Family relationships. Sibling fights

[crossroads1]

Hi all a different kind of thread here relating to family. I am 29 and have a sister who is 27. We used to get on well-ish but as we get older I feel our relationship is getting worse. None of us are married and we live together n the same house with our mum who is a widow. Sometimes we are fine but when we argue it is like hell. I have other siblings who I get on well with but I feel my sister can be so toxic and negative at times to the point I actually feel I despise her. A recent example is the election - I voted labour and her conservative, this was another argument, we are worlds apart. I was away for a while but came back as our father was very ill and passed away recently.

I thought this might change things and she and I might stop having explosive arguments but it never seems to change. Does any one have difficult siblings and what is the resolution? I don’t want to ignore her for the rest of my life but I also don’t have the time patience or energy for her petty BS anymore. Any idea how to broach this? Or any other dysnfunctional sibling relationship?

It's interesting that your post puts all the blame on your sister, but it takes two to have "explosive arguments". How do you think she would describe your relationship from her perspective?

Living with family as adults can be difficult because we can find ourselves repeating patterns of behaviour that were set in childhood, it can be hard to step away and create new adult patterns of behaviour.

Think about what triggers these fights. Is it particular topics of conversation? Do they tend to happen late at night or when one or both of you has had a bit to drink? What are the warning signs?

Have you had a conversation with your sister about these fights and tried to find out what's happening from her perspective? It can be helpful for you both to get the chance to express this although it may not be easy listening and sometimes you may have to accept that your siblings views certain behaviour through an unflattering lens of her perceptions of who you are as a person.

I love my sister dearly but I really don't think I could live with her. As pp says, it is really hard to shake off those seething resentments and injustices from childhood - on both sides - even when in your head you know it was just normal family life and away from your sibs you probably barely think about them! Living back in the family home with dm is likely to make that effect all the more powerful.

Me and my dsis did have a huge blowup when we were both in our thirties and we did actually get a bit clearer about a resentment that she was carrying - she had got 'stuck' in a role and we managed to understand it was making her angry about something that wasn't the case any more. But we were lucky that we were both able to talk about it and 'cracked' that problem. It wasn't easy.

It may be that you would be better moving out if you can?