Friend won't give up toxic guy

[Pearlxox]

I'm sure many of us have chased after an unsuitable person at some point. She's known him since April and she's met him about 7 times all in all, that shows just how much effort he makes to see her.
This guy is a complete player but to be fair he's been honest, he's even told her he's got about 3/4 different girls on the go.
He seems to have some sort of commitment issues and 'doesn't know what he wants' which is fair enough.
She's told me about 100 times she's 'done with him' but never is.
The other day she was in tears over him because some girl had been over to his house she had found out. She was ranting and raving about what a prick he is and how she hates him and would never see him again.
I spent an hour trying to support her and the next day she texted me laughing about how she had overreacted and how they had cleared the air.
I have told her countless times to remove this man from her life and to block him, that he will continue to mess her about and use her when he fancies for as long as she allows it.
Then, she phoned me up for a 30 minute chat about their 'latest conversation', how she's gonna 'play it cool' with him.
She's even putting stuff on social media with other men to make him jealous and at almost 30 it's just pathetic.
I'm honestly sick of talking about it.
I'm sick of her coming crying about what an asshole he is, me having to analyse 6 million screenshots of their conversations, giving her advice which is ignored then the next day it's all fine.
Hope I don't come across harsh. I chased unsuitable men like this when i was early 20s, I look back and cringe.
What else would you say to her ?

I would refuse to talk about him from now on, tbh. Tell her why, and then shut down any further convos about it.

I know it's kind of human nature to want what you cannot have, and that you want what you cannot have.
She claims friends of hers were FWBs with guys for years and then the men 'suddenly' realised they wanted a relationship.
That has never happened in my experience and seems rare. Why do we chase people who are not going to commit to us ?

You're right, i'm going to have to be firm and shut down conversations.
She is not obliged to take my advice but she just throws it back in my face.

She's going to have to learn the hard way .

This happened to me when I was 23/24. A guy who had had 'commitment issues' since his ex left him. He was very happy to sleep with me and ask for nudes and sext but said we were 'just friends' and that he 'didn't have any feelings.'

We had quite a fiery relationship and I managed to convince myself that there really was something between us.
He had even told me once "You know, I do really like you deep down."

I chased him for a long time and was far too nice to him, despite people telling me to get rid of him. When I look back I wish I had just moved on from the beginning, but I was convinced that he just 'needed to work through his issues' and that something would happen eventually.

But yeah, I have nothing more to say to her. I'm kinda sensitive myself so I always try to say stuff in a way that I would like it said to me but I think i'm just going to have to be brutal about it, and stop wasting hours giving her advice and talking about it.

She sounds toxic herself. And someone with very little self respect. How old is she? I cant do with a friend who loves attention and drama this much.
Tell her you wont be entertaining this anymore and shut down any talk of this. So he has told her that shes 1 of many, at least he is honest. What does that make her? So pathetic and desperate running after him.

She's 29, and yes I fully agree. I get that you cannot help who you like, she is clearly very into him but honestly I'm sick of being the shoulder to cry on then apparently theyre back on speaking terms 1 day after saying he was a c* and all sorts, several times.

Tell her to stop boring you

The thing is she keeps saying that we will 'stop talking about dating' but this guy always comes back into conversation.

How much time are you giving her over all this? Sounds like it's a lot. Maybe you need to slow down your respond times and make a bit of space. It's not fair if her problems are impinging on your life so much.

She's going to have to learn the hard way

This.

I can imagine this is pretty tiring! Different set up but one of my friends somehow draws a conversation down to previous sexual experiences. I am happy and comfortable but when it is repetition and totally out of context I struggle not to roll my eyes. I change the subject pretty much straight away.

Your friend is feeding on the drama of this guy and I don't think he is the bad guy here either since he has been very clear with her. I would respond less or appear completely disinterested, change the subject time and again. If she can't handle this fwb type thing then she should quit.

