Losing my best friend

[Dumped]

My closest friend, who I've known for 18 years, has been putting a distance between us. This has been going on for the last year or so, but I've only copped on to it recently.

We both have young kids and when she made excuses not to meet up anymore, I genuinely believed her when she said she was too busy.

I missed seeing her, but I thought we could at least stay in touch by phone. Over time, I realised I was doing all the ringing. She never rang me anymore.

It got to the stage where I'd ring and just get her answer machine. I last rang a few weeks ago, left a message but she hasn't rang me back.

She was my oldest friend & I confided in her about everything. There was no falling out, no argument, nothing.

The only thing I can think of is maybe I confided in her too much. I've had a tough couple of years and maybe I became too much of a down-in-the-mouth.

I've love to ask her, but I don't think its reasonable to expect someone to list the reasons why they don't like you anymore!! Anyway, I know she'd just deny it, then continue blanking me, so there's no point.

I don't know what to do, I feel so hurt - I really miss our friendship.

I was thinking of sending her a card, saying I miss her & I hope I haven't done anything to upset her, but I don't want to appear desperate! If she doesn't want to know, should I just accept it and move on ?

What would you do ????

i would do nothing. if she won't reply, you can't make her....it hurts like hell when people do this. i had a friend who would pick me up and drop me when she was inbetween realtionships, and it took me ages to realise. move on, and find new friends and busy your self withsomethimg absorbing. maybe she just needs to miss you a bit.

People go through stages in life, maybe she is really busy and so into her home life she hasn't got anytime for any one else. My Sister and I whilst never having a very close relationship live a 5 minute walk away from eaach other and yet never see each other, she only rings when she wants something and it hurts, Maybe you should try and make more friends, and maybe live by my DH's rule (which I try to do, but can't always live by) 'What goes on in your house stays in your house'. Good luck, and don't what ever you do send her a card, leave it be, she has to make the first move.

this has happened to my pal in teh States - she's been there 7 years now and has kept in touch with various friends including one called Clare who we both went to school with. Gradually she realised that she was the one doing the calling although Clare would email her periodically and send xmas/bday gifts and cards. Then after visiting last year she hasnt heard from her/spoken to her at all despite my pal calling several times. One time she telephoned and clare's dh said he'd go fetch her and came back abnd said she was out walking the dog. She never called back. my friend is upset but isnt going to call anymore as there is no point.

FWIW i would send her a card just saying you hope she's well and to call you/email you when she has time - it doesnt matter how long. Sometimes these things can go on and then it just becomes embarrassing

18 years!!! Don't give up on it, but I would give it a rest for awhile, then maybe send a card. But, and don't take this wrong...maybe use this as an opportunity to do some thinking about what you expect from a friendship, and what you bring to it...relationships need to be nurtured...good luck

I would write a letter to her (have been there myself). Explain everything. If she is a close friend who you can confide in, the she already knows you well and you won't appear desperate.
Maybe she is genuinely busy? Or maybe there is something going on in her life that has put some distance between the two of you. If the freindship is worth saving, then don't worry about being embarrassed etc. If she doesnt reply to the letter, then maybe meet her face to face. Do it once if you dont want to appear desperate, but you DO need to know how she feels so you can move on..

This happened recently with my best mate. We had been friends for 14 years, and suddenly things felt strained. We weren't getting on in person anymore, and I didnt know why, but she obviously felt it too. We wrote to each other putting our points across, and sometimes we hurt each other doing so. I also had bad PND and it was her that helped me to realise that.
What happened with us was that she thought we were busy and I thought she was ignoring me! There were also issues from the past that needed sorting, but thanks to the letters and a drunken night, they are now sorted. We arent back exactly to where we were, but we still have a very good, close relationship. We also made a deal to call each other every week, so it didnt happen again.
I am glad we sorted things out as she is so important to me that I would have been completely lost without her.
hth

I lost my oldest friend for reasons unknown too. This was after more than 30 years. I phoned her and she said I wasn't going to change and she didn't want to know me any more. It was incredibly painful for a long time. You never think your friends will be as mad to you as you have seen them be to other people. It is a terrible betrayal. Keep talking to people about it - If everyone in RL is sick of hearing about it, MN is here!

you could try sending her an email/text/card that says:
"Is this your way of "breaking up" with me ?

