What to do about babies father?

[WhatNow1989]

My DD (1) went out with her dad today, we are separated, when they came back my poor baby was in floods of tears. Poor bub was so hungry and cold. Before they left I told my ex I had packed some snacks for DD but that if she became really hungry obviously just to give her something proper so when I asked him if he gave her the snacks just said he just gave her 1 melt stick, 1, and didn't bother to give her anything else or buy something. It's pisses me off because even when I give him clear instructions on how to keep DD happy he doesn't listen. Really trying my best to make sure they have quality time together but when I do he either resists because he can't be arsed to take her out of if he does this is what happens and it isn't fair on DD.

Anyone have any advice on how to tackle him on this? I've tried the you need to step up and just work it out and also the almost spoon feeding him. Etc

If he's neglecting a child who can't speak then I'd amend or cut down on contact tbh

To allow a year old baby to spend the day cold and hungry is beyond acceptable. Sounds like he needs common sense knocking into him parenting classes before he takes her out again.

Can you find out if you can have contact at a contact centre? Having other adults there to supervise visits might be helpful

Make sure you make a log of incidents like this WhatNow1989.

Urgh. He sounds like my ex. My DCs regularly returned at 9pm at night having had nothing since lunch. And lunch might have been a bagel. I used to text him every single time but I realised it wasn’t that he didn’t know what to do or when, it’s that he just didn’t care enough to do it. Thankfully he stopped bothering with them altogether.

Does he ask to have your DD? Sounds like if you didn’t instigate the contact he wouldn’t either, which tells you all you need to know. If so I just wouldn’t offer contact any more. Let it be as little as he asks for. And when he does ask tell him it has to be for a couple of hours at your house supervised by you as he can’t feed her when he has her.

Stop for ing him to have her. He doesnt want to. It benefits nobody, certainly not her, to be neglected.

How long were they out for? What time did baby return?

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory, he complains that he wants quality time with her but when the contact times are arranged he just doesn't bother.

@june2007, they were gone for 3 1/2 hours but DD hadnt ate in a good 4 hours and by the looks of her juice she didn't drink either.

Ah i bet he is he one of those who puts facebook statuses up about wanting to see his child to get sympathy from his misogynistic mates and other women to see him as trying to be a good dad but evil ex wont let him?

Have a regular time for contact in place. If he doesnt show up within 30 mins, go out and enjoy your dad.

@CalleighDoodle, he isnt, he didn't even do a post when DD was born just shared mine. Im actually pretty sure none of his friends know we aren't together anymore and as he hardly ever sees them they'd be none the wiser. He is very much about appearance and isn't happy that I left him to be a single dad, even after cheating on me.

And you're right about contact, yesterday he turned up an hour and a half late.

Keeping a child warm and fed - pretty much the most basic of parenting tasks. Wild animals manage that... reduce contact.

He is using his child as punishment to further get back at you for leaving him and he is not at all bothered about his DD either. Such men hate women, all of them. If he is all that bothered about seeing his DD going forward then he can see her via formally arranged contact orders at a contact centre. Informal arrangements absolutely do not work with such selfish and non caring characters like you describe.

And you're right about contact, yesterday he turned up an hour and a half late.

Ah yes! I Had this too. I came to MN for advice at the time and was advised to wait 15 minutes after the pick up time and if he hasn’t turned up by then turn off your phone and go out with the baby. It didn’t make him a better dad but it did mean I wasn’t stuck in the house with two bored children waiting for someone who may or may not turn up and it let him know I didn’t exist for his convenience.

Well he tries to tell me it is because he is so focused on getting me back as he wants us to be a family. I read this as I want you back so that you can look after DD, I won't have to and can still look like father of the year.

I did look at local contact centres the other day. I should get that ball rolling I think.

OK you need to tell him once and for all that there is absolutely no chance of you getting back with him. The relationship is done. You have made your decision. He needs to accept that. He may or may not drop your DD like a hot potato once he realises this. If he does- accept it- do not force him to see her. No child deserves to be forced on a parent who doesn’t want them.

I did look at local contact centres the other day. I should get that ball rolling I think.

No. If he wants contact- he can get the ball rolling. You’re already seeing your daughter- you don’t need to arrange contact. He’s the one that needs to show initiative if he actually wants to see her. You do nothing. Don’t contact him and offer contact, let him get in touch with you, if he does, tell him contact will now have to be supervised in a contact centre and leave it up to him to pursue that.

@Iworkat, oh I've told him multiple times it's over, yet still. But you're right, I kept pushing for a contact agreement and for him to take her out etc thinking that's what I needed to do but if he wants to see her he should be arranging it.

I did the same for far too long OP. I told myself that I was doing the right thing by my children to make sure their dad saw them but it actually caused them so much pain to be constantly let down and neglected by him. As soon as I stopped pushing for contact, he stopped bothering. They haven’t seen him in two years and whilst they were very hurt to begin with they are much more settled now. They both say they are happier not seeing him due to how he was when they did. It’s sad but that’s who he is. Me forcing contact was never going to make him a better dad.

And if your ex genuinely does want to be a dad he’ll Make it happen. No-one had to force you to be in your DDs life, you’re there because you want to be.

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory, exactly what I thought, I also think I feel some guilt for leaving him and effectively taking DD away from him but the truth is he wasn't even a great dad to our DD. He has moments where he steps up but they're so few and far between and usually after I've asked him.

He is the type of father that allowed DD to slip down the side of the sofa at 5 weeks old, she didn't fall off the sofa but had to explain numerous times that without head control she could have seriously injured her neck. But that's what he was/is like.

He's an abysmal dad. Being generous.

@ohwheniknow yeah and clearly he knows what he is doing, yet he likes to think he is great. Like a pp said it's basic parenting keeping them warm and fed. It isn't hard. He is either too lazy or just lacks any empathy.