Experiences of mediation with a compulsive liar

[UnderwearInfernoOfLies]

I’m going to push for mediation for a split after Xmas with ‘D’P. I have no trust left and can’t continue like this.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never get closure and know exactly what went on - but how do you get through mediation?

Surely the end game is to get a mutual agreement around childcare but if I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth how will I know he will do as promised? How will I know I’m not putting my kids in danger eg with someone who might be over the limit while driving them?

How have other people dealt with a liar during mediation? Any tips?

Hello.

I’m a mediator, so a bit different to what you’re looking for.

A key principle of mediation is that it’s self-determining; you both come up with the solution because you’re the ones who have to live with it. If you feel he can’t be trusted to do that, I think you may need to look at an alternative to mediation.

I tried mediation to try and sort out contact for the dc and finances. Ex saw it as an opportunity to accuse me of things and refused to cooperate. We had 8 sessions - even the mediator seems frustrated by his lack of engagement

Why do you have to do mediation?

My ex went without me so he could avoid them knowing what he is like. That's how much of a compulsive liar my ex was. Asshole. He lies about everything to me, his family, his friends, and no doubt in future, our daughter.

Don't expect closure. I was promised the "chat" for nearly a year, never got it.

Give it a go. If he can't stick to the arrangement, take him to court.

Why mediation? My solicitor advised it. We’re not married and no property so no need for getting legally involved unless we have to.

I do like to have things organised and feel like if we don’t have a third party it will get too emotional and I also don’t want to get in to the “I thought we were doing something different” or “I don’t remember discussing that” which I get at the moment.

I also want to make sure (as much as I can) he isn’t Disney dad. He’ll need to make sure they do their homework, care about dr appts etc) and if not - I will need a way for recourse.

I’m just nervous he has to fuck up to the detriment of the kids before I can make demands as his charismatic and lying persona is convincing.

I don't think you should go.

If he’s a compulsive liar, he can’t actually help it IYSWIM. He will always find “wiggle” room. I am not sure that mediation will change that. But perhaps it might help you seeing everything in black and white (written?) so he can’t at least gaslight you ...

I would not bother with mediation in these circumstances. I would look instead to him having any contact with his children through a contact centre.

I don't think you can force him to actually parent them when/if he has them and you certainly can't make him "care about drs appts"
I assumed you meant agreeing contact times, and even that isn't enforceable if he doesn't want to show no matter what he's signed.

I'm not sure one can mediate with someone very intrustworthy - mediation requires some certainty the other party will go through with what's agreed.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I guess I want to show the kids I’ve done everything I can for them maintain contact fairly with their dad. If he messes up I will just have to pick up the pieces, I think I do a lot of that unconsciously now.

@AttilaTheMeerkat can you force contact centre? I would think if we went to court he would get a percentage of residency.

I thought mediation was part of divorce. As you're not married, no need and I wouldn't do it.

Regarding what you say about making sure he is doing this and doing that with the kids: I speak from bitter experience that you should not embark down that path. Do not expend your precious energy on trying to make him do things - focus it all back on you and your kids, and make your home and emotionally happy and safe stronghold for them. You can't do that when you're constantly outwardly focussed.

You can't make him do anything, and no legal/formal process will ever give you recourse over things like homework not being done.

Make it clear to your kids that you can't MAKE him do things no matter what you say or do, and as much as you would like to be able to - honestly they will feel better knowing that rather than having the constant disappointment of things not happening when you told them you will sort it.

For me, It's about breaking the power cycle.

Empower them to speak up for themselves and take responsibility eg make sure they know they need to do their homework and bring their clothes home etc - yes i would rather I hadn't had to teach my 4 yr old to do such things (she's nearly 8 now) but needs must and it's worked out much better in the long run.

Mediation costs money and is a platform for him to keep you engaged and keep the separation process going; whatever you agree will have no legal validity so it is entirely pointless in your case. There is sadly no way on this earth that you can force him not to be a Disney dad if that is what he wants to do.

Isleepinahedgefund writes wise words and I agree entirely with what she says.

You only need mediation if he threatens to take you to court for more residential contact than you think is in DC’s best interests. Otherwise you can agree it informally and see how it goes.

Thanks @DecemberDays and @Isleepinahedgefund you’ve helped me understand much more about mediation and realistically, how things will work.

At the moment he’s ignoring that we can’t carry on as we are. I will use this time to understand what I want for me and the kids.