Miss you,
Dumped"

Thanks for all your messages guys. It really helps to hear others have been through it too.

It has made me examine what I gave to our friendship. Perhaps I took too much without giving enough back. I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently.

As I said, I've had a rough couple of years (I had a miscarriage 2 years ago followed by a sudden death in the family, my younger cousin got breast cancer, and there was a bad row and subsequent split in the family (probably due to all the stress we were going through).

I was diagnosed with depression in January. I'm on medication now, which has lifted a lot of the clouds & negativity from my life. I never told my friend this.

I still don't know what to do but I will have a long think about what you all said.

Its not often you get a good friend. And she is a very kind & caring person. I also find it harder to make friends the older I get.

Anyway, thanks for listening. MN is a gift

Is it possible that your friend is also suffering the effects of PND? Do you know whether it's just you she seems to be avoiding, or is it everyone?

Perhaps a card with a message inside saying that you have done a lot of thinking and realise that you may have taken her for granted. Perhaps you were so busy telling her all your worries and concerns and problems that you didn't notice when she actually needed your support. To this end you feel you have let her down as a friend. You realise that you cannot turn back the clock, but you would like to take her out as a thank you for the 18 years of friendship and a sorry for not being there for her when she perhaps needed it.

Suggest a meal somewhere nice at a date and time to be arranged. But also state that if she doesn't reply then you'll take it as a no and would still like to thank her for all the support shown. You'll still treasure her in your thoughts and would always be there for her if she needed it.

Then if she does go to the meal, make sure you ask about her and her life instead of going on too much about yours.

I like that, Rhubarb. A brilliant post, as always!

Have you ever been through such bad experiences before during your friendship? It's sad, but sometimes when things get tough, you find out who your friends really are. However, this may not be the case. The advice below from Rhubarb and others is very good, and definitely worth following after 18 years of friendship. I have found all long-term friendships seem to go through a bit of a break at some time, but can come back just as strongly. Maybe this is yours. If not, I hope there are other people out there for you. As you say it's not so easy making friends when you are older, because the other people don't have communal memories with you, but it's not impossible, and they aren't any less worth having. Good luck .

That's a very sad post - 18 years is a long time and I know I would just have to persue the friendship especially if my long time friend had stuck with me during the bad times. Maybe there are things going on in her life right now and if you lost contact with her and she needed a friend right now that would be awful - that's what I would be inclined to think. Also, if you just tried to move on and made no further contact then that's a difficult situation to live with - I couldn't do it. You are obviously feeling very hurt now and just want to make things right especially if you have no idea how things have got like this.

Thanks so much to everyone for taking the time to reply.

But I have decided not to contact her unless she contacts me.

Its sad to lose a good friend, but I don't see the point in trying to maintain contact with her if she doesn't feel the same.

I don't think she ever suffered from PND, but both her children were diagnosed with a mild learning disorder a few years ago. She took it really badly. She is a worrier by nature, and she became very anxious about it. I was definately there for her at the time, we talked at length about it and I helped her gather as much information about the condition as possible.

If I can look back and see when she changed, it was from this time onwards. She withdrew a lot after that (it was around this time she stopped going out for our twice a year meal out). She used to say she was the only one who could get her boys to sleep (her DH was apparantly unable) and she worried about not being there if they woke up (hence, she could never go out at night anymore).

I keep hearing this talk lately (from Life Coaches etc) about removing friends that have negative influences on your life. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but perhaps thats the way she sees me! If so, the last thing I would want to do is keep bugging her!

I'll learn my lessons, accept it and move on.

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No, I don't have any other friends, and I suppose thats why I'm so upset.

I should have - other people have tried to get close to me but I find it very hard - I can't explain it. I have plenty of acquantices (neighbours, parents of my children's friends etc), but they could never be what I would consider a proper friend, someone to talk to ....

