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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner won’t sleep

4 replies

kembook · 14/12/2019 00:14

I’ve thought about posting for years on here but haven’t done so, so here goes. Does anyone anywhere have this problem? My DH has incredibly erratic sleep patterns and it affects all of us. He doesn’t come to bed several nights per week. He’s up, at the 24 hour gym, working, browsing the internet, listening to music, falling asleep periodically over the computer. He sleeps erratically during the day and has a job (music) which means he only really works a few eves per week (but late ones). He falls asleep during films, during conversation & a few years ago passed out whilst cycling and ended up in hospital. He refuses to accept that this behaviour is bad for him or us (we have two children) and he’s been like it for decades (he’s now middle aged). I’ve grown to accept this as normal behaviour. His point is that, just because he’s unusual, his behaviour isn’t wrong - it’s just out of synch with society. He gets resentful as I and the kids have a normal pattern (I work full time and the kids are at school) and says that that he doesn’t come home as the house is unwelcoming (we are asleep). I can keep the family functioning, but often feel like a single parent. I worry about what we are modelling to the kids. I have a full life full of friends & think I’ve coped by normalising things but don’t know whether that’s made me part of the problem. My DH, I think, has been like this since a teenager & think his dad might have been similar too. Our relationship isn’t great and have come to think I’ve taken on some sort of parent role. He gets annoyed that I don’t want sex with him, but I’m knackered and just about coping but feel quite alone. I don’t want us to split up and he’s a good parent most of the time. Anyone anywhere coping with this or is it really just me?!!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 14/12/2019 00:28

He, effectively, has a night shift job and you have day shift job. Circadian rhythms are different.
Does he do his fair share around the house?
If he does not help, then get him to do more so you are not too tired.
In these cases we had to schedule sex as I did not like sex after night shift, so had to wait to days off.

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/12/2019 09:23

Being out of synch with sleep patterns is one thing, but falling asleep whilst cycling? That's bordering on an illness.

Did the doctors not say anything at that point? My DD1 has always had very erratic sleep patterns but once she started a full time job it became a BIG problem. She'd be awake until three am but she had to get up at six to go to work, so by mid afternoon she would fall asleep at her desk.

She was recently diagnosed ADD (and ASD). She's now medicated and has a sleep routine to help her better fit in with life. It's worked wonders for her. Maybe your DH could benefit from seeing a doctor?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 14/12/2019 11:20

His point is that, just because he’s unusual, his behaviour isn’t wrong - it’s just out of synch with society

Yeah, no, he's wrong about that - his behaviour negatively impacts himself and those around him. It has put his life in danger, allowed him to opt out of his parental responsibilities and strained his relationship with his partner to breaking point. This isnt a question of "just being different", it is clearly a strategy that does not work unless the people around him (ie you) pick up the slack.

How would his sleep patterns work out if you refused to step in and make up the gap when he fails?

I don't know how or why you put up with it, but you don't have to.

Weenurse · 15/12/2019 05:30

Does he use any drugs that keep him going?

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