need to learn to be assertive but how?

[scrillish]

I am feeling very wrong about myself and how I dealt with a situation last night and need some help with this.

At a friends house all drinking and a man kept touching me on the leg and tickling me. I didn't like it at all and felt very uncomfortable but I didn't do anything. I didn't say no or even move away. I don't understand why not!? I didn't want to be rude I think. I just ignored it and pretended it wasn't happening.

What is wrong with me? why did I allow this to happen? I was drunk and am pretty vulnerable right now. I recently split up with long term boyfriend and am upset with the social fallout. My ex is a charmer and I am awkward and wierd. I think I just want people to like me, but at what cost?!

I seem to be a bit of a target for bullies and bad men. I need to stop being so weak but how do I make that change happen?

I don't ever feel like I fit in. Don't seem to understand the protocol of human interactions even on the internet, in fact I find that even more confusing.

I don't like myself for last night. His wife was there too. I didn't want to make a scene. It was so fucked up and I just passively let it happen.

How do I learn how to deal with these situations differently?

Give yourself a break. You are obviously suffering from low self esteem probably due to lots of reasons. You need to work on your boundaries.
You are not awkward and weird. That’s your low self esteem talking.
Please watch mark groves videos on Instagram or YouTube: he has lots of amazing videos on boundaries, heartbreaks, building your self up and understanding where all your issues are coming from. This man has honestly changed my life in a matter of months.
Put the incident behind you, you do have boundaries you just need to assert them. Take this as a lesson x

Freezing is a very natural response regardless of how assertive you are.

You need to understand what being rude or impolite actually is. Saying stop what you're doing isnt rude. Does it look rude to you? Deborah Frances White suggests putting your hands up and saying NOT COOL as it isnt rude, puts the unacceptability on the other person, and clearly states your boundaries.

I think you can start small. Dont move out of the way for someone on the pavement. Dont rush away from the cash point so as not to hold other people up. You are entitled to exist and to take up space. Dont stop for the chugger.

I found reading nice girls dont get the corner office very helpful.

Please dont beat yourself up about this. Youre sadly neither the first nor the last to experience this.

Thankyou for your kind response. I woke up feeling so gross and disappointed in myself. Will definitely check out the videos, they sound like they would be really helpful. x

Freezing is an instinctive protective response beyond your control. Don't beat yourself up for it. You were under threat so your brain activated a threat response. Assertiveness doesn't come into it.

Separately, if you want to explore assertiveness for non-threatening circumstances these resources may help:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

I like the 'not cool' suggestion. Its good to know this stuff so you have something in your head already as I don't think quick enough when in the moment

For me, the main thing is to listen yourself really closely and sensitively. Listen listen, listen. Slowly, carefully, take what you have to say seriously, you can be very gentle about it if need be. I think it’s all about listening and supporting yourself whilst doing it, if that makes sense.

Thanks. I feel a bit better now and will check out all your suggestions I think they will help me. Glad I posted. Thankyou x

Yes. The phrase I always hear is flight and flight but freeze is most common from my point of view. I'm almost suspicious as to why this gets left out. It means people think you let it happen so you must want it which is bollocks.