Someone asked earlier if my friend was being distant with other people as well. I don't think so. She lives in a small town and never got to know her neighbours. But when her boys started school she built up a network of friends and I was delighted for her.

I just wish people could be more honest. Cutting contact like she did is so cruel - especially after so many years. I think you hit the nail on the head Dior. You are left wondering. Why ? What have you done ? Questioning everything. Its a horrible way to treat a "friend" and if I'm honest, I'm more than a little disapointed in her. I wouldn't treat anyone like that.

Message withdrawn

Thanks guys.

Dior, your short & sweet card sounds good. Its casual without making me out to be a bunny boiler. I think I'll do that.

NurseyJo, you cheered me up I'd love to be your friend too but the Irish Sea stands in our way!!

The very same thing happened to me about 18 months ago.
at first i was like you, it upset me and i was sad.
then i got to thinking what have i done.
then i became upset again, but then i got pissed off and thought that actually i havent done any thing wrong.

i then just got on with life and hardly think of this freind any more.
cant be bothered, got other pals, just as close,

know what you mean though, its not nice, my sympathies luvey x

Thanks Dissle. You're so right. If they can just cut you out of their life for no reason whatsoever, I'd hate to think what would happend if you actually did something to them!!

Hi, Juast thought it might be worth sharing something with you. Ive got a son who is almost two and when he was six months he was dx with a chromosome disorder I found that my only coping mechanism was to cut off from everyone especially a friend of 22 years. She has a son who is 4 months younger than mine, her son is NT and it was just too unbearable to spend time with her and her son as it just hurt so much as my son is sevraly delayed. I kow you say your friends child was dx with a mild disorder but maybe she had to cut off to protect herself???!...

I felt absolutley dreadful for doing this but I had to for my own sanity.

We never really spoke until a very drunken night one night when we both let it all out and cried and cried together. We have lost our closeness and I miss it terribly but I had to do what I had to do at the time. She has since said some very insenstive and hurtful things as she is now pregnant and has some very strong feelings about disability and abortion so I had to leave our frienship behind, but it may not be too late for yours.

How about writing your friend a note at least you will have tried.

this is just my experience but wanted to share incase it made any sense to your situation

Lourobert, your post rang A LOT of bells for me.

It took a few years for my friend to get a correct diagnosis for her boys (a lot of doctors told her there was nothing wrong). But her instinct told her otherwise, and it was due to her persistance that they were finally diagnosed. During this time she leaned on me heavily for support, which I gladly gave.

Her boys are doing great now. They attend main stream school and see an Occupational Therapist every few months for special exercises. No-one is even aware they have this condition. I was one of the few people she confided in at the time (besides family).

But the cracks started to appear after they were diagnosed. Looking back, I can see it was at this time she started pulling away from me.

If this is her reason for being distant, then its a relief to at least have some kind of answer. Can I honestly say I understand ? Yes & no.

In one sense, I can see where you are coming from. You were going through a huge trauma and it hurt too much to see her & her little boy. I understand why that would be very hard.

If this is her reason, I understand it, but I also wish she didn't feel that way. You need friends the most when the going gets tough .... at least I do.

And because I'm the only person (besides her family) who is aware of the boys condition - maybe thats why she is leaving me behind.

Your friend making comments about disability & abortion is unforgivable - I can't blame you for letting go of a friendship over that.

I hope your little boy is making good progress Lourobert. Thanks for taking the time to reply - it has given me a lot to think about. Take care xxx.

your right you do need friends when the going gets tough.... Im initial knee jerk reaction to protect myself was to pull away from everyone but I did try so hard to work at patchnig things up with my 'friend' before she said some awful things. She entitled to her opion but I hoped she'd have more sensitivity than talk to me about it...still donmt understand that?!?!

Anyway, have you decided what to do, talk to her or write to her....if the relationhsip isnt going to be anymore for whatever reaosn I tink you need closure and she should really be decent enough to give it ti you.