The only thing you can do for your own sanity is distance yourself from her.

She will likely move on to a new friend who doesn't know the story yet and isn't aware of the constant break up/makeup roundabout.

Tell her that she is special to you as a friend but you cannot condone her staying in a relationship with someone who is taking advantage of her. You will not discuss him with her any further and in future just change the subject if she brings him up. You will, however, be there for her when she sees him for what he is and finishes with him.

Ultimately it is her life and her relationship. You can't make her finish with him. You can however make sure that she knows how you feel and support her when she is ready to call it a day with him.

Been having this with a friend of mine, also 29, am actually wondering if it's the same person... It's uncanny.

With her, it's over for good by the look of it but only because she went so buts on his ass that he actually blocked her completely recently.

My friend is lovely but her mental health has taken a very serious toll. It's been hard supporting her and I broke down myself a few weeks ago, because I was under too much stress with being there for her as well as home stuff.

Boundaries are really important. If she won't listen to you and won't take any advice then walk away. If she won't respect that you have requested not to talk about the toxic person, walk away. Just say you can't listen anymore because it hurts you that she won't help herself and that the level of drama she's engaging you in is causing you some anxiety.

Sometimes people have to experience the worst before they can pick themselves up and accept help or support. Your friend sounds like she hasn't reached the very bottom yet. Unless it really is the same person and you're omitting details I also don't want to post publicly.

Hope things improve

If she is not taking your advice, you will have to stand back and let her blaze her own trail of destruction.

Does she come from an abusive background? Were her parents emotionally or physically unavailable?
Did they have addictions?

She desperately wants what she can’t have and she is trying to fill an unmet need , probably from childhood.

Tell her to go on YouTube and watch some Matthew Hussey, Susan Winters, Alex Cormont, Michael Groves talk about relationships.

For your own sanity you need to detach yourself from her drama.
She is choosing her own path and you have given her good advice.

Good luck.

Thanks for the replies ! I fully agree with them, and I know little about her background only that her Dad isn't around, but I don't know any details.
She does desperately want what she cannot have. It's almost embarrassing to watch someone jump through hoops to try and 'get' someone who has made it very clear they are not looking for a relationship.
Not to be said in a harsh manner as that was myself 5 years ago.
I will direct her to those videos and also try to distance myself as per the advice given.
Thanks a lot !

This was my friend for 8 years with a guy. Honestly the most toxic, terrible relationship ever. At first I supported my friend but as the years went on it became obvious they're both selfish people who cause arguments because they want it all their own way.
They would break up all the time and our whole group of friends would roll their eyes.
He dumped her over the years because he's extremely childish and she will never back down or apologise.
He dumped because he didn't like his bday present, he dumped her just before moving in to their house so she had to pay the mortgage by herself, he chucked out all her clothes in one argument etc and they don't talk for week, everything is dramatic.
I finally told her to never take him back, talked at length when she was heartbroken.

So he came back to her and proposed. They are now married
It's still the same BUT the difference is she doesn't air her dirty laundry and they do it behind closed doors.
Nothing will ever change but at least I'm no longer a sounding board.
It's infuriating!

Another friend is in a toxic relationship and become so desperate. But when you support and help and they do nothing about their situation let them deal with it the hard way x

I agree. I think you're enabling her and being blunt is kindest thing to do. But it sounds like she will learn the hard way and it will probably end on his terms, not hers

She COULD help who she likes. It’s sad she’s in this situation, but entirely due to her choices.

I’d express concern about her choices and say I didn’t want to discuss it any more.

We all know what's going to happen in this scenario. We've all been there. Its like a car crash waiting to happen. Unfortunately, she won't listen so I would give her the advice and then refuse to entertain it anymore. Tell her what you think once, and then if she keeps on just say "Ive told you what I think, I dont really have any other input". She'll have to learn the hard way as others have said, but that doesnt mean you have to listen to it endlessly.