used.

I'm not sure if I'm catastrophising because of the pressure of the last few years or if I am in the right. Just writing it down now has been a little cathartic. I really just don't know what to do.

So he's hiding money? You don't have any cash till Wednesday and he's hidden money?

Tackle him. Tell him you want that money. Don't think about his illness. He can't do this to you!

I'm sorry, OP. Sounds like you're struggling right now with a lot on your plate.
If my partner was hiding money I would assume it was for a good reason- like Christmas presents?
But it seems like you don't trust him which is the bigger issue.
Any idea where he got the cash though if he's not been working and your joint account is empty?

That's not complicated, that's downright shitty!

So even when he did work he only gave you and dc £150 a month to live on? Fucking hell! You'd get more on UC!

Hiding money for xmas presents when your family only has access to £20 is a load of bollocks. He could easily have 'lent' ok the money and gotten it back later. But then he'd have to admit he had a stash of money that appeared from nowhere.

He's hiding money from his family and leaving you struggling. Even after you had to take control of family finances. What was revealed when you took over finances? General selfishness, drinking or gambling?

Where's this money coming from is the bigger question. I'd suspect my cards went 'missing' much closer to home. Ask the bank to check withdrawals to see if they were at the local bank. Does he know your pin numbers?

I’d have questioned it immediately.

My friends DH does stuff like she’s counting out coppers for bread and milk and then finds he’s got £50 in his wallet but she NEVER leaves so he just continues.

It’s selfish and sneaky.

Have you got online banking? I’d be checking your account.

That is bad of your husband.

Apart from that, how's about you do online banking (it's honestly not hard, and I doubt you'd have to go into your branch to set it up.)

Then you could send him or someone else over the money you meant to use for the week, then get them to withdraw it and give it to you. x

I'm so sorry for the late reply, I've not wanted anyone to see me posting.

@Spritesobright - the accounts aren't empty, I just can't access them right now! I assume the money is from his birthday or just general spends, the point isn't that he's got it, it's that he's not bothered to offer it and actually hidden it.

@Thingsdogetbetter - selfishness. There's no other word to give it. When I took over the accounts it became clear how much he was keeping in his account, plus how much he was spending over his employers reimbursements and on golf and other entertainment while away.

@Swirlygirl - no real concerns about where it came from, just that he's hiding it when right now it's needed you know what I mean?

@Interestedwoman - there's no-one I can think of that we are close enough to either relationship wise or geographically that I would be comfortable asking for bank details/PayPal to do that. And to be honest that's not the bigger issue, it's that he's actively hiding it. We were supposed to be going out this evening to a carol concert (free) but I've had to explain I can't afford to risk the petrol to get there and back. Only about 30 miles round but if the cards are delayed it's too big a risk with work commitments. :/

I'm just, I don't know. Completely fed up. I feel like it's been utterly pointless these last few years because we're very obviously not a team.

How shit of him, he's been financially controlling your whole marriage and still is

Are you sure it's selfishness and not finacial abuse/ coercive control?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

His behaviour is poor. Really poor.

Could it be he's secretly squirrelled this away to buy you a Christmas gift?

#optimistic

I think you need to just say to him that you saw that he had cash and that you need some for food/petrol. His answer would be interesting

Just wanted to give a brief update.

I've said to him and he's heard me say to the kids things like, "no we won't be able to get a Christmas tree at the moment" (We were getting a live one today originally); "no I can't get more of XYZ snack today sorry"; "sorry we need to ration these drinks" (which he then went and wasted through not listening anyway).

I'm despairing at him right now, I feel like a complete mug. I'm sure I could more or less guarantee that he'd suddenly "remember this cash" if it was something that would directly and personally affect him.

Why aren't you raising this with him? People get away with what you allow them to. He isn't struggling, he isn't worrying about petrol, you are. And you're just allowing yourself to live like this. I'm genuinely baffled at your conduct.

Tell him you've seen it, ask him to hand it over so you can put it all in a pot and go and buy your tree.

Then ask him wtf he thinks he is playing at. I'd seriously consider the relationship.

Just ask him for the cash!

So is it fair to say his pattern of behaviour over an extended period of time has been to deliberately keep you in a position where you're struggling financially while he's fine?

That's not selfishness, that's abuse.

Do you know what your doing here?

Taking it out in the kids.

You know he has money
He knows he has money

Yet all your doing is being passive aggressive and aiming it toward the kids.

No wonder he is walking all over you when you won’t even challenge him on it.

He's obvioulsy a liar and unpleasant OP but why are you being performative about it in front of the DC in lieu of just approaching him directly to say you know he has cash as you saw it and ask to know what he is not willing to pay his own way or buy food for his DC. If he lies and gaslights you it's further just evidence he's abusive.

What do you gain from him as a partner OP? It seems he benefits a lot more than you. Having your wife scrabble around for food while you have cash in hand is deranged. He isn't your